Cat Sand Part 2.   Self Esteem.
By Cowgirl


I sat on the counsellor's couch with her hands in my lap, then decided that It
made me look too mousy and moved them to my sides, then wondered if that
looked even more like I was a little girl in  grade school.  Why was I over
reacting so? MY counsellor wasn't judging me for gosh's sakes! I had to laugh
at  how far I'd come since I'd started to see her.
"Well, Sherry , let's review. Do you remember what is was that brought you
here in the first place?" my counsellor asked warmly with a smile. 
" Sure. Dr. Cody. I moved out from my room-mates place...and... " I tried
quietly. 
" Yes go on. What prompted you to leave? How did being you feel about
yourself while you two lived together?" she coaxed, as I took a breath to
answer.
"uh....not very good. As I've told you, I realized after I moved out that I
was doing more than half the chores and taking care of her pets too! She
didn't like the cat sand I got for her cats and wouldn't even notice how I
always was cleaning up her bedroom and around the house, doing laundry,
washing dishes. I didn't even realized it was pissing me off..." I said a
little out of breath. 
" because...." she coaxed again as if talking to a pet. 
" uh.....because, I didn't....tell her." I tried, sounding small. 
" That's right. That was the old Sherry . discovering her anger after the
fact. Women in society often agree to things we realize we resent and feel
angry about *after*  we're already committed to it, don't we?. And sometimes
we  just use it as an nasty ol' excuse to beat ourselves up, right?" she
asked to no one in particular. 
" Yes ma'am. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!" I said. 
Sherry , you're a twenty three year old woman, you don't have to call me
"ma'am."  or feel sorry!" Dr. Cody shook her head with a smile.. 
" Sorry. I mean, you're right. and, sorry I said I was  sorry- shoot!" I
winced, hating how tongue-tied I get when on the spot and under pressure. 
"It's okay, sweet heart. This is your last session, and you are your own
person now. You don't need my, or your ex-roomie Alex or anyone else's
approval. Why, even feel free to disagree with me if you'd like, okay? I'd
be a step in the right direction. What I'm getting at is: Risk Sherry . Risk
female disapproval. Push back a little and find out the secret we *strong*
woman already know - the world doesn't end when people frown. We're not
just mirrors of your disapproving judgmental mother now, right?" 
" Yes ma-  I mean Doctor Cody. Your not. MY mother, I mean!" I smiled with a
shrug, hating how stupidly I nodded my head like an obedient little pup,
desperately searching for some flicker of hope past her disappointed
obligatory therapist plactic smile I was purchasing. 
"Just remember, whatever hidden *pay-off* cleaning your ex- room mate's cat
box gave you, the anger and humiliation aren't worth it - and your
resentment will eat away until you express it to her face- not for her sake,
but YOURS." 
" I know. You're right. " I said my tummy all ready in knots over a possible
new "Alex" confonatation. 
 
"Okay? So what are we going to do after this session today?" She asked
brightly, and this time I didn't miss a beat, my cue rehearsed. I always
flubbed the middle of the sessions, but somehow felt a rush or pride and was
able to throw my shoulders back proudly and give a cool little patient speech
when the hour was almost up. 
" I'm going to march right up to Alex's door and tell her in a assertive,
(yet non aggressive) way that - even though she's not responsible for my
feelings, (only I am), it was still a *mistake* for me not to express my
frustration at how she allowed me do all her chores around the house for
her! And that it really pissed me off in an ugly way and eroded what little
friendship or respect I have for her. "  I said, seeing myself doing it
forcefully in my muddled imagination, flags waving, people clapping, mother
rolling over in her grave. 
" Excellent! Not  - scoot before I have to bill you for my next session."
Dr. Cody laughed as I giggled and exited her office. As  I got into my car,
Now that it was all over...all the doubts and fears I'd had before my time
with Dr. Cody came bubbling up from inside me like familiar dark little
friends, assuring me what a fool I'd been. I scrunched up my face, 
determined to focus on the positive multiple choice questions she'd 
drummed into my head as I drove along. 
1. In social situations, I have something interesting to say.
Almost never
Rarely
Sometimes
Quite often
Most of the time
As I drove home, and not to Alex's house, I let my shoulders sink and felt
like a human turd. I'd spent over an hour with her and I hadn't even made an
interesting peep! what an Idiot! 
2.Most people around me seem to be better off than I am.
Strongly disagree
Somewhat agree
Strongly agree
Why was I doing this? Paying good money for a stranger to lecture me about
stuff I all ready know, but am too weak to practice? What a stupid door mat
she must think me, right?  Rehearsing the litany of cheezy positive
affirmations parading through my head, while the clarity of the ugly truth
sits right before me: MY silly moods aren't  important enough to bother even
someone I'm paying with! Making a fool of myself before Alex and Dr. Cody
are oddly are my only solid source of comfort and warmth I know I can rely
on.  
