|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The fine art of dildo design has an analogue in every culture, from the short-lived Ocampans to the enormous and almost immobile Horta. The UPF's Commerce Board, for a limited time, is offering a selection of the best and most well-made dildos from every quadrant of the Galaxy. Each of these models has been exhaustively researched by Captain Kathryn Janeway of the USS Voyager, who upon returning from the Delta Quadrant, discovered she had too much free time on her hands. For her heroism in this matter was later promoted to Admiral. We can thus assure all of our customers that our dildos are among the most pleasurable designs that have ever existed. Most of these models are also highly recommended by Admiral Alynna Nechayev. Browse our catalogue now.
|
Klingon
The dRoh'Maqh-class dildo is a wonder of Klingon engineering. Made entirely of solid tritanium, it is built somewhat along the line of a bladed weapon: it has a handle section and what we call the 'user interface' section. Both sections are about 5-1/4 inches long, and the dRoh-Maqh is 1-1/2" at its widest point. Since it's tritanium, the user-interface end has been pour-dyed with mesmerising red-brown swirls (pour-dyeing is a technique almost all spacefaring races use; paint is mixed into the tritanium before its poured into molds. Most starships are painted in this way). The handle is matte black. The head has little spikes, about 1/2", protruding from it, and, if you want a special treat, the hilt has a concealed button which extends special blades, these almost 1" long, from just past the hilt, in a design highly reminiscent of d'q tagh daggers. Watch out--these spikes and blades are sharp! Our tester loved this model and, aside from the internal bleeding, said she would recommend it to just about anybody. 
|
|
Romulan
The Romulan Terinax-class dildo is sleek, smooth and titillating. It is made from patented Romulan synthflesh and colored an enticing shade of fleshy green, but you can't see it--because this dildo is also equipped with a fully-functional, always-functional cloaking device. So be careful! Someone could sneak up on you with a Terinax-class dildo and you'd never know what hit you! Just right for those sneaky Romulans. Even worse, this dildo has a built in truth-serum function--and since it's shaped like a standard Romulan penis (not too well-endowed; about 5 insertable inches and 1-13/16" at widest point) you can guess how the truth serum is transmitted. A button set into the base of the dildo triggers the delivery cycle. Just one press and your unsuspecting
|
|
Vulcan
The Vulcan Nete-an-nat dildo is a truly elegant design: 5-1/16" long and 1-1/3" at its widest point, in a beautiful bronze-green color with two shallow ridges spiraling down from tip to base. However, this dildo comes with an interesting and particularly Vulcan feature--it secretes a general anesthetic that prevents the user from feeling any sensation while it is in use. The anesthetic wears off after a few minutes, so don't worry about side effects. Not quite up our tester's alley--at least, it wasn't up her alley after the first test run--but in the interest of non-discriminatory policy, we at the UFP Commerce Board have decided to offer it anyway. UPDATE, Stardate 56903: We at the UFP Commerce Board have just discovered the Nete-an-nat's secret: every seven years, it changes its secretions from anesthetic to aphrodisiac. The first we knew about this interesting feature is when our tester suddenly reported that she was being attacked by what looked like a Vulcan dildo. After that, an unexpected malfunction locked the door to her cabin, and she wasn't heard from for over a week. When she emerged, she explained this previously-unknown feature of the Nete-an-nat and demanded we carry it. We had no choice but to oblige. Further research has discovered that if the dildo is not actually used during this period of hyperstimulation, it will molecularly disintegrate after approximately two days. The UFP Commerce Board is not responsible for such disintegrations due to irresponsible non-use by customers.
|
|
Tribble
Despite being legal pets, tribbles have been labeled an Ecological Menace by the UFP Board of Terraforming. Tribbles seem to do nothing but eat and reproduce, and if one should escape its cage, it and its resulting offspring could denude an entire planet in a matter of days. But if you purchase the UFP's patented Tribble Dildo, your planet will be safe from ecological disaster--because while your tribble will mate to its heart content, it won't produce any offspring! In the unlikely event that offspring develop anyway (actually, highly likely, since tribbles reproduce asexually) the Tribble Dildo also reproduces itself using nanomachines, creating ten fully-functional copies of itself every twelve hours. Also included is a pamphlet by the UPF's Board of Education, entitled Mommy, Where Do Baby Tribble Dildos Come From?, explaining the miracle of nanotech inorganic reproduction.
