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"Until Dawn" by Kelly (romantic D/s) 8, 9, 9
"Until Dawn" By Kelly Merriwether (kelly5323@mailexcite.com). Guest review by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com). This review is broken up into two parts. One part is for you, the constant reader. The other part is for the author (who requested some detail) or anyone who really wants to know what works and what does not in an erotica story, at least in my humble opinion. To those who wish to grumble about the blind leading the blind or the blind leading the sighted, I'm sure the author would be more than thrilled if you read the story and sent her your own criticisms (or lack thereof). General Review: This story is about a man who receives a very, very nice birthday present in the form of Kelly who promises to be his slave "Until Dawn." Kelly may have any relationship the reader wants (wife, girlfriend, other) since it is never mentioned. What follows is a very detailed and graphic encounter including several varied positions and toys. The sex here is entirely consensual though since Kelly is new to the submissive role she stumbles (charmingly so in my opinion) on a few occasions. In short, a brief introduction followed by page after page of sex. This should make most people very happy. Those who like to step into the dominance/submission game and come running out giggling like fools will probably idolize this story. It also works as an introductory to the genre as well. There really aren't many "serious" D/S cherry busting stories out there and this one makes a fairly good stab at introducing the appeals. Detailed Review: There are several things that worked in this story. First, Kelly was left relationship free, even age and physique free so the reader is free to fill in the blanks (My Kelly remarkably resembled Darma from "Darma and Greg" your results may vary) . Another very good point was the premise, giving one's self as a present has been done before of course but this fell within the tastefully handled category. The most important good point however was Kelly who, unused to being a submissive, stumbles a bit in her role. I personally very much enjoyed the fumbling. There are a few technical problems with this story. The first problem, is a lack of transitions. Transitions are words that smooth the reading from sentence to sentence. Without Transitions you tend to get a story that reads like a government approved manual (He did this, he did that, he went up, he went down, she rolled her eyes in dismay). With transitions the reading is more varied and I've been taught that is a good thing (He did this, then he did that, blissfully he went down, however he did not enjoy going up as much, especially when she rolled her eyes in dismay). Second, this story is written in what is called third person omniscient. That is the narrator (invisible) tries to explore the feelings of both the man and the woman: He felt incredibly good as he plunged his swollen cock down her throat. But Kelly was in a panic as she found herself unable to breath. There is rarely such a balanced approach as the story (or the reader) seeks a natural focus. This story tends to focus on the man while at times confuses the reader by changing the focus to the woman and then back to the man again. It actually would have made more sense to follow the woman more closely than the man. While it's true the man was the beneficiary of an unusual gift, it was the woman who was by far the more interesting as she struggled in an unusual role for her, it was also the woman who CHANGED. In my opinion this story would have been even better if the author had chosen to write in first person from the woman's point of view: I stepped up to him and said, "I'm yours until dawn." These are, however, nit-picks and placed in this review for the authors benefit. In actuality I did enjoy this story though it was a bit outside of my preferred "sex between equals" domain. It's my belief that this author does show great promise, and I do recommend you read this story if only to anticipate that which is to cum - er come. Ratings for "Until Dawn" Athena (technical quality): 8-- Needs transitions otherwise very nice. Venus (plot & character): 9 -- Good idea, point off for the forced male perspective. Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 8 - An enjoyable story. |