3.I feel that I mess up everything I touch.
Most of the time.
I remember that answer. Most of the time. It's true isn't it? I couldn't
even confront Alex about something as petty as picking up her dirty
underwear, could I? I just sit there like a dopy little puppet for Dr. Cody,
dancing around for the crumbs of her affection. Jesus! Everything I touch
gets totally messed up, thankfully! I think I would have died if Alex would
have found out how pissed I really was. She'd have laughed her ass off, I
know over what a gutless  wimp I've become. I bet she'd think I like it,uh? Cleaning up after her
like a little fool! We'll she'd be wrong! 
4.People respect and like only those who are good looking, smart, witty,
talented or rich.
Somewhat agree.
I know it sounds shallow, but I had to mark that one. Beside's it's true.
People like Alex *do* have an easier life cause they're better looking than a
plain jane like myself. Though I could never let Dr. Cody know, I knew why
Alex lets me clean up her smelly soiled panties and dirty dishes. We both
know it, but we dance around it - cause it's such an ugly truth.  
I know it when I'm alone in her bedroom and my hearts beating madly and 
with shaky fingers I force myself to secretly bury my face in arm-pit area of
the sleeves of her blouses - just to see if they're stinky enough to wash. That's
all. It's a disgusting chore, and Alex doesn't even know I do it and would
probably just laugh if she knew, and I hate *having* to do it - but do you
think I'd be doing it if she weren't so sensuous and witty and so much more
polished a person than me? see?
5.I am afraid of being rejected by my friends.
Most of the time
I don't even feel bad about this one, but it doesn't count cause I don't
really have that many friends. It doesn't bother me though. Dr. Cody doesn't
count cause she's paid to like me, and she's more like my mommy than a
friend. I thought Alex was a friend, but I'm still peeved she lets me pick
up after her like I'm a big fucking nothing! Where does she get the nerve?
Silently letting me suffer like that? I wish I could risk telling her off
like Dr. Cody said, but if Alex got pissed, then I wouldn't even have her,
as pathetic as that sounds. I won't even go into boyfriends. 
6.If I don't do as well as others, it means that I am an inferior person.
Agree.
This is a trick question, since I clearly *can't* do as well as others.
There's, like, everyone else, then there's, like, me. Sometimes it makes me
angry, but I mostly accept it. When Dr. Cody tries to feed me full of all
that "goody-two-shoes" crap, I secretly think of how inferior she really
knows I am. I think she likes me that way, so I'll keep coming back to her and 
pay her. I think she gets off on it. Not in some weird sexual way, but just in
 having the power she has over me as a counsellor. She'd say the power "I 
give her", but that's a bunch of crap. Actually, I think there is something erotic
and creepy  about how Dr. Cody keeps asking me about sniffing Alex's 
panties and stuff. Why is that so interesting to her? huh? maybe she gets off 
on inferior girls confessing weird stuff they do when their room mates aren't 
around. Maybe she's some weird lesbian or something. Who knows? 
7.I could disappear from the surface of the earth, and nobody would notice.
Disagree
I think my dad would eventually notice. And they'd notice at work, I'm sure.
This is a totally stupid question, isn't it? Do they think I'm stupid? Who
writes this stuff? And what kind of loser am I to be sweating over it? God I
hate myself for getting all weird and lurid and stuff when I act
so.....stupid! What's kind of freak am I?  
I wonder why I only get angry in my head and never out loud? I don't think
I've ever raised my voice once in my whole life, not even to Dr. Cody. Is
that sad or what? I wonder if Dr. Cody would miss me if I disappeared?
Probably not. She'd miss the checks. I hope Dr. Cody  doesn't think I'm a
lesbian cause I make such a fuss over Alex and hand wash her panties and
bras and stuff? That's not too weird is it? Naw. I think lesbians are weird.
What's up with them anyways? They repulsive, they really are. Not to be
prejudiced or anything, but if Dr. Cody thinks anything kind of weird lesbian
thoughts, then I'm *really* glad our sessions are over! 
8.I feel I can make mistakes without losing the love or respect of others.
Rarely
There is, like, totally zero margin for mistakes when Alex was running our
lives. She'd lives like a total piggy and sleeps with strange guys she drag
home from clubbing till 4: AM , then sleep in till 2: PM and know darned
good and well who'd be on her knees scraping up the beer stains off the
carpet, leaving me hoping God knows whatever mess she and her boyfriend
left on the sheets wouldn't soak through to the mattress. I was terrified
of being blamed if Alex's boyfriends *juices* ruined my mattress or
something. 
I also got freaky when I'd blow one of Dr. Cody's questions on self esteem,
which is lame, but it's just a huge responsibility to keep her fooled into
believeing that everything's okay. (whew!) At least that's over! 
