F.1

In the morning, Jane was sore.  And that was all the reminder she needed to recall what had happened yesterday.

Did I really...  Yes, I did.  And not just once, but twice.  With two different people.  The first thing I need to do when I get to school is see if Nurse Chaplain has the Morning-After Pill.  I'm pretty sure this is the wrong time in my schedule, but, better be safe than sorry.

Not that she really recalled all that much of it; everything after the first half of choir was really a blur.  There'd been Russell; there'd been Jeff; there'd been the rain, sweeping down in sheets, barely visible in the blue-light gloom of the October dusk...

And then after that had been the flurry of the hospital, the confusion, the panic—the nurse's growing incredulity as more and more people came.  Arie, nearly in tears; Derek, his arm around her; Mr. and Mrs. Chang, looking harrowed.  Brandon, Meredith, Christa, Zach, Stasya, Jeff, Jane herself, Sajel and her date...  Tommy and Lisa, of all people, what were they doing here?  And then Trina, once they were finally allowed to see her: pale, clammy, breathing but seemingly swallowed by the monstrosity of bed and safety equipment and monitor machines.  And then finally Dr. Zelvetti, arriving nearly at ten-thirty—who had called her?  Why?  Of them all, Arie had taken it the worst.

And then someone must have driven her and Lisa home, unless she was hallucinating waking up in her own bed.  Because here she was, or here she appeared to be, and the blazing recurrence of sunlight through the window made her think the world had gone crazy and staggered back to summer again.

"All right."  Her mother bustled in, dragging Lisa by the arm.  "What happened last night?  You guys didn't get in until eleven o'clock.  I sat and waited for both of you at school for an hour, I tried your cellphones.  I almost went insane before just deciding that I'd have to trust you and your witless brains.  So, what happened?"

Jane blinked at her.  "I had sex," she said.

"What!" said Lisa.

"With whom?" her mother asked.

"Jeff Gainesborough," Jane said.  "He's Stasya's friend.  He's been hanging out with us for a while.  And then also with Russell Hebbert."

"At the same time!" Lisa said.

"No," Jane retorted, "of course not.  Separately."

"Who's Russell Hebbert," her mother asked.

"I...  I really have no idea," Jane said truthfully.

Megan Myers peered at her for a moment.  "I don't understand you at all sometimes."  She turned to her younger daughter.  "And you?  Judging by the activities of the past week, I think I can imagine."

"I had sex," said Lisa.

"Really?" Jane said.

"With whom?" her mother asked.

"Tommy Sternbacher, of course," said Lisa.

Jane gave her an angular glance.  "How many times?"

For once Lisa seemed discomfited.  She glanced around the room for a moment, as though it might somehow have the answer.  "Three," she said.

"The first thing I want both of you to do, once you get the school, is talk to the nurse about getting the Morning-After Pill," Mrs. Myers said.  "The last thing we need is—  What's so funny?"

Jane shook her head, laughing.  "Never mind.  Go on, Mom."

Megan Myers stared at the wall for a moment.  "Oh, your father's going to have a coronary when he hears about this."

"Maybe we shouldn't tell him," Lisa said.

"Nonsense, of course we should tell him," said her mother.  "We can't keep that from him.  But you know how he loves his little girls."

"I'm not exactly a little girl anymore," Lisa said.

"I know, why do you think he's going to have a coronary," her mother said.  "But still.  Lisa, even if you did it three times, unless little Tommy has more endurance than most of mankind put together, there's no way it could've taken until eleven o'clock.  Where were you?"

"Well, I, we..." said Lisa.

Jane shook her head.  "Trina went to the hospital."

"Trina?" said her mother.  "Who's Trina?"

"Trina Chang," said Lisa.  "Arie's sister.  She's a sophomore."

"Why'd she go to the hospital," her mother asked.

"She, um."  Lisa hesitated, once again nervous.  "She tried to kill herself."

"What!" said Megan Myers.

"Mom," Jane said, cutting off the explosion.  "Arie is clinically depressed.  So is Trina.  Haven't you ever felt like things were hopeless, that you were ruined and everything was all over?"

"Well..." said Megan Myers, hesitating.  "Yes."

"That's how Trina felt, last night," said Jane.  "Except worse.  Except a lot worse.  She felt so bad that she decided the best thing to do would be end it now.  And so she tried it."

"Jane..." said her mother.  "I'm not sure I want you...  Associating with people who—"

"Mom!" Jane flared.  "Don't you see?  Are you listening?  This isn't normal.  She tried something crazy, for the same reason anyone would try something crazy—because she was in a crazy situation.  She's a normal girl.  But sometimes, just like anyone, she does abnormal things.  Okay?"

Megan Myers blinked a few times and gaped at her daughter.  She had seen Jane act this defensive before; oh yes, she'd seen it many times.  But never about...  Someone else.

"Well," she said at last.  "We've got to get you two to school.  Up and at 'em, Janey.  One more day."

One more day.  She had almost forgotten, in all the chaos of the afternoon and evening.  Today was Friday.  Her last day in The Program.  After tomorrow, she would never need to go without clothes again, unless she wanted to.  The end of an era.

Will I ever actually want to go naked?  ...Probably not.  Not in public, at least.  But if I ever find a boyfriend, whom I love, and we...  You know.  Well, it's hard to do that with clothes on, right?  That's what Dad said.

Her friends were gathered on the Stetsen porch, as always; Arie and Derek were joking together, Meredith and Brandon conversing with Stasya and Jeff, Zach and Christa talking to Sajel.  It was like everything had reset, all the tremors and shakes and confusions gone, and they had all fallen back to a simpler state of life, to a place where everything was easy and strife unknown, kissed away by the warmth of the sun.  For a moment she felt a flicker of déjà vu, as if none of the last week had ever happened.

Then Jeff looked up and saw her, and his eyes went wide and tight, and he smiled.

"And Jane herself," said Meredith, smiling.  "How are you?  I understand something happened last night, before Trina, but we never got a chance to ask you."

"Oh, well," said Jane.

"Jeff won't tell us," Brandon amplified.  "He says it's your business and not his."

Jeff gave her a calm look and a shrug.

"Well..." said Jane, suddenly reluctant.  Russell she could explain away: she'd been plain-out insane, pushed by his endless confidence into things she never would have agreed to otherwise.  Just like Trina, I suppose.  But Jeff...  That had been entirely her idea.  Even more like Trina.

And yet Meredith and Brandon were, of all her friends, the two most likely to understand.

"He and I had sex last night," she said.

"What?!" said Brandon, incredulous.  "First you fucked Russell, then you did Jeff??"

Jane winced.  "Please.  Not so loud."

But it was already too late.  "Wait, what?" Sajel called over.  "Did you just say she fucked Russell?"

"She did," Arie said.  "We saw it."

"And then she did it with Jeff," Brandon said.  "Or so she says."

Everyone looked at Jeff, who managed to give them a totally blank face.  "Don't look at me," he said.  "It was her idea.  She was gagging for it."

