(Author Note: This is the first story in a series.)
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We now bring you an EXtreme Sports Network special report:

"Good evening everyone, this is Rob Lostus, reporting from Beijing. With the of games of the XXIX Olympiad winding down sports fanatics everywhere will be turning back to their usual obsessions such as football, tennis, auto racing, and baseball. A few diehards are still looking forward to those 'alternate Olympics' which take place every four years after the mainsteam Olympic games. These alternate games include the well known Paralympics and the lesser known SpankOlympics.

"The games of the VI SpankOlympiad will be held in September 2008, with the event motto being 'Six is the best'. EXSN will be bringing you unprecedented live and taped coverage of these games, which are considerably smaller in size and scope than the traditional Olympic games. For those viewers who are new to spanking sports, the following is a brief summary of the events.

"SpankOlympic events fall into three main categories: Submission, Endurance, and Artistic. The first two categories are really self-explanatory. In submission events, two competitors take turns whacking each other until one of the contestants submits or is disqualified. Endurance events pit athletic bottoms against one another, all being whacked by spanking machines. The winner of each endurance heat is the bottom who can take the most whacks before quitting or being disqualified. The most well known of the new artistic events is Figure Caning, where competitors attempt to make artistic patterns with cane stripes on the backsides of convicted criminals.

"SpankOlympians compete for Red, Black and Blue medals instead of the more traditional Gold, Silver and Bronze medals. Red Medals are awarded to SpankOlympic champions, and are considered the highest award available in all of spanking sports. Black Medals are awarded for second place, and Blue Medals for third place.

"Professional spanking sports have long employed various forms of so-called "spanky-pants" to shield the pubic region of male or females who are receiving punishment, while giving full, unhindered access to the buttocks. This is necessary to allow such sports to thrive in countries with moderately puritanical social mores.

"The founders of the modern SpankOlympic games were having none of this, however, and decreed that all competitors (at the least ones being spanked), should be naked at all times, in line with the ancient Greek Olympic custom. Of course even the most socially free-thinking people on the planet are subject to the effects of economics (no matter how much they might wish it were not so).

"Commercial sponsors of the various national SpankOlympic teams decried the absense of uniforms on which to place their logos. Various ways around this were tried, with the final straw being broken at the games of the III SpankOlympiad when the entire Guatemalan team had their sponsor's logos tattooed on their bodies.

"The International SpankOlympic Committee was eventually forced to change the rules starting with the games of the IV SpankOlympiad. Sponsor tattoos are forbidden, but competitors are allowed to wear shirts when competing. These shirts are shorter than normal, and must stop above the belly-button of the wearer. In addition to bearing national team colors and identification, the shirts have places where sponsor logos may be attached.

"So be sure to tune into EXSN next week, your home for the SpankOlympics."

Day 1: Opening Ceremony

"Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first night of SpankOlympics coverage here on EXSN. This is Rob Lostus speaking to you from the EXSN Broadcast Center here in Beijing. Yeah, EXSN Broadcast Center my dimpled ass - like we're not renting this dump from NBC, or was it the BBC? Doesn't really matter, one of those loser old-format media companies, at any rate. The important thing right now is to get my stupid teleprompter fixed so that I can stop ad-libbing, even though I'm an experienced professional broadcaster completely used to doing that and you dummies at home could never tell the difference anyway......

"Right, hey! It's fixed! Cool, and it looks like our first guest tonight is Jock Roggers, the President of the International SpankOlympic Committee. Welcome, Jock, to EXSN."

"Thank you, Todd, I'm very pleased to be here!"

"Ahh, the name is Rob, actually. Rob Lostus."

"Exactly, Tobb Loftus... damn glad to meet you."

"Okay... moving right along. Jock, I understand that we have a fabulous opening ceremony planned for tonight."

"Absolutely, Tobb, the Chinese have really come through for us. The program is being directed by Pu Shu, the head music teacher from Hedong Middle School in Tianjin."

"That's really fascinating, Jock."

"No it isn't, Tobb, the guy's a total loser. But what are we gonna do? We always get sandwiched in between those big pricks from the IOC and the feebs from the Paralytics."

"You mean the Paralympics?"

"Whatever, Tobb. I don't have time for those kind of details. Suffice it to say that we never get the same consideration as those 'other' Olympics. Meanwhile, I gotta get outta here."

"Okay, thanks for stopping by, Jock. I'm sure Jock has an important crack whore - I mean meeting - to get back to. Anyway, this looks like it's gonna be a really crappy opening ceremony. Lucky for all you viewers, we only have about ten minutes more air time to cover the whole thing. Oh, and it's pre-recorded. This is not live, in fact it's not even Memorex. It's sitting on a hard drive on some computer server until it gets sent to all our EXSN affiliates worldwide.

"Anyway, the idiotic teleprompter is back again... so let's see.... make it go a little slower... that's better. Okay! So first up in this fabulous SpankOlympics opening ceremony is the Hedong Middle School Marching Band with their rendition of "Bad Boys Get Spanked" by The Pretenders. Aren't they cute? Cause they sure as hell aren't talented.

"Next we have the birthday spankings. As I'm sure most of you are aware, it's considered good luck for people whose birthday falls on the date of the SpankOlympics opening ceremony to get their birthday spanking during the actual ceremony itself. This presented a bit of a logistics problem here in Beijing. With a population of about 16 million, nearly 44,000 Beijing area residents alone are celebrating their birthdays today.

"So they ended up picking about 4,400 people of all ages - from 5 to 105 - to get their birthday spankings here in the Rat's Nest Stadium. What? Yeah, I know that's not the official name - what? A guy can't express his own opinion? Well, I can't read the teleprompter! The letters are too small and they're moving too fast again.

"Okay, that's better. Right....next is the March of the Wooden Soldiers... no, wait! I hate that one! Okay, it really says, the march of the SpankOlympic national teams into the stadium. Yeah, that sounds more plausible. Unfortunately the march normally takes more than 2 hours, and we only 5 minutes of air time left, so we're gonna play the tape at 25 times speed. Look at 'em! Running around like a bunch of brightly colored ants on the screen. Really cool! Like.... the colors, man!

"Okay, thank Kabballah that's over with at last. So now we get to the final event of any SpankOlympic opening ceremony, the lighting of the giant, flaming ass. As you know, this ass will keep burning for the entire two weeks of the SpankOlympics. Sheesh! Did I ever mention that I hate puns?

"Okay, well thankfully it looks like it's finally time to put an end to this pathetic hoedown. Tune in to EXSN again tomorrow when we will actually start showing you some SpankOlympic events. It will have to be better than the crap we showed you tonight."

You can contact the author at: mrbwatson (at) gmail.com