9.I will never amount to anything significant.
Agree
Shoot. Why even bother to disagree? Why couldn't Alex and that strange guy
get drunk and mess up her mattress? Why soil mine? Why didn't she read my
hurt expression when she laughed drunkenly about accidentally peeing on it?
I can't believe I took it when I moved. It's practically ruined now, and
partly from male seed and my stinky urine. I feel insignificant over how used
to the aroma I get and how easy it's getting to bury my face in it each night. 
Sometimes I miss her, and sadly, this reminds me of howmuch she needed me. 
But I could just see Alex's hurt face if I confrontedher about it. Even though she 
drives me nuts, I really couldn't risk hurting her like that. I know she does love
me, and secretly relies on my help. What's she gonna do now that I'm gone? 
Who'll pick up after her? 
10.I don't need other people's approval in order to be happy and satisfied
with myself.
Strongly disagree
I'm really into approval, and though I've never told Dr. Cody, it makes me
feel, sensuous when people approve of me, but even more weirdly, the 
feeling gets even stronger when they disappointed in me! Alex never voiced 
her approval but she didn't have too. I new she was satisfied and approved
of me when she ate off one of my  fresh plates or snuggled into something
clean I'd washed for her. And that was enough, until I moved out. I'm 
ashamed of how Dr. Cody's approval makes me feel. I think it's her lesbian
influence that she uses to confuse  me, cause I'm really not hung up on 
women! I do feel a certain - flush when I've parroted one of her slogans 
back  to her like a good little patient. But when I feel Alex or Dr. Cody disses
me,....well, let's not even go there! (blush)
11.Someone that stands up to me or disagrees with me may still very well
like and respect me.
Strongly disagree
I know Dr. Cody said I could do this, but she was just being polite. God
knows she probably all ready thinks of me for trying on Alex's dirty bras 
and nylons in private. I'm not sure why I do it, but I'm sure it sounded 
weird to respectable woman like Dr. Cody, even if she is a repressed lesbo.
She's probably judging and laughing  at me me right now! I won't even get 
into Alex and daring to stand up to her. She'd leave me in a second - and 
then where would I be? Alex knows she wont last long on her own and she
knows we'll be back to together again. I won't even be cruel when she comes
crawling back, but I can't risk a confrontation - especially not  with someone
I need and who needs me as much as her! I sometimes can't stop thinking 
about her cat box though. 
12.By ignoring a problem, you can make it go away.
Somewhat agree
I know this sounds like sticking your head in a bucket, but it does work.
That's how I got into living with  Alex. I was sick of cleaning up stuff for my
mom, then she passed away and I just pretended she wasn't gone after all, 
and then Alex showed up and we started up just like I did with mommy. 
Only I never got so personal  with mom's under garments and mom didn't 
party like my Alex does. And IIgnored a lot of the truly sick  stuff  Alex did a
few years back with the hairdryer and the bag od poop and all that ugly
stuff, let alone her  stealing my....well, never mind. It's in the past and over. 
But, the point is, the problem of Alex being so mean when we first met and
my needing someone after mom went away worked itself out, didn't  it? 
13.Unlike others, I really have to go out of my way to make and keep a
friend.
Agree
 I wish I could have at least one friend who I didn't pay or I didn't pick
up after. Maybe I'm such a bitter pathetic doormat I don't deserve one. 
Okay, I lied. Alex's boyfriend used to me mine, not hers. Somehow she
twisted things around and she stole him away and she also used her
fingers in a brutal display of aggression and caught  me in a weak
moment and I did some stuff with a hair dryer that streached my
insides in a way that still's embarrassing to discuss and Dr. Cody made
me tell her the whole thing and I'm just sick about her knowing cause
now she *really * knows I'm a weird for getting off on such weirdness!!!
I just sometimes wish I could go back and show up at Alex's door and
she'd take me back and let me lovingly and loyally scoop her kitty 
litter like a good little roomie. 
I can't believe she kicked me out. 
Yeah, I lied to Dr. Cody about that too. I wonder if Dr. Cody knows ?
Probably. I just wanted to save a little face and make it sound like I did 
the leaving, was the strong one. dang it -  I was sure Alex needed me and I'd 
made myself useful to her somehow.
14. If someone ever falls in love with me, I better do my best to prove
worthy, because it may well never happen to me again.
I'm sorry. I can't even answer that one. The tears keep coming and I'm sick
of fooling myself. Alex's gone and  she'll never take me back. !!! I'm a fucking
loser, cause I love her. That's right - I admit it!!! I'm fucking in love with my 
room-mate and a fucking closet lezzie! Go ahead laugh! I can't count how 
many times I've passionately and deeply warmed Alex's insides with my 
tongue so my former boyfriend could slide inside her and pump her full of his
semen. It made my stomach churn to watch as I caught their excess as it hit 
the mattress. I licked  it up proudly, and not just cause my pussy was doing 
flip flops! 
