Dear Stepdaddy

Dear Stepdaddy:

Smoking Hot

Dear Stepdaddy,

I'm hot for my uncle, and now that I've turned thirteen I'm ready to do something about it. So you know, I go over to his house like every Saturday to help him clean and stuff, and he gives me $15, 'cause he doesn't have a wife to help him like that. Now that I know everything about sex and stuff, from the internet, I started thinking about other things he misses out on without a wife.

I found you by googling "uncle", "niece", "sex" and "advice." After reading all of your stories, poems and advice letters, my fingers are tired, my girl-parts are sore, but I feel a whole lot better about myself. I thought there was something wrong with me -- a girl my age thinking this way about a man my uncle's age -- he's like forty. And specially since's he's my mom's brother and all. Reading your stuff has made me realize how normal and right that actually is. (It has also made my fingers smell funny a lot over the past few days, LOL) I'm going to do whatever you say to get my uncle to like me. I mean, he likes me, but you know, in that way.

I have a pretty good idea, I just need your help with the details. I got onto my Uncle's computer and found out what he follows on Tumblr. I totally lucked out. He seems to be seriously into two things: what lots of the Tumblrs call "jailbait", and also he follows Tumblrs devoted to girls smoking cigarettes. If you don't know what "jailbait" means, it means young girls -- score one for me! That's why I said I was lucky. I don't get why I'm bait for a jail -- like trying to catch a jail building? -- but apparently that's me.

Now, I don't smoke -- you know, neither does my uncle, so what's up with that? -- anyway, I don't smoke, but of course I have to start so I can get my uncle to make a move on me, duh. So, do you have any advice as to what brand of cigarettes is sexiest, or what I should wear when I finally show my uncle that I'm a smoking piece of jailbait? How should I surprise him and stuff?

-- Smoking Sassy in Tallahassee

Dear Tallahussy,

Oh dear.

I am extremely conflicted in assisting you with this plan. I am very reluctant to encourage you in something as dangerous as taking up smoking. Don't you know this will most likely become an addiction that you will never kick, and that will have negative effects on your health and lifespan?

I would prefer you undertake something far less hazardous, such as hitchhiking alone across the country to come visit Stepdaddy, the whole way wearing daisy dukes and a t-shirt too small for even your petite 13-year old body, emblazoned with the message "will ride you for a ride". But no, you are set on taking up smoking. Ah well, the young do think themselves immortal.

I was able to overcome my hesitation, finally, because of the photo you sent me. I have never been into the smoking fetish myself, I barely even knew it was a thing. But that selfie of you trying to look sexy while sucking on that lit cigarette, your face (and small, naked breasts) looking pale, almost sickened, apparently in reaction to the unfamiliar vice...well, that made me say fuck it, this girl deserves my direction (by virtue of inspiring my erection).

I don't have anything to say about brands of cigarettes. I assume that will be immaterial to your success (now if, in response to what will be my last appeal, you are willing to abandon this smoking business and take up my suggestion about hitchhiking instead, I would have very precise advice as to which road you should be on, on what day and at what time, and exactly the make and model of the only car you should get into -- it's almost as though I can visualize the very car from where I sit).

Your question about what to wear, how to "reveal" the cigarette-fellating tramp you are willing to be for him, well I think I can contribute to that.

Now if you read the advice I normally give, you will see that what follows is a departure -- a case, perhaps, of the "exception proving the rule." I usually discourage young ladies from dressing "too old." In fact, I usually encourage them, in their pursuit of their most beneficial early sex partners (that is, significantly older, experienced men), that they should do everything to present as the young, innocent, and teachable young proteges they actually are.

In your case, I will suggest a different approach. I believe that when you surprise your uncle with the "new you", you should eschew white cotton panties, schoolgirl plaid, apple-cheeked cheerleader motifs. Rather, I suggest you present as a cocksucking roadhouse whore.

By this I mean you should dress in ridiculously high heels (it's okay -- better than okay -- if the shoes themselves are too big for you and obviously "borrowed" from your mother or older sister, etc. If you have difficulty walking in them, even better). A very short skirt. Cut it shorter with scissors if you have to -- you won't be wearing it long. It should be just long enough that your uncle, upon first seeing this display, will not be certain if you are hairless "down there" or not (you will be). Were the skirt any shorter, he'd know the answer to that (slight) mystery, since you mustn't wear any panties.

Your top should show a lot of skin, and since your breasts are rather small (which is fine), I suggest you bare your tummy to accomplish this. For a whimsical touch, you could sharpie something like "FUN" on your belly, over an arrow pointing toward your crotch. Yes, you should definitely do something like that.

Jewelry -- cheap, dangly bracelets and big hoop earrings. Tease your hair a bit if it's suitable for such tawdry treatment. Make-up? Hell yes -- eye shadow, mascara (too much is never enough), rouge on your otherwise too-pale cheeks. Lipstick, of course, red, bright. We don't care what "season" your natural coloring is. Fire engine red is your color for this effort. All very good.

Finally, the presentation itself. Set yourself up where he will come across you in the course of his regular household movements during one of your Saturday visits. Fully in "costume", take a long drag on the cancer stick (it's ok if this causes you to cough and sputter) and, once you are able, look him in the eye and say "Uncle, I'm ready to earn some REAL money."

Not only will you get what you think you want -- your maternal uncle's adult cock pounding away at your underaged sex, mercilessly -- but also, unless I am very much mistaken, it won't be long before you've met literally dozens of his friends. And one bonus result of your newfound popularity will be a slight increase in your pocket money. Slight, I suspect. But every penny will help, because smoking is a very expensive habit these days.

--SD

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