Mark Twain is one of the leading figures in American literary history. He is also responsible for one of the most famous corporal punishment scenes in all literature, namely, the thrashing Tom Sawyer took to protect his sweetheart, Becky Thatcher.

Surprisingly, Twain has been censored in some parts of America due to the realistic portrayal of slavery and racial discord in classic works such as The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. These efforts on the part of some people to deny, or even rewrite history are reprehensible, but fall outside the purview of this article. If the book-banning dimwits who censored these works understood the basic philosophy behind them, namely that "bad" people are often happier and more successful that those who strive to be "good," they would really go ballistic.

Mark Twain's Book for Bad Boys and Girls is the first ever compilation of Twain's wise and witty essays, sketches, and stories on the joys and rewards of misbehavior. This book was edited by R. Kent Rasmussen and published by Contemporary Books in 1995. (Hardcover - ISBN: 0-8092-3398-3)

Be good and you will be lonesome.

You want to be very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

I could lie before I could stand - yet this sort of sprightliness was so common in our family that little notice was taken of it.

I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race - never quite sane in the night.

Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.

Always acknowledge fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, then afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your better judgment.

You ought never to "sass" old people - unless they "sass" you first.

During three-fourths of my life I have held the practical joker in limitless contempt and detestation; I have despised him as I have despised no other criminal, and when I am delivering my opinion about him the reflection that I have been a practical joker myself seems to increase my bitterness rather than to modify it.

A sin takes on new and real terrors when there seems a chance that it is going to be found out.

habits.jpg An illustration of sin being found out. (24K - JPG)

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Be respectful of your superiors, if you have any.

You should never do anything wicked and then lay it on your brother, when it is just as convenient to lay it on some other boy.

You ought never to take anything that don't belong to you - if you can not carry it off.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

Providence always makes it a point to find out what you are after, so as to see that you don't get it.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

All good things arrive unto them that wait - and don't die in the meantime.

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed.

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday.

Each person is born with one possession which outvalues all his others - his last breath.

We can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Be pure, honest, sober, industrious, considerate, and you will never --

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.

Here come those young savages again - those noisy and inevitable children. God be with them! - or them with him, rather, if it be not asking too much... They have driven me from labor many and many a time; but behold! the hour of retribution is at hand...

In the matter of measles, the idea is, to bring it out - bring it to the surface. Take the child and fill it up with saffron tea. Add something to make the patient sleep - say a tablespoon of arsenic. Don't rock it - it will sleep anyhow.

When it comes to fits, take no chances on fits. If the child has them bad, soak it in a barrel of rain-water overnight, or a good article of vinegar. If this does not put an end to its troubles, soak it a week. You can't soak a child too much when it has fits.

We think boys are rude, unsensitive animals but it is not so in all cases. Each boy has one or two sensitive spots and if you can find out where they are located you have only to touch them and you can scorch him as with fire.

defyauth.jpg An illustration of the preceding principle. (26K - JPG)