|
|
Ferengi
By far the most expensive dildo on our catalogue, the Ferengi Feringanin-class dildo is made out of pure gold-pressed latinum. It is also equipped with a featureless Ferengi bust on the bottom end of the shaft. This featureless bust will be automatically customized to show the features of the owner's face. 2" wide at widest point; 5-11/16" long counting the bust.
|
|
Borg
This is a marvel of post-contemporary engineering. The Borg, as we all know, far outstrip the technological capabilities of the Federation, and the Borg dildo is no exception. With a standard length of 6" and width of 1", this dildo can actually change its dimensions in moments to fit any orifice, if the proper vocal commands are spoken. It also has a microscopic matter-antimatter reactor and can achieve a maximum velocity of Warp 3.4, comes with auto-adjusting shielding, has a disruptor built into the head, can absorb a direct full-power phaser blast on bare hull from a Type V phaser rifle, and will continue functioning at full efficiency even if 78% of it has been destroyed. Be careful, though: the Borg have also installed security failsafes for this, their most precious of recreational devices. If the wrong vocal commands are issued, the dildo will extend assimilation tubules and injects nanoprobes into the hapless user's bloodstream. Whoever triggers this trap will quickly become assimilated into the Borg Collective. Finally, this dildo can be made to repeat the famous Borg monologue ("We are the Borg, resistance is futile," etc) in a seductive voice, for those of you who prefer dominatrix play. Truly a worthwhile buy! Just be careful of the assimilation tubules. The UFP Commerce Board is not responsible for accidental assimilation due to irresponsible use of this device.
|
|
Bajoran
Once we found out about this gem, we realized we absolutely had to stock it. The Paa'nara-class dildo doesn't look like much--it's covered in ridges, much like a Bajoran face; the Bajorans market this feature as "ribbed for her pleasure." However, our tester discovered a very interesting side effect. At times, when using this dildo, the sexual experience can become so intense that the user is whisked away to the Celestial Temple of the Prophets--a white-tinged world where the user can talk to these Bajoran deities, who take the guises of the user's close friends and family. The late Captain Benjamin Sisko of the station Deep Space Nine was the first to report this so-called "Orb Experience." The Prophets' comments are often cryptic, but the sheer novelty of the "Orb Experience" makes it worth stocking. You must try this at least once!
|
|
Founders
The Founders have actually developed an interesting piece of stimulus: their dildos are actually living, breathing humanoids, known as Vorta. Why? Because why else do Vorta exist but to masturbate a Founder's ego? Comes with a handy user's pamphlet: The Care And Feeding Of Vorta.
|
|
Jem'Hadar
None exist. There is no such thing as a Jem'Hadar female. The Founders are clearly sexist. UFP Human Rights teams have been dispatched to the Founder homeworld and will inform us of any breakthroughs.
|
|
Ocampa
This dildo, unfortunately, can only be used once; the peculiar synthflesh created by Ocampans begins to decay after contact with vaginal lubricants. Fortunately, it takes about six days for this process to really set in. This dildo is 13" long and 3" at its widest point, leading us to wonder exactly how Ocampan female anatomy works.
|
|
Vidiian
The Vidiians are a race discovered by the famous USS Voyager. These Delta-Quadrant denizens have been infected by an incurable rotting disease called the Phage, and to combat the disease the Vidiians have developed the technology to remove whole organs from other individuals--even living ones. The UFP Commerce Board has employed the latest in economic technology (the Ferengi) to establish an economic partnership with the Vidiians, and we are proud to offer Vidiian dildos at a low, low price. The Vidiian penis-simulator of choice is, in fact, a real penis, removed whole from the donor individual and preserved by hand in formaldehyde to prevent rotting. Because of the random nature of Vidiian organ harvesting, we are unable to give you a choice of which race's penis you receive, but we at the UFP Commerce Board prefer to think of it as an adventure in luck, chance and discovery. Order one today--we guarantee you'll be surprised by the product you receive!
|
|
Human
Ah, yes, the founders of the Federation. And what have they produced? Nothing, of course! Federation citizens don't have sex, silly!
|