"I was not!" Jane retorted.  "I just...  The thing with Russell was bad, okay?  It was really bad.  He just threw me over the desk and took me, basically."

"Really?" Arie said.

"And him claiming to be some sort of super-skilled sex god, too..." Zach said.

"Did he know it was your first time," Arie asked.  "Did you tell him?"

"No," Jane said.  "I didn't have a chance to.  Everything just moved too fast."

"And how does this relate to Jeff," Brandon asked.

"Well...  Russell wasn't my first time," Jane said.  "—I mean, it was my first time, but it... wasn't.  It wasn't like first times are supposed to be like."

"I dunno," Meredith said.  Brandon's arm curled around her waist in a lazy loop.  "First times can be overrated.  Generally they aren't half as good as porn stories and romance novels and things make them out to be."

"I wouldn't know," said Jane.  "But I'm pretty sure that, even for a real one, being thrown over a desk and taken is still a pretty bad deal.  Isn't your partner supposed to be nice to you, at least?"

"Yes," Christa said, ending the debate.

"So..." said Jane.  "I asked Jeff to help me with a real first time.  And...  He did."

There was a short silence as they digested this idea.

"So...  You fucked Russell," Brandon said, "and then you made love with Jeff."

Jane considered this statement.  "Yeah," she said.  She liked the sound of it, the clear verbal differences in what was, after all, essentially the same physical act.  "Yeah."

"So," Derek said.  "How was it?"

"Well..."

"He meant Jeff, lady, stop hogging the spotlight," Zach interjected, grinning.

Jane blushed.  "Err.  I."

"Zach, shut up," Sajel said, "minus three hundred points Zach.  Jeff and Jane: how was it?"

"Well," Zach said, "he had fun, we know that..."

"Not necessarily," Meredith said.  "I'm sure that's what Russell's saying about Jane right now, and we all know the truth of that."

"Well, that's what makes him a moron," Zach said easily.  "Unlike myself, who is sensitive, kind and perceptive."

Sajel gave a loud, amused "Hah!"

"So, how was it, guys?" Christa asked.

"Well.  Zach basically got it," Jeff said.  "I liked it.  I mean, I had sex: what's to complain about?"

"Spoken like a true man," Brandon observed dryly.

"And you, Jane?" Arie asked.  "How was it for you?"

"Well..."  Jane reflected on the events of the past twenty-four hours.  "The sex was good.  I mean, that's kind of to be expected.  Brandon was right: I really am sensitive.  It doesn't take a lot to make me, uhm.  Come.

"The thing is..."  She swallowed.  What an enormous admission to make.  "I like...  Sex.  I mean, I know I used to, um.  Masturbate.  A lot, until my mom caught me and yelled at me.  I was six, so I was, you know, really impressionable.  And then there's all that stuff you guys told me about not wanting to be perceived as flawed—"

"Hey, it's not like we were just making that stuff up," Zach protested.

"No, I know that," Jane said.  "But I haven't been able to figure out if it's right or not.  It feels right, though, and it certainly explains my actions."

"So what prompted you to change your mind," Meredith asked.

Jane thought for a moment.

"It...  The time was right," she said, and everyone nodded.

"I had all of you guys, you know, telling me that this was the time.  And not just you: everyone.  Lisa, Dr. Zelvetti, my classmates, the school in general...  Even my parents.  Not to say that they, you know, wanted me to have sex, but they told me: 'You're in The Program for a reason.  Don't waste it.'  But the hardest thing for me to do was admit that I was in The Program for a reason.  That I did want to explore my, my, you know, sexuality.  But once I did..."  She shrugged.

"You really, really explored it," Zach said, grinning.  "Is there anything you haven't done?"

Jane felt a spike of wicked humor in herself and said, grinning: "Anal."

"Whoa!" said Zach.  Arie catcalled, and everyone else laughed.

"So, Jane," Meredith said.  "If someone asked you out today, would you have sex with him?"

"What, today," Jane asked.

"Well, not necessarily today..." Meredith said.  "Though you'd be in good company if you did.  Most of us slept with our partners on our first date.  Or before.  ...Actually, come to think of it, I think Brandon and I were the only ones who actually waited until our first date to do it."

"Hey," Stasya said, "what am I, chopped liver?"

"I might ask the same thing," Sajel said.

"Right, but we aren't asking you," Zach said, sticking his tongue out.

Sajel tossed her hands.  "Chopped-liverdom.  Nine thousand, three hundred forty two points from Zach."

"Why that number?" Zach asked.

"Not on the first date," Jane said, "I'm not that desperate."

"But you'd consider doing it at all," Brandon said.

"Well...  Yeah," Jane said.  "If the time was right.  Brandon, believe it or not, I did actually think about having sex with you.  Not, like, seriously contemplated it, but, just...  Fantasized."  She shrugged.  "About what it might be like, one day, if you and I were married, had children...  I could conceive of it happening, is the point, though never on the time scale you were suggesting."

"The time wasn't right," Brandon said.

"Yeah," Jane said.  "It wasn't."

Brandon sighed.  "I wish you'd told me that."

"I'm glad I didn't," Jane said.  "Because look at us now.  Look at you now."  He was holding Meredith's hand, unwilling to be separated from her for even a minute.  "I love you, Brandon, and I always will, but you're much happier with Meredith.  Even I can see that."

"The time was just...  Never right," Brandon said.

"Yeah," said Jane.

"But one day, the time will be," he said.  "For you."

"Yeah," Jane said.  "Like, when I'm on birth control, for instance."

"You're what!" Christa said.  "You're not on—"

"Good Lord, Jane," Zach said, "even I'm not foolish enough to—"

"Jeff!" Stasya said.  "I thought we taught you better than that!"

"Right, that reminds me," Jane said, "I'm supposed to get the Morning-After Pill, aren't I!"

"Brandon, go," Christa said.  "Take her to Nurse Chaplain, now!"

"Why Brandon," Zach said.

"Because he's the only one I trust not to screw it up," Christa said.

"Hey, what am I, chopped liver," Derek protested.

"Sheesh, we got a lot of that around today," Stasya said.  "Christa minus fifty."

"No, what about Jeff," Zach said, "I mean, if it were anyone's, it'd be his—"

"Or Russell's," Stasya said.

"Only minus fifty?" Jeff asked.

"Christa gets extra bonus for being a vegetarian," Sajel said primly.

Meredith caught Jane's eye, beckoning her and Brandon towards the nurse's office.  "Come on, you guys, before the bell rings."

Brandon and Jane laughed, and the three of them went.

F.2

Three periods had passed before it was Sajel's turn to be interrogated.  As predicted, it was Zach and Christa who turned the thumbscrews.  Sajel didn't mind.  It was in their nature to be nosy, just as it was in hers to needle her friends' foibles.  It was part of why she loved them, and part of why they loved her.

Still, they could at least be a bit more graceful about it.

