Biography: Jonathan Stanford

JONATHAN STANFORD

Jonathan Stanford, who prefers to be called Jon, is the elder brother in his family. His mother Regina and father Glenn met through a mutual friend when both were in their early thirties; within three years, Jon was born, with his sister Melinda coming two years later.

Jon never thought much of his early years, though as time passed he became increasingly aware that the world was not as he'd been led to believe. The songs he'd heard and the stories he'd read, particularly in church, suggested that love, kindness and compassion were the norm for human existence. Experience in real life suggested otherwise. Jon, like most romantics, became necessarily cynical in the face of harsh reality; Jon, like most romantics, nonetheless retained his capacity to dream.

Jon never really enjoyed school until he had gotten to college. Despite all his efforts to grow a thick skin, he was never able to until about halfway through high school; despite his best efforts to be like the other kids, he could never really fit in. He was too bookish, too bad at sports, too non-competitive. He lacked confidence in himself, a fact he would later trace back to his parents. The Stanfords were highly perfectionistic, and seemed to have forgotten that sometimes children need reassurance. Jon had his failures rubbed into his face again and again, and learned not to expect praise on the (seemingly rare) occasions when he did things right. Jon learned to be uncompromising in pursuit of the things he loved, but not to celebrate his successes. In the world of his parents, there was no such thing as "good enough." Furthermore, they were at times bullying and tyrannical; they had a very dim view of Jon's attempts to make his own decisions, since inevitably he chose against what they wanted him to choose. To claim that the Stanfords held to the view of "My way or the highway" would be completely inaccurate: Jon's mother did not believe that there was a "highway," could not conceive that anyone could possibly choose differently than what she would. Anyone attempting to do so was clearly deluded.

Regina Stanford had fallen prey to a phenomenon psychologists call "group think." As implied by its title, it normally requires more than one person, but the end result was the same: Jon's mother had gone so long without being exposed to other ways of thought that she had forgotten there were any. And while Jon's father had his own thoughts on the matter, he kept them to himself; that was what you did in the Stanford household, if you knew what was good for you.

Though Jon learned to armor his heart against the callousness of others, he also learned to rebel. Small things at first—refusing to do his homework before checking his e-mail, insisting that they let him do his homework his way. Small things, but it was training, and important training: in direct opposition to his parents, Jon learned how to say No, and mean it. This seemingly minor skill set the stage for the entire rest of his life.

By the time he had reached high school, Jon's life seemed to be a train wreck; his parents' negativity having infected him. The turning point was when he managed to find the gumption (in retrospect, he could never remember how) to ask a girl out. Her name was Karen Mitchell, and she changed his life. For one, his sense of confidence got an immediate boost. For two, it was Karen to whom he poured out his frustrations, his anger, his confusion. It was Karen who heard him say, for the first time in his life, that he didn't like how his life was going. It was Karen who, quietly, spoke to Melinda and found out that she was even worse off than Jon—deep in the thros of despair. And it was Karen who gave him the confidence to stand up to his parents and give them a piece of his mind.

The conversation was a meltdown moment for everyone in the Stanford family, and when the dust had settled, Jon had discovered something he'd begun to doubt was true: his mother actually did love her family. Despite her pride, despite her insistence that she was right and everyone else was wrong (her husband and son and daughter all at once), Regina Stanford was willing to at least explore the possibility that she had made a mistake. Though she was sure it would be a farce, she signed her family up for therapy and prepared to be vindicated.

Obviously, nothing of the sort happened. (She would be vindicated eventually, when Jon admitted that, though he disapproved of the way she'd taught him, he still valued what she'd taught. But that was to come later.) And, thereafter, Jon found himself the somewhat-unwitting hero of the situation. He had spoken out when no one dared to, and brought badly-needed change to his family. Of course, this came with its own set of uncomfortable responsibilities, as, first his father and then later his mother, both doubting their ability as parents, began to consult him for advice. Suddenly, Jon and Melinda were not children, inferior in position to the older generation and subject to their whim; suddenly, Jon and Melinda were equals.

Jon, for his part, went to school feeling himself a changed man. He had more faith now in his ability to change his life for the better, and was able to respond with equanimity when Karen left him. His life now seemed to hold different values and priorities to those of the students around him. Though he never met Arie Chang, the two would have had a great deal in common to talk about. A little stronger now, he made his way through high school and entered college, where his natural independence allowed him to flourish.

At college, Jon finally found himself. Thoug he attended Greenfield University, not far from his parents' home, he chose to live in the dorms (which his family were kind enough to let him do). While there, he made several friends amongst the Music Department, having been brought there by a friend who overheard him humming along to the radio. This friend was Brandon Chambers, and it turned out to be the most influential friendship Jon ever made. Through Brandon he met several other people: Brandon's girlfriend and wife-to-be Meredith Levine (they weren't officially engaged, but no one could doubt they'd marry one day), her best friend Christa Sternbacher and her boyfriend and husband-to-be Zachary Crane (same deal as the Chamberses)... And also a young woman of somewhat unusual garb and habit: a harpist (of all things!) with a wacky fashion sense. Her name was Caitlyn Delaney, and in later years Jon often wondered if he would have acted differently the first time he met her if he'd know he was going to end up marrying her.

