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"CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (television parody)
10, 10, 10
* "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Dan Rather had initially been miffed at having Connie Chung assigned as his co-anchor; but of late he has begun to enjoy the visual pleasantries of having a hot chick to look at during breaks in the evening news. Imagine his surprise when Connie confides in him that she and Maury are having trouble getting pregnant. Imagine his further surprise when she asks Dan to be the sperm donor - right there on her couch! This is a hot an sexy story. I'll have to switch from NBC to CBS for my evening news. The Bad News is that Max Wojtylak recently announced that he is almost out of these parodies. As you may know, Max himself did not write these stories; his Uncle Mike did, and Max simply found the stories when he was cleaning up the hard drive or something like that. My advice to Max is to get Norton Utilities and run the Unerase program; maybe there are another ten or so stories buried there. If that doesn't work, try a seance. I really like these stories; and oddly enough, Uncle Mike seems to write better the longer he's been dead. Imagine that! Ratings for "CBS Evening News" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 CELESSTIAL VOCABULARY DEVELOPMENT: LITERALLY. The word "literally" does not mean "emphatically." Nor does it mean "figuratively"; in fact it means the opposite of figuratively. It means "according to the exact meaning of the word(s)." Therefore, don't use the word unless you want people to accept as true exactly what you are saying. My sister is literally a whore. {This means she really does compensation for engaging in sexual activities.} She literally wore me out with her sexual antics. {This is plausible. This means the speaker was truly exhausted after the activity.} He literally fucked my brains out. {This is improbable, unless gray matter appeared externally during the fuckation.} She literally fucked him to death. {This is possible, but only if sexual activity led to the gentleman's demise.} Her breasts were literally the size of basketballs. {This can be empirically verified by checking with Spaulding.} She literally ate me out. {This might actually be a clever thing to say if she bedecked his cock with chocolate syrup or other comestibles prior to oral stimulation.} That guy is literally one big motherfucker. {This is true only if he actually does indulge with his mama. Otherwise, say "certainly." "Fuck you!" she said. "I hope you mean that literally," he replied. I know of one sportscaster who uses the word literally thousands of times a year, and almost always incorrectly. The word "literally" was used incorrectly in the preceding sentence. Unless he really uses the word incorrectly at least a couple of thousand times a year, I should have said "he seems to use the word incorrectly thousands of times a year" - or I could have simply settled for some other expression, such as "very often" or "almost as often as the pope shits in the woods." -- |