They planted themselves in her field of vision and would not let go, no matter which direction she turned.  "Spill," Zach said.  "We saw you at the hospital but we couldn't ask you how the date went."

"Why was Garrett there?" Christa asked.

"Because he offered to drive me," Sajel said.

"You guys were still on your date when we phoned you?" Zach exclaimed.

"What, did you think I'd take one look at him and tell him to buzz off," Sajel asked acidly.

"Well," Zach said.

"So, how did it go?" Christa asked.  "What did you do?  Did he bring you flowers?  Did you go to a movie?"

Sajel sighed and walked off.  Predictably, they followed her.  "Hey!" Zach said.  "We're talking to you!  How rude!"

"Where did you guys eat?" Christa asked.

"Did you tell him?" Zach asked.  "About your, you know, thing?"

They kept babbling while Sajel strolled off.  She really had no idea where she was going, if truth be told, but there were only so many places a man could be at this school.  If she walked around long enough...

And there he was.  "Well, hello, Sajel," said Garrett.  He and his friends were near the art classroom, in the crook of the L of the Norter wing.  "What brings you here?  And with back-up, I see.  You know—"  He smiled.  "—If you don't want to see me anymore, you could've just told me last night."

"No, actually," Sajel said.  "I just kind of wanted to apologize for the, ah, rather vaguely traumatic way things ended last night.  Uh.  I hope you weren't weirded out by any of it."  He'd driven her to the hospital to be with Arie and stayed until eleven thirty, without any complaint or comment.  Eventually she'd almost forgotten he was there.

"No, no worries," said Garrett.  "My last girlfriend did self-harm, so I understand that stuff."

"Good," said Sajel.  "I'm glad."

Garrett nodded.

"We're not—  We're not normally like that," said Sajel.  "Last night was a...  A bit of a crisis.  It doesn't happen like that all the time."

"I certainly hope not," Garrett agreed.  "Suicide watch every week or so would get a bit draining after a while."

"Yeah," Sajel agreed.

Zach and Christa murmured between them, and she realized they had been there the entire time, while she ignored them.  "—Oh.  I'm sure you've met these two before, but, um.  Garrett, this is Zach Crane and Christa Sternbacher."

"A pleasure," said Garrett.

"So, um," said Sajel.  "The point was...  I wanted to apologize for the way our date ended yesterday."

"Oh, no problem," Garrett said.

"And," Sajel said.  "I thought I should make it up to you, if I could.  See if we can try it again, do a better job."

"Ah," said Garrett, his face depicting his confusion.

"I'd need an opportunity," Sajel hinted broadly.

"Oh," said Garrett, finally getting it.  "When are you available?"

The chatter from Zach and Christa came to a full and complete stop.

"Well-lll..." said Sajel, a playful smile alighting on her face.  "I'm not doing anything this evening..."

"I see..." said Garrett, smiling.  "Same time, same place?"

"Sounds good to me," she replied.

Zach and Christa were so silent that it took real effort to resist the urge to look back over her shoulder at them.  "Great!  See you then!"  But she wouldn't give them the satisfaction.  She waved to Garrett, began to turn away, and then gave him a secret smile over her shoulder.  "Oh, and, this time, when we get to the porch: try it, and see what happens."

And as she left and her friends chased after her, stunned, she took with her the memory of Garrett's eyebrows climbing into his hair.

"Wha—  Wha—  What was—"  Christa seemed to be having trouble with complete sentences.  "What was that?  Sajel?  Sajel!  What was—"

Oddly, it was Zach who quieted her.  "Hush, sweetie.  Let her walk."

"But I don't know what just happened!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Zach asked.  "She likes him.  It worked.  Garrett wins."

"Wow, astute observations, Zach!" Sajel said.  She grinned.  "Minus thirteen hundred points for stating the obvious."

"What!" Zach exclaimed.  "But Christa's the one who couldn't figure it out!  You should be taking points from her too!"

"Wow, you're not a very protective boyfriend, Zach," Sajel said, grinning.  "Another thousand points down."

Zach tossed his hands.  "Why do I even bother."

"How many points does he have, anyway," Christa asked.  "You've been docking him like ten thousand points a day for the entire week.  He must be at, like, negative fifteen gazillion or something."

"Well..." said Sajel, biting her lip.  "A few more than that."

"What, sixteen?" Zach asked.

"No," Sajel said.

"Fourteen?"

"No."

"Well, what then?" Zach asked.

"Err.  Well."  Sajel bit her lip again.  "About positive infinity."

Zach stopped walking.  "What?"

"You heard me, Zachary Crane," Sajel said.  "You're at plus-infinity points right now.  Just like all my friends.  And since infinity is, well, infinity, there's no way your score can go down."

Zach blinked at her.

Sajel looked back.

Zach shook his head.  "Only you, Saje."  He grinned.  "Only you."

Sajel grinned back.  "Ah, you know you love it."

F.3

It was on Friday that Rick Downing decided to try again.

Meredith saw him first, making his way through the midmorning crowds with that casual saunter of his—during the weeks of band camp that came after their ill-advised fling, she had grown attuned to his swagger, the better to avoid it.  She saw it now, and thought, What good timing.  If he'd tried this just twenty-four hours ago...

"Uh-oh," said Brandon, sitting beside her.

"We can take him," she told him.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"If I wasn't, I'd be saying we should run," she told him dryly.

Brandon reached over and plucked her hand out of her lap, held it in his own.  She smiled and squeezed his hand.

"So, Meredith," said Rick Downing, wandering up.  "Still hanging out with this loser?"

Brandon seized the initiative and turned to her.  "So, Meredith.  Still hanging out with this loser?"

"Wow."  Rick Downing tossed his head.  "That's original."

"About as original as trying to steal someone out from under her boyfriend's nose?" Meredith asked.

"Boyfriend?" Rick exclaimed.  "Boyfriend?  Come on, Meredith, grow up.  What we had was so much better than that."

Brandon turned to her.  "Wow.  Do you think he goes through the day without checking reality at all?"

"That may be true," Meredith said dryly.  "That may be true."

"Reality?" Rick thundered.  "Reality?  Don't give me any of that crap.  Life is what you make of it, bonehead."

They stared at him blankly for a moment, not sure what to make of that one.

"What do you want, Rick," Meredith said finally.

"Well."  He fluffed up his self-importance.  "Well.  Isn't it obvious?"

"Uh..."  She decided to call his bluff.  "Sure."

"Well, come on, then," he said.

Meredith blinked.  "What?"

"You said it was obvious!" he cried.

"Yeah, but you coming here to annoy me doesn't require me to go anywhere with you," Meredith said.  Brandon cracked up.

"Shut up!" Rick Downing said.  "You're an asshole.  Get lost."

"Look who's talking," Brandon said, neutrally but with a dangerous edge under it.  "Someone who takes advantage of a lonely, scared girl just to get into her pants."

