Up on the stage is an enormous mostly-white flag, with the silhouette of a nude woman on the left and the stylized letters "ASSTR" vertically rising up the left border. The flag forms a background to the stage.

An impressively uniformed figure strides from the right wings to center stage. When the individual reaches center stage and pivots on a heal to snap to attention facing the audience with a WHACK from heels brought togther, the camera starts a slow pan. From the mirror-shiny black boots, past the chocolate colored razor-sharp creased pants, the patent leather belt, the camera switches to the silvery helmet bearing four lime-green stars, to the shoulder boards bearing the same stars. Next the camera pans the rows of ribbons

Other recipients easily recognize many of the ribbons - the crimson ribbon with gold circled "C", indicating the bearer is a veteran of at least one C*pyr*ght Flamewar; purple field with chalice, a Religious flamewar; Tan and White-striped ribbon for Dulcinea Memorial Campaign; other ribbons which may or may not have any significance but sure look purty.

"Be seated.

"Some people," he begins in a gravelly voice reminiscent of George C. Scott only if your ears are full of cotton, "have suggested that you win Silver Clitorides Awards by Sweating Blood for your readers. Bullshit! You win Silver Clitorides Awards By making the other authors Sweat Blood for their Readers!"

To emphasize this point, he slaps his riding crop into his left glove. Only the first row notice the wince.

In the wings, his Muse's Sockpuppet whispers to his Muse, "I hope he manages to get across that he thinks a little competition is healthy and improves everyone's writing, because that 'Patton' speach he's parodying is full of negative crap about hating losers."

The Muse nods. "You know how he gets. Some e-mail about the July Awards Presentation sent him scurrying to a uniform rental place. He wanted to polish the Silver Clitorides Awards' image."

"Did you watch the movie?"

Muse nods. "This speech is the antithesis of the one that opens that movie. That one praised Americans and their bellicose nature. This one praises writers of all nationalities and genders and preferences, and makes a big deal about..."

"...pen is mightier than the sword," Gary thunders on stage.

Sockpuppet groans, "Couldn't you get him to use something less trite?"

"Shhhh," she hushed. "It is a parody; it's supposed to have well-worn sayings in it. Now hush, he's about to announce the winners."

"..and that's why it gives me such pleasure to announce our first three-way tie." The riding crop smacks smartly against his leg. Not all the sweat on Gary's forehead is from the bright stagelights.

"The winners of the Silver Clitorides Awards for the best story of the month of January, 2002 are: Topped by Katherine T, Empirical Research by Wiseguy, and as falls cuyahoga so falls cuyahoga falls by Nicholas Urfe.

"Congratulations!

"Atten-HUT!

"Dis-MISSED!"