I can't tell you how I've memorized the sick little smirk on her face, the look 
of embarrassment on his, and the glassy eyed stare Dr. Cody got when I 
recounted the whole bizarre episode to her, and how those shameful moments
caused my desperately sniffing  of Alex's clothes days afterwards. My sexual 
highs from the degradation and sickening shame of what Id  happily go through
to be treated like shit by her. I can't stop crying thinking about how I'm not 
worthy of her.  Of her juices or her discharge or her poo poo poo or pee pee or 
any part of her!!! Wasn't that enough? Wasn't I enough? Shit. The answer's
obvious isn't it? Obviously not. I'm a fucking fool, aren't I? Not worth a lover
or a friend. Now all I have for my stupid crush on my ex- room mates is a few
of her dirty bras and panties and her  (my) soiled mattress for a keepsake. 
15 .Being myself is a guarantee that people will dislike me.
I'm not going to agree with this one; 
I have proof. 
Here's where I showed up after I left the session with Dr. Cody. 
******************
I sat in my car and stared at the building. I tried to screw up my courage
to open the door and walk up. And say what? Confess what a weakling I am 
for caring? How I lack so little self esteem I can't even walk away from  a 
lover who never gave a shit about me and whom I still need? Who won't 
even let me clean up after her, bury my face in her soiled and stinky clothes
like precious trophies? Who'd smear my inner most feelings across  her
butt like shitty toilet paper and who I'd gladly let her do it again, just for
a second chance to smile through her dank smelly abuse? 
No, I'd lost that chance, just as I'd lost my mother years before. I was
totally alone and desperate, and ashamed of how on fire I was below as 
I played openly with myself below my skirt. I didn't even wipe my hands on a 
tissue as I got out of the car and walked to the door, my hands trembling in
fear as I inhaled my own odors in  a heated fog of shame and desperation for
any kind of love. I knocked on the door. She answered, that familar  face. 
"Sherry , what are you doing here? How did you know where I lived?." 
" Dr. Cody, I just.....er...I'm sorry, please don't think me weird, but I
followed you. Can I come in? Please?" I  asked hiding my fingers behind my 
back as she stared puzzledly at me, but holding the door a few inches 
apart. 
" I'm quite tired today Sherry . If you'd like to schedule some new
appointments - " she said a little coldly as I jumped in. 
" Please. I need to..."  I said near tears.
" Yes?" 
" Can I just...uh...clean your cat box? please? I know it sounds..." I said, my
face scarlet and knees shaking as I looked down. 
" Sherry , if I let you clean my kitty litter, how would that be any different than
 the way Alex used to abuse you? " she asked shaking her head. 
" Please? "  I said desperate for some sign she'd allow me into her life and
some humiliating perverse sexual relief. She looked quietly as I stood there 
with quivering lips, praying I'd find some need, some way to plug into her life, 
somehow some way. 
" I'm sorry Sherry , but you're a patient. It's wrong and we both know it. I'm a 
doctor." she said not moving an  inch as she tried to look away. 
" Please Doctor Cody, I need you, like a little girl. I'm weak and I can't
make it alone. I lied when I said I could,  and we both know it. I can- do stuff...
for you...."  I said not looking up and staring at her shoes as my hands 
reached for my waist. 
" Sherry , this is pathetic. Now..." her voice suddenly got thick as she saw
my panties plop in a little circle around  my ankles. 
I felt her roughly pull me inside and the door slam behind me. I stood there
in the darkness of her living room with my panties around my ankles, her 
fingers roaming my pubis in the darkness as I leaned against the door 
besides myself. Her hands found their way up my skirt and  her slid
finger slid into me rhythmically. 
" Okay, here's the rules. You pay me double my hourly rate and meet me here
once a week each evening, and you're to do everything I say without question
cause I'm sill your Dr. Cody, understand?" She whispered in a nervous 
voice, trying to sound firm. I moaned a positive reply , but could no longer
hide my tears. I felt her put her hand to my face.
" Sherry , what is it? " she said feeling my wet cheeks. 
" Dr. Cody, if we do this, does this mean, like, were *lovers* now?"  I
asked in a whisper. 
" No."  she said as she wiped my tears and continued finger fucking me. 
" How about...friends?" I whispered riding her finger and swallowing my hurt
and anger. 
" Wait here for a sec- "she admonished as she pulled her finger out and
slurped it into her mouth, started down  the hall away from me and toward the 
bathroom. Dr. Cody rummaged through her bathroom closet as I bit my 
lip  as my desperate hopes hung in the air. I started playing with myself through
my tears as I heard her mumbling  to herself and my heart sank at her answer
to my question. 
" Where 
is
 that hairdryer?" 
The End
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