"Rick," Meredith said loudly, cutting between the two of them before they could really get started.  "I know I slept with you, once, at band camp.  But you need to know that I don't intend to have a relationship with you.  Nor did I, at the time.  It was a one-time thing, nothing more."

"That's not what I was here about," Rick Downing said quickly.

"Good," Meredith said, sensing his vulnerability and leaning on it.  "Because I love Brandon, with all my heart.  What I did with you, hurt him, and I don't intend ever to repeat it—not with you or anyone else.  Brandon's the only one for me."  And that didn't even begin to touch on just how desperately she needed him, but the look Brandon gave her was pure joy, and she decided that it would do.  For the moment, at least.

"That's not what I was here about," Rick Downing said again.

"Then why are you here," Meredith asked.

"Well...  I..." said Rick.  "You've been seeing him for a year, you say?"

She traded glances with Brandon.  Where was this going?  "Yes..."

"So...  When you were with me...  You cheated on him.  Right?"

"Ye-esss..."

Rick Downing clapped his hands.  "Well, there ya go then!"

This was getting more confusing by the minute.  "There...  I go...  Where?"

"That doesn't bother you?" Rick asked Brandon.  "That she fucked someone who wasn't you?"

Meredith looked at Brandon with apprehension.  Of all the tactics Rick could've chosen, by luck or chance or planning he'd struck on the one that was, probably, the most likely to work.

Brandon took a deep breath.  "I'd be lying if I said it didn't.  I love Meredith more than anything, but even then it's going to be a little while before I can stand to touch her that way.  Yes, it bothers me."  He looked up, meeting Rick Downing's gaze squarely.  "But some things are more important than that.  Like Meredith.  She's the one for me.  She's the only one for me."

Meredith fought to keep from grinning like a fool.  She succeeded only partially.

"I'm thrilled for you," said Rick Downing in a voice that suggested he was anything but.

"And we're thrilled for you too," Meredith said, beaming.

Rick Downing scowled.  "I can't believe this.  You guys suck."

"Gee, Rick," said Brandon artlessly.  "Life's a lot more fun when you're positive."

"You're so head-over-heels for each other that even cheating doesn't fuck you over," Rick said.

"Now now," Meredith said.  "It hasn't fucked us over, no, but...  There've been problems."  She sighed.  "Lots of problems.  It'll be a while before we really work them all out."

Rick Downing snorted.  "Yeah, whatever.  Cry me a river.  Go have fun 'working them out,' guys."  He left.

Brandon looked at her.  "That was...  Odd."

"Yeah, wasn't it," Meredith agreed.

"But...  You were right," he said.  "We withstood it."

She felt suddenly tired.  "Toldja so."

"You did," he said.  "Even though he got in under our defenses and tried to break it up from the inside.  God, he was smart, to go for the cheating angle..."

"You didn't get angry," she said.  "Not a lot."

"Yeah," he said, looking away.  "I was going to, when he reminded me of just...  What a nightmare it's been.  But then I remembered—"  His eyes returned to hers, full force.  "You did it because you love me."

She nodded, her voice catching in her throat.  A strange truth, to be sure, but true nonetheless: "I ran, because I couldn't bear to lose you.  I love you too much, Brandon."

She clung to him, near tears, and he sheltered her in his arms.  It was a sensation so basic, so simple, it was hard to believe.  Her name was Meredith Levine: she lived, she ate, she breathed...  She needed his arms, his touch, his love.  And she knew he was exactly the same.

Then he pulled back.  "Is this safe," he asked.  "Is it healthy for us to...  To need each other so much?"

She frowned.  "I asked you that in May, and you told me not to worry about it."

He sighed, and shook his head.

She was silent for a moment.  "No," she said, in the end.  "It's...  It's not healthy for us to need each other this much.  But...  We do.  And the miracle is that we found each other at all.  So, I think the better question is: Does it matter?"

He nodded, and she saw the understanding in his eyes.  We do, so does it matter if it's healthy or not?  Because all the good or bad in the world wouldn't change the fact that, at the end of the day, they needed each other.

He drew her close again, and she rested her head on his shoulder, feeling his heart beneath his shirt, his heart against hers.  Two hearts, so close they might have been one.

Two hearts, torn apart.

Stronger for the break.

F.4

Trina was sleeping when they came in, so it wasn't for almost fifteen minutes that they got to talk to her.  Even then, she seemed surprised to see them.  "Arie.  Derek.  What are you doing here?  Isn't school still going?"

"Yes, it is," Derek said.  "But we got special permission from Dr. Zelvetti, since she couldn't be here herself.  Did you know she was here last night?"

"No," said Trina quietly.

"Derek," Arie said.  "Hush.  We're not here to interrogate her."

Derek snorted.  "Deserves it after making us panic like that."

"Be that as it may," Arie told him.  "If you can't be civil, you can wait outside."

Derek stared at her, astonished.  Trina stared at her, astonished.  "What?" Arie said.  "Is propriety that far beyond me?  Sheesh, you guys."

She pulled up a chair and sat down near her sister's hospital bed.  After a moment, Derek did the same.

"So, how are you," Arie asked.

"I'm...  All right," said Trina.  "Alive, obviously.  I've slept a lot.  I'm really hungry too.  They told me they had to pump my stomach, and I hadn't eaten anything since lunch anyway."  She frowned.  "But all they'll give me is this nasty blended smoothie stuff.  Supposedly it's to give my stomach lining a rest, but it tastes like ass.  Can't stand it."

Arie laughed.  "And where did you learn what ass tastes like?"

"Shut up," Trina said crossly, and Arie shook her head and smiled and fell silent.

Trina fidgeted with the bedspread.  "So.  Why did Dr. Zelvetti send you here?"

"Because she's concerned," Arie said.  "We all are."

"Pfft," Trina said.  "Yeah right."

"Yes, right," Arie said without heat.  "Trina, annoying bitch though you may be sometimes, we still get worried when you do something crazy like this.  You're my sister.  That's more important than a lot of things."

" 'We'?" said Trina.

"Yes," Derek said.  "We.  If Arie is concerned, I'm concerned, and I'm pretty sure that goes for her other friends too."

"Then why aren't they here," Trina asked acidly.

Arie sighed, but held to her patience.  "Trina, if you're determined to be obstinate, we can always go back to school.  We don't have to be here.  As you yourself have pointed out.  Now, would you like us to stay, or go?"

"No," Trina said, "no, I'm...  Can you stay?  Please?"

"Of course we will," Arie said.

There was silence for a moment while Trina fidgeted with the blanket.

"It was all your fault, you know," she said, looking up suddenly.  Her voice was desperate.

"What do you mean," Arie asked.

"Your fault," Trina said.  "That I did...  This.  I know the meeting with Dr. Zelvetti was your idea."

"Oh," said Arie.

"Meeting?" Derek asked.  "Is that where you were during break yesterday?"

"She chewed me out," Trina said plaintively.  "She and Dr. Zelvetti totally chewed me out for being who I am."

