“Yeah, I know. I was planning to have breakfast with Trish tomorrow though.”
“Yeah? Any special reason?”
“Well, my reasoning is, get in good with Trish, maybe I’ll have a shot at Lisa…”
“Heh – good luck. Lisa’s a cutie.”
“Yep. She is.”
“So … I learned a new game tonight.”
“What sort of game? Video game?”
“Nah, just a game. It’s called Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.”
“Huh?”
“It’s like … give me two actors.”
“Actors?”
“Yeah – just name two actors.”
“Uh … Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.”
“Nah, too easy – they’ve been in a movie together. The idea is that I have to connect them through movies.”
“Well – should be easy then.”
“But the point is to make it hard! Give me another two – but unrelated.”
“Uh, what the fuck. Jim Carrey and … Charlton Heston.”
“Okay … good. Let’s see now…”
“…You still thinking or have you gone to sleep?”
“I’m thinking! Give me a minute.”
“Okay… Waiting patiently…”
“All right. Jim Carrey was in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, okay? With Kate Winslet.”
“If you say so.”
“Kate Winslet was in Titanic with Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton was in Tombstone with Charlton Heston.”
“I don’t know Bill Paxton.”
“Oh come on! You must know Bill Paxton! Aliens! ‘Game over, man, game over!’”
“Oh, okay. That guy. So why’s the game called Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? You didn’t use Kevin Bacon and you did it in less than six steps.”
“Doesn’t matter! That’s just the name of the game.”
“Okay, well let me have a go.”
“All right. See if you can connect … John Wayne and Alyssa Milano.”
“Jesus, Matt, has she even been in any movies?”
“Of course she has! Poison Ivy 2, Commando, Below Utopia … and the most erotic movie of all time, Embrace of the Vampire…”
“I haven’t seen any of those. Give me someone else.”
“Fine! John Wayne and Uma Thurman, then.”
“Now you’re talking. Let me think…”
“Guys! You’ve got to come and see this!”
“What?”
“Hey Todd. I thought you’d left already.”
“No man, I was having a joint out back. But then I went to the toilet, and … well, I won’t describe it for you – you just have to come and see for yourself! Come on!”
“Jeez, what’s got him all excited?”
“Dunno, but he has way too much energy for this late at night.”
“Well I suppose we’d better go and see what all the fuss is about.”
“After you.”
“Why thank you kind sir.”
“Come on guys – up here!”
“We’re coming!”
“Sheesh Todd, what’s the big deal?”
“In there – look!”
“Ugh, what’s that sm… oh my God!”
“What the fuck … who is that?”
“It’s Amber – Jess’s friend.”
“Shit, dude, hadn’t we better call an ambulance or something?”
“Oh my God! She’s not … dead, is she?”
“No she’s not dead! Fuck! What do you take me for? No, she’s just sleeping it off.”
“In a pool of her own vomit. That’s not healthy, dude!”
“Jeez, she must have been in a bad way if she missed the toilet from like six inches away!”
“And check out her panties! Have you ever seen so much shit?”
“I’m trying not to look!”
“Oh don’t be such a wuss, Matt.”
“Eww, Chris, what are you doing?”
“Just getting a closer look. Sheesh – she must’ve really emptied herself out! And this is some pretty solid stuff – it can’t possibly have just slipped out accidentally.”
“Eww! I don’t want to speculate on how it happened!”
“But can you imagine? She must have come up here, totally wasted, pulled up her skirt…”
“What there is of it…”
“Tried to sit down, missed…”
“She wouldn’t be in that position if she’d done that. She must’ve tried to throw up in the toilet first, but slipped off the side or something.”
“Does it matter?”
“And then I guess she just … well, needed to ‘go’…”
“And squeezed out a few juicy fat logs…”
“Ugh, seriously you two, stop! The point is, what should we do?”
“Jeez, Matt, I don’t know – just let her sleep it off?”
“In a pool of her own vomit? That’s pretty harsh, dude. We should help her!”
“How? Don’t even think of putting her to bed here. Stan would totally freak.”
“Well where’s Jess?”
“She left with Ross.”
“And left Amber here? Nice friend…”
“Yeah, really. But maybe they came in Amber’s car.”
“You think so? Would Amber have got this drunk if so?”
“Who the fuck knows? Obviously Amber’s judgment was somewhat impaired…”
“Well I can take her back to Jess’s dorm, if that’s where she lives.”
“Probably. You wouldn’t mind, Chris? Are you okay to drive?”
“Yeah, I’ve been going easy on the drink. Plus, it’s not