Of course, it was not smooth sailing for them; at first he thought her a little too weird for his taste. Aspects of her personality, for instance, reminded him of Karen, who (for all the good she'd done him in the end) was simply too conservative for him, and completely unwilling (at times) to let him be a part of her life; she wore distance like armor. (Jon and Brandon never discussed a girl named Jane Myers, but if they had they would've found a great deal in common.) Why would he willingly subject himself to a similar personality if he didn't have to? And, once they did get together, there was still her dogged Christian conservativism to deal with, and her incredible shyness about physical intimacy; she had never been kissed (he was her first boyfriend, after all) and had no intention of simply giving away that momentous occasion to someone. Nonetheless, they found a great deal in common with each other once they finally began to speak.

It started out innocuously: the two of them trading storytelling ideas while sitting around in the Music Building. Gradually they began to chat on the Internet, a place of relative comfort for both of them. For nearly a year there was casual socializing. But one day, to Jon's surprise, Caitlyn decided to open up to him. It was, of all places, at Brandon and Meredith's wedding, where both of them had been asked to be part of the hand-picked ensemble providing music for the service. As the reception began to wind down, Caitlyn took Jon aside and began to speak. He recognized the story she told him, as it was almost identical to his own: the overcontrolling mother, the brother who was refusing to be trampled, the sister who found it less easy to engage in that kind of defiance. Caitlyn admitted that she was near the end of her rope, that she had considered taking refuge in her own mind, amongst the fictional characters who lived there and who treated her far more kindly than did any real person. She was, Jon realized, essentially planning to kill herself.

The day of the Chamberses' wedding was an auspicious one: three separate marriages started there. Obviously, Brandon and Meredith tied the knot, so that their unborn child would be born to a wedded family; and, the next morning, Zachary Crane proposed to his long-time girlfriend Christa Sternbacher. And that day, amidst the chaos of the reception and all the chaos and celebration it entailed, Jonathan Stanford met a woman named Caitlyn Delaney—met her true self, not just the face she kept to the outside world—for the first time; and, that day, began to love her. In later years, they would refer to that wedding, only somewhat facetiously, as their first date.

After Jon had listened, he told Caitlyn what Karen had told him: that she sounded deeply dissatisfied with her life and should try to change things about it. And what Caitlyn responded with was what he had said to Karen: that change would be impossible, and that her parents would never listen. Of the two, Caitlyn was more right; despite every gambit and ploy she and her new boyfriend could engineer, her parents refused to budge. Unlike Jon's mother, who had been willing to entertain doubt, the Delaneys clung to their certainty as though it were a liferaft. Jon interpreted this as a sign of weakness: it meant Caitlyn's parents were in denial, which meant that somewhere, beyond conscious thought, they knew they were in the wrong. As it turned out, he was correct; but that didn't make changing their minds any easier. Furthermore, once they found out that Caitlyn had Jon's assistance in her defiance, they began to distrust and resent anything to do with him. Eighteen months after their first date, Jon proposed to his beloved, with a cold war still raging between them and her parents—a war that did not end until some time after the wedding itself.

In the meanwhile, Jon and Caitlyn began to love each other. Where he had once had reservations over her similarity to Karen, he now had none. True, she was studious and rather conservative due to her faith; but he hadn't minded those things about Karen, only the way she preferred to shut him out of her life sometimes. Caitlyn did no such thing; Caitlyn welcomed his presence, his guidance, his support. She was not afraid to dream with him, to give him space in her life. In the end, there was not much of a difference between her and Karen; in the end, it was all the difference in the world. And in the end, when Caitlyn's mother gave her a deadly ultimatum—to either leave her parents, or to be separated from Jon forever—she made the decision he never dreamed she would. She went with him. Five hours later, they were married.

The exact details of what transpired during the first ninety days of Jon and Caitlyn's marriage are too convoluted to summarize here, but in later years, the two of them would fondly recall that, within three months, they had begun to speculate about what might happen if they were married; and that, within six months, they had begun to plan what would happen when they were married. That seems all that need be said here. Jonathan and Caitlyn Stanford have weathered adversity both together and apart, and intend to continue to weather adversity together. They have faced the storm and proven themselves equal to it. And through it all, Jon's greatest fear has never come true: she has never chosen her parents over him; she has, unlike so many others in his life, never abandoned him. For that alone, Jon would give her loyalty until the end of his days.

Jon, like Brandon, has some of my personality but none of my looks. Part of the problem was in visualizing him properly; this is part of why The Sims was such a godsend. But the following is about as close as one can get.

• Jon. (Ironically, this real person is actually named Jon.)