"We did not," Arie protested.  "That's unfair, Trina.  We saw you making mistakes—at least, what we thought were mistakes—and wanted to make sure we knew.  That's what friends do."

"Exactly," said Trina.  "You chewed me out."

Arie sighed and sat back in her chair.

"You were right," Trina said quietly.

Arie and Derek said nothing, hoping she would keep talking, and she did.

"When you told me...  All that stuff about being myself, and about...  How I wasn't being myself...  I didn't want to believe it.  But then I remembered what Brinklady said on Candlelight: that if you don't like hearing something about yourself, it's probably true."

Arie nodded.

"And..." said Trina.  "That just...  Screwed me up.  I didn't...  I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't believe I'd been...  Doing this for so long.  I couldn't believe I'd screwed myself up so much."

"Well..." Derek said politically.  "People make mistakes sometimes."

"Yes, but...  Not like I did," said Trina.

Derek had no answer to that.

"So...  I just...  Couldn't take it anymore," Trina said.  "I felt so alone."

"I'm sorry," Arie said.

"Don't be," Trina said.  "You saved me."

"I hurt you."

"Shit happens."  Trina shrugged.

Arie smiled sadly.

"So..." Derek said.  "Now...  What happens?"

"Arie gloats over how right she was," Trina said.

"No," Arie said, "I wouldn't."

"Oh, come on," Trina said playfully.  "You aren't going to at least say 'I was right, I told you so'?"

"If this is the cost of being right, I'd rather be wrong," Arie said.  "Some friend I am, if I can't even keep the people I care about from hurting themselves."  And this time it was Trina who reached out to her sister—Trina, reaching out to help someone for the first time she could recall in a long, long time.  Derek took both their hands, and for a moment they were united, united in grief, united in love.

"I just wish I hadn't wasted my Program week," Trina said.

"Huh?" Arie said.  "What do you mean?"

"Arie, look at me," Trina said.  "I just spent the entire week prostituting myself.  And now it's Friday, and my chance is wasted."

"Trina, look at yourself," Arie responded.  "It's Friday.  You're not in school.  You missed a day of The Program.  You're going to have to do it again."

Trina's mouth dropped open, slowly curving into a smile.

"Looks like you found a silver lining to this particular cloud," Derek said.

"I will!  You're right!  I'll have to do it again!" Trina exclaimed.

"Well, maybe not have to," said Arie.  "Dr. Zelvetti might waive that rule in your case.  But if you make it known that you don't want her to waive it, well..."  She shrugged and grinned.

"You're getting a second chance, Trina," Derek said, smiling.  "That's not something most people get."

"But I've got to avoid screwing up like I did before," Trina said.

"Don't prostitute yourself," Arie said.  "Popularity is for losers.  Like me."  She grinned.

"Just go with your heart," Derek said.  "Do whatever you want or don't want to do.  Don't let anyone tell you what to do.  Be yourself."

Trina's face fell, and she looked at them both for a moment.  "Be yourself.  I guess that's what it comes down to, isn't it."

"Why would you be anyone else?" Arie asked.  "Why would you be me, or Derek, or Meredith, or Chrissy Wheatley, or Princess Diana?  Do you know anything about being them?  Of course not.  We never do.  So go with what you know.  Be yourself."

"But what if I don't know myself," Trina asked.  "What if I..."

"Trina, why do you think we have teenagers?" Arie asked.  "Why do you think teenagers do crazy stuff?  It’s because they don't know either.  None of us do.  So we do crazy stuff, we try it on for size.  And most of us discover, hey, that's not us.  So maybe we don't know what we are, but slowly we learn what we're not.  Which is what you've been doing, basically.  Just, you got confused between what you're not and what you are."

"Yeah," Trina said.  "Yeah.  Or, really, what I want to be and what other people want me to be."

"There'll always be people who want you to be something you're not," Derek said.  "Now you know their faces a little better."

"Yeah," Trina said, sobering.  "Yeah.  I know them.  Alex Masterson...  The popular people...  The non-popular people...  My mom."  She sighed.  "Me."

"Which is why you have friends," Arie said.  "To pull you back when things get tough."

"I do have friends, don't I," Trina said.  "And even more than that: I have a sister."

F.5

It was the end of her last day in The Program, and Jane felt, strangely, a bit of anti-climax.  She had been Rule Three'd several times, culminating in a need for relief in fourth period, but nothing particularly interesting had happened all day.

Of course, if something happened that could somehow top Thursday afternoon, I'd probably have another breakdown.  Even if I enjoyed it.

She knew what was going to happen: a gauntlet, leading to the clothes boxes, of people interested in a last-minute Rule Three, or people who'd been too timid or afraid to speak up until now, or the hangers-on and bystanders come to see whatever there was to see.  These people did not scare her now.  She had passed through that fire.

Dr. Zelvetti was waiting by the clothes boxes, though it took Jane a good five or six minutes to reach her.  "Well, Jane," said Dr. Zelvetti broadly.  "How was your week?"

"It was...  Pretty well, Dr. Zelvetti," said Jane neutrally.  There were things she was simply not about to tell this lady, no matter how much she liked her.

"You're still naked, I see," said Dr. Zelvetti.  "I guess that means you've completed your Program week."

"I guess it does," Jane agreed.

"Well," said Dr. Zelvetti.  "Congratulations, Jane.  I'm proud of you."

She would be, she wanted me to do this more than anyone else did.  But she forced herself to be polite and say, "Thank you, Dr. Zelvetti."

Dr. Zelvetti looked at her shrewdly, and Jane suddenly wondered if she'd somehow heard or perceived her thoughts.  "I hope you won't hold it against me, that I forced you through a second time," she said, which only unnerved Jane more.  "Jane, you're a wonderful girl, and you deserve the best you can have.  But first you have to come out of your shell.  You see?"  She looked at her with direct eyes, and Jane realized, to her alarm, that Dr. Z wanted her approval.

"It's all right," she said.  "You're right about that shell thing.  I honestly don't know if I'd've come this far if left on my own."  Which was the truth, but didn't say whether it was a good thing that she'd come that far.  Because, of course, Jane wasn't entirely sure herself.  She was different than she had been; that was all she knew.

Dr. Zelvetti nodded, and then, evidently, deciding she'd gotten the answer she wanted, took her leave.

Jane had barely gotten one of her shoes off, however, when the next trauma came up.  "Jane Myers, the God of Pastries!  Hear me!"

"God of Pastries?" Jane said.  "Does such a thing exist?"

"Probably not," Russell said, grinning.  "Hopefully not."

"So, what can I do for you, Russell," Jane said.  "You've got about two seconds before I start dressing."

"Jane," Russell said.  "I'm hurt.  After all the quality time we've spent.  I made you come, after all."

"That doesn't make you Jesus," Jane said blankly.

"Well," said Russell.  "Never said it did.  But I had another thing to say."

"Go for it," Jane said, digging into the box with her shirt.  She realized that Russell could reach over and touch her privates if he wanted—she was bent over that way—and decided she didn't care.  Russell didn't bother her anymore.

"Jane Myers," Russell said, "are you busy tonight?"

"What!" said Jane, standing bolt upright.  She stared at him.

"You heard me," he said.  "You're hot.  I want you to date me."

"No!" she said, pulling away.

Now it was his turn to gape.  "Why not?  You like me.  I like you.  You're incredible, Jane.  I've never met anyone who's got the guts to do things like you are.  I'm like, 'Come on, just try it,' and they're like, 'Noooo,' but you're all, 'Sure, let's.'  And it's awesome.  Jane, I'm never gonna find anyone like you.  And you're never gonna find anyone like me.  Anyone who pushes you, who tries to get you to push your boundaries.  Go out with me, Jane.  Come on."

Jane looked at him for a long time.

"No, Russell," she said.

"Yes!" he cried.

"No, Russell.  I'm sorry.  You like me, but I don't like you.  Not that way.  I'm sorry."

Russell looked at her with a mixture of frustration and lust, and then stomped away.

Jane blinked after him for a moment, not sure what to make of it, and then kept dressing.

Her friends were waiting for her near her mother's car.  Lisa and Tommy were whispering to each other, touching, stroking each other's face, sometimes kissing.  Jane gave them one look and nary a thought.  Let them mash their faces together if they wish.  Brandon and Meredith were also in each other's arms, but side by side, talking to Jane's mother.  Jeff loitered, occasionally commenting in on Stasya's, Sajel's and Derek's conversation.  Arie spoke with Christa and Zach, maybe about Trina, who of course wasn't here.  After Brandon's experience as a freshman, Dr. Zelvetti had decided not to make any announcements.  No one knew.  Maybe no one would.

"How are you," her mother asked.

Jane shrugged.  Her shirt, green, shifted around her shoulders in an odd way.  "Clothed," she said.

"Yes, I can see that," said Megan Myers.  "Your friends have come to keep me company.  I must admit, I had no idea you had this many."

Jane shrugged.  "Well, they mostly came with Brandon, but, they seem to like me anyway."

"They followed me home, Mom, can I keep 'em," Brandon said, grinning.

"How do you feel," her mother asked her.

Jane reflected for a moment.  "I feel...  Good," she said at last.  "I've learned some important things about myself, and, I guess, there isn't a lot else you can ask for from The Program."

"Good," said Megan Myers.  "Brandon, I know you've gone through The Program, but what about Meredith?"  Jane knew she already knew; she supposed her mom was asking just to be polite.

"I went too," Meredith said.  "In May, actually.  It was..."  She stepped a bit closer to Brandon.  "A bit stressful.  Not because of The Program itself, but, because of...  Other things.  I mean..."

Someone tugged her on the sleeve.  "Hey."  It was Jeff.

"Hi," she said, smiling.  "I wanted to thank you.  For...  For yesterday, I mean."

"Oh," he said.

"You really..."  She wasn't able to explain it: just how much her faith in people had been restored by the simple humanity in his actions that night.  Russell had broken her—made her believe that nothing, nothing, that was good could possibly come out of the coupling between a man and a woman...  And Jeff had saved her.  "You were kind to me," was all she said in the end.  "And I appreciate that."

He shrugged, a conversation in one sentence.  "What else was a guy to do?"

They stood facing each other for a moment, and she smiled at him.  He really was like Brandon in some ways—so knowledgeable, so polite, and yet so timid, as if anything might snap at him.

"Listen," Jeff said suddenly, "I was wondering..."

"Yes?" she said.

"If...  If you're not...  If you have some time...  Some day...  Would you..."  He was fidgeting, hesitating—toying with something on his backpack, looking at the ground.  "Would you like to, I dunno, go see a movie, or, or have dinner together, or..."

"Are you..." she began.

"I, I really like you," he said.  "You're brave, and caring, and...  I know you're careful about who you let come near you.  I...  I wanna be one of those people."

"Jeff..." she said.  "What I said this morning, about the time being right...  You realize I meant that."  At his silence, she continued: "What we did, last night...  That was a one-time thing.  If we ever do...  Have sex again...  It won't be for a long time.  Not until the time is right."

"I know," he said—a little too quickly, but he said it.  "I know.  That doesn't matter to me.  Jane, if I—  If all I wanted was to have sex with you, I'd say that.  —Or, actually, I wouldn't, because I know you'd say no.  That's not what I want.  I want...  More than that," he finished lamely.

"You want to be my boyfriend," she said.

"Yeah."

Russell Hebbert had asked her the same thing, not five minutes ago, and she had turned him down—and yet, here she was, looking at Jeff Gainesborough, at his glasses and goatee and hesitancy under her eyes, and thinking about saying yes.  I must be crazy, she thought.  But then, she knew she wasn't.  Russell wanted her to be someone she wasn't, someone daring, adventurous; someone she could be, she knew, but wouldn't be.  Whereas Jeff...  Wasn't asking any of that.  And she liked him, certainly.  Russell thinks he knows me.  So does Jeff.  But only one of them's right.

"Then, yes, Jeff," she said, smiling.  "I will go out with you."

He grinned, like a burst of energy, like tension and the weight of the world sliding from him in one quick shrug.  "That's...  That's great.  Thank you.  Great."

"And are you gonna wait four months before you kiss him," Brandon said over her shoulder, and she spun, mortified, realizing that he and Meredith and her mother might have been watching the entire thing.

But there was nowhere else to go but forward.  "No," she said, "no.  Of course not."

Brandon, smiling broadly, gestured to Jeff, whose eyebrows climbed into his hair.

"Well..." said Jane.  "Fine."  And she walked over to him and stumbled and hesitated because he was quite a lot taller than Brandon, and would it be okay for her to put her arms around him, and she hoped to God her breath wasn't going to smell, and what about his glasses, were they going to get in the way, and, oh, quick, off to the left before you bonk noses!—

And then his lips touched hers, and his arms circled her waist as if by instinct, and hers draped around his neck, and her breathing stopped and his glasses didn't poke her and for a moment she knew nothing at all.

When she could hear and see and think again, there was applause and Brandon was saying, "See, that wasn't so bad, was it," and Lisa was shouting, "Oh my God!"

Jane laughed.  "I guess I haven't changed that much, if I can still mortify my sister."

"Some things it's best to leave alone," Jeff said, smiling down at her, touching his forehead to hers.

Epilogue

The thing was, it was a graduation: someone had to sing the National Anthem.  So, of course, Brandon, Meredith, Christa and Derek got tapped, because they were the most well-known singers among the seniors (not to mention some of the best actual vocalists).  Which made Brandon feel very embarrassed, because he knew that everyone would be looking up at them and thinking, Well, they sing pretty well, but what kind of nerd gets up and sings at a high school graduation?

But then, what did he care?  He was graduating.

The process was interminable; they were all got up in robes of the most appalling eggplant purple with a sort of cornfield-yellow trim: the school colors, of course.  The flat-top hat razed his hair and was impossible to balance, what with the tassel; he remembered, from history class, that "flattop" was military slang for an aircraft carrier, and wondered just what, exactly, had inspired the cap.  He couldn't even be near Meredith, because her last name was Levine; she was somewhere behind him.  He did get to sit next to Arie, however—Chang came just after Chambers in the Mount Hill Graduating Class of This Year, and there was no one named Aaron to get in their way.

"Remember when we first got here," Brandon asked her.

"What, to school?" she asked.  "We didn't know each other when we were freshmen."

"No, I mean..." he said.  "When we first met.  The first day of The Program, last year."

"Yeah, when you got blackmailed into being my partner," Arie said, grinning.  "Why do you ask?"

"'cause, well..."  He shrugged.  "Here we are, again.  Last time we were sitting in the library, about fifty feet that way."  He pointed to the library in its subterranean vault, straight in front of them under the multipurpose room whose balcony now served as the stage.  "It's come back full circle.  We're about to set off on a new huge adventure, and, look who I'm sitting next to."

Arie laughed.  "What, you'd rather it be Meredith, I suppose."

"Well..." said Brandon.  "Not necessarily.  I love Meredith.  But I love my other friends, too.  And it's your fault I even have other friends."

"My fault!" she said.  "Look who's talking.  It's your fault I have friends at all.  You dragged me out of The Hole kicking and screaming."

"Yeah," he said, "and to do that, I had to leave my Hole too.  And you're the one who got me to do that."

Arie was silent for a moment.  "So, what's your point?"

"So, the point is..."  He shrugged.  "You changed my life.  I have a loving girlfriend and the best friends in the world.  My life isn't in the gutter anymore, and it's thanks to you.  I owe you a debt I can never repay.  And the fact that you owe me the same does not diminish that one bit.  So, thank you, Arie Chang.  For saving me."

She hugged him and kissed his cheek.  "Same back atcha, kid."

Then it was time to walk.

William and Phyllis Chambers were not there to watch their son receive the first diploma of his life; they had expressed little interest in attending the function, and seemed only eager to see him move away to college.  But there were plenty of other people there to see him cross.  Dr. Zelvetti, of course, giving him the diploma, proud and sad to see her favorite student leave.  Andrea and Roger Levine, standing off to one side with a video camera, Stasya Fyodorevna at their side.  Arie's parents, Melissa Jingwei Chang and Han Ruo Chang; Trina was here too, but in the orchestra section, occupied with her flute, somewhere into the fifth or tenth or ninety-thousandth repetition of Pomp and Circumstance.  Megan Myers, David Myers, Lisa Myers—he had known them well, once upon a time, and maybe he still did.  James and Elizabeth and Tommy Sternbacher, Marcia Crane, Dwight and Janice Strong, Jenny Strong Hughes and her husband Trevor, with the six-month-old Cassandra in a harness on her mother's chest; even Sajel's family, her parents and older brother and older sister, who had not three days ago graduated from college herself.  Everyone was here.

And when he took the diploma, unexpectedly, there was cheering, the sort of thing normally reserved for the people who meant something around the school—the student body presidents or the newspaper editors or the football champions.  It was scattered, a cry in the wilderness, and he realized it must mostly be the people who knew him personally, who had watched him come all this way.  And Dr. Zelvetti gave him his diploma and then a swift, fierce hug, and then there was the cameraman, telling him to flip his tassel over to the other side, come on, quickly now, there's three hundred people behind you, and then he dropped his diploma and had to dive for it; and in his graduation photo Brandon Chambers has a wide, foolish grin on his face, and tears in his eyes, at the miracle that there were people there to cheer him on at all.

Arie caught up with him at the bottom of the ramp.  "Stupid git wouldn't even look up," she said.  "Face-first into her sheet music.  Come on, she's done this graduation gig twice already, of course she's got it memorized."  She was smiling.

Eventually, the parade of students ("Adam Zwart!") had finally ended, and Dr. Z had given her final benediction, and the caps had been thrown in the air.  Three thousand people made a beeline for the baseball field, where the refreshments had been set up, but Brandon didn't move.  This had been Mr. Levine's idea: "They'll all go swarming, but we'll stay put, and it'll be a lot less crowded here."

Meredith ran up to him, beaming, legs flashing under the ridiculous purple robe, and they kissed.  On her finger was a slim gold band, the one he had given her over a year ago.  The sapphires flanking the diamond were the same color of her eyes, and he had picked them for that reason, though he had not been sure what her birthstone was (the jeweler had been incredulous).  Later, to his relief, he found out he'd gotten it right.  What he cared about most, though, was the fact that she loved it.

"Sheesh," Arie said, "I still can't believe you're wearing that.  I still can't believe Brandon got you that.  What was it, Brandon, like, ten thousand dollars?"

"No, not that bad," Brandon said.  By two or three thousand.  "Besides, it's my parents' money.  What do I care how much it costs them?"  Meredith shook her head in amused disapproval.

The rest of their friends and families were beginning to percolate over; Brandon saw Zach and Christa, side by side; they had never been particularly demonstrative, but he knew that one would last.  Megan Myers was admiring the baby Cassandra.  Lisa and Tommy kept a polite, frosty distance between them; they had lasted barely a month before exploding messily, and no amount of parental counsel could convince the two to reconcile in any way.  Sajel stopped to kiss Garrett good-bye before he and his parents went off for their own festivities.

Jane arrived first, with her father and sister not far behind.  "Where's Jeff," Brandon asked.  "I don't see him anywhere."

Jane's face fell.  "You won't.  He and I..."

"Uh-oh," said Arie.

"It just...  Wasn't working out," Jane finished.

"I'm sorry, Jane," Meredith said.

"Yeah," Jane said.  "So am I.  He's a good person.  But he's staying here while I go off to Schweitzer, and..."  She shrugged.  "You know."

"No wonder you never had sex with him," Brandon said.  "You kept saying 'when the time's right,' and...  There never was one."

Jane shrugged.  "Yeah.  I'm...  Kinda sorry I didn't, as, like, a good-bye present.  He was always really patient with me, and, there were a couple of times where we almost did, and then...  Decided not to.  And I know he was really hoping."  She rolled her eyes.  "You know how men are."

"Huh," said Arie, Brandon and Meredith at the same time.

"But...  Well, here we go," Jane said.  "College.  Dorms.  Different people.  There's other fish in the sea, right?  And we're all about to find new seas."

"Not that some of us need other fish," Arie said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah," said Zach boisterously, "got all the clamshell I need right here, uh-huh."  He wrapped an arm around Christa's shoulders and pulled her in.

"Clamshell?" Jane asked, confused.

"It has to do with certain parts of a woman's anatomy," Brandon said.

" 'Clamshell'??" Christa cried.

Meredith brought her hands out behind her back and shook them up and down in parallel.  She squinted at the space between them.  "It says, 'Zach is not going to get any tonight.' "

"My Magic 8-Ball!" Christa exclaimed.  "I've been looking all over for that!  Meredith, where did you find it?..."

"Brandon, I'm not sure if I understood this correctly," said Christa's father James.  "You and Meredith and Zach and Christa are all going off to Whitfield together?"

"That's it exactly," Brandon said.  "Zach and I are rooming together in the dorms, and Meredith and Christa.  We figured it'd be the most convenient that way."

"Convenient for some privacy, you mean," Sajel said, leering.

Brandon gave her an astonished look.  "What?  How's that a crime?  We're all eighteen here, even Meredith.  We're all being responsible.  And there isn't a single person here who hasn't had their fair share of sexual experience.  Except little Cassie.  And you, Saje."  He grinned at her.

Sajel turned coy.  "We-elll..."

"Oh really!" Zach whooped.

"Last night, actually," Sajel said, her face burning, shy for once in her life.  "I hadn't seen Garrett in almost a week, because of finals, and, well, one thing led to another, and..."

"Welcome to the club," Jane said, with a smile both amused and bemused.

"And he's coming over tonight...  And then he's leaving in August, going to Berkeley," Sajel said, "so...  I guess we just decided there wasn't much time for us."

"How was it?" Christa asked.

"Am I sure I want to hear about this?" David Myers asked, laughing.

"Oh, go on, clear out, Dad," said Jane, shooing them away with a smile.  "Leave the real adults to do the talking."

The parents left them then, hovering a few polite yards away, conversing amongst themselves.  Lisa, Tommy and Trina orbited with them, Trina with her boyfriend; she'd found a nice fellow, Jason Yu, from the orchestra, and according to Arie, the level of mushiness they could get up to was enough to melt the brains of any human and a number of animals besides.  What surprised her, she said, was that Trina had gone for an Asian-American, because it raised the odds tremendously that her parents would approve.  Maybe Trina was getting older.

Brandon found himself surrounded by his friends: Arie and Derek, Zach standing behind Christa with his arms around her, Sajel, Jane, and Meredith under his own arm.  Stasya was the only one not clad in the purple and yellow of the graduating senior.

Meredith hugged her.  "Oh, Stas.  I'm sorry I'm leaving you behind."

"Oh, come on," Stasya said.  "I'll be graduating before you know it.  And in the meanwhile I'll have Jeff and Gavin and Erica to keep me company.  And Greenfield is only like two hours away, you can come and visit."

"Still, I feel bad for you," Meredith said.  "We're all moving on, and you can't come with us."

"Well," Stasya said.  "All life is change.  Things happen.  Who knows.  Besides, it's not like you all are sticking together."

That much was true.  Arie and Derek were headed off to the University of Seattle; Brandon, Christa, Zach and Meredith to Greenfield; Sajel to Willot University; Jane to Schweitzer in Southern California.  But Brandon couldn't help but feel that they were moving as a group, emotionally if not physically.  Already he felt...  Freer.  More capable.  Unencumbered.  Ready to take on the world.  He remembered a line from a book somewhere: Everything starts over when the world turns crisp in the fall.

But a beginning means an ending, too—the end of that-which-was, so that that-which-is could begin.

Stasya absented herself quietly, and the eight of them were together, maybe for the last time.  "Well, gang...  This is it," Brandon said.

"It's been...  Quite a ride," Meredith said.

"And there's more to us too," Christa said.  "We're part of the generation that started The Program.  Once Stasya leaves, that era will be gone."

"I'm not," Sajel said.  "I was never in The Program."

"Nonsense," Zach said.  "You learned.  You grew.  You overcame yourself.  You became someone new.  That's what The Program is all about, Saje: growth.  Being naked forces you to take a good long look at yourself, but that's all it does.  You have to do the changing.  And you did."

"You didn't even have to get felt up to have it happen," Jane said.

"Yeah," Derek grinned, "her feeling-up was voluntary."

"Oh, that's it," Sajel said.  "Derek loses another thousand points."

"I for one am really glad I entered The Program," Christa said, veering them back on-topic.  "I have no idea where I'd be right now if I hadn't—actually, I do.  I'd be going home with Mom and Dad and Tommy, and I'd barely have any friends.  I'd be wondering where high school went, and why I wasted it.  I wouldn't be anywhere as happy as I am now."

"Yeah, no kidding," Zach said.  "I have a thousand good friends—well, maybe not that many, but they make up for it in heart.  I have a girlfriend I love with all my heart.  People laugh when I joke with them.  There's not a whole lot else you can ask for."

"Maybe this is the last time we'll all be here together," Brandon said.  "Maybe this is the last time it'll be like that.  I'm sure we'll all get together again some day—certainly over the summer, before everyone starts moving off in August and September, and then we'll probably be around for Christmas, and then...  But that's irrelevant.  Maybe it won't be like this.  Maybe it'll all have...  Changed."

Only the light breeze through the trees greeted his words.

"So let's remember," he said.  "Here, and now, while we still have each other.  Let's remember we have it, and be thankful we had it, and promise never to forget.  Not when we're fifty, not when we're a hundred.  We are friends.  And there's nothing in this world more important than that."

"Amen," Christa murmured.

Brandon wasn't sure who started it, but then they were hugging, all of them, a huge pile of purple and yellow robes and friends crying, and faces he knew he must never allow himself to forget, and Brandon knew he had been right.  This was, in some ways, their final good-bye.

And it was, as people went home—Zach to his family, Christa to hers; Lisa and Jane, laughing over some shared observation; Derek and Arie, their families melding seamlessly and clucking over the baby.  And Mr. and Mrs. Levine, taking Stasya with them to give Meredith and Brandon a moment alone.

She threaded her arms through his and laid her head on his chest.  "What's on your mind, my love?"

"What if...  What if this is as good as it gets?" he asked.  "What if it's all downhill from here?"

She looked up at him, amused.  "Brandon, you're seventeen years old.  We have so much more of life to live.  We're going to go to college, and take interesting classes for once, and do all of this again in four years.  And then we'll have careers, and you and I will get married, and we'll have children and grandchildren and die in old age with smiles on our faces.  You really think it's the end?"

"No," he said, but he couldn't shake the sudden, implacable feeling that there was no way left for them but down.

She sighed.  "Well...  Maybe you're right.  I know a lot of people say their years in high school were their best."  She laughed.  "I'm not sure what they were thinking.  But, if they were..."  She sighed.  "Well, it's just what you said.  If they really were...  Then we should just be happy that we had them at all."

He smiled at her.  "You're always right."

She grinned roguishly.  "You know it."

"Well, come on then," he said, feeling hopelessness leave him.  The sun was warm, and the breeze stirred the fresh green leaves.  He was Brandon Chambers, and he had his whole life ahead of him.  He stripped off the abominable purple robe and tossed it away, and then took her hand—her left hand, where the ring glistened.  "Your future awaits you, my love."

"Our future," Meredith corrected.  "All our futures."

They crossed the lawn to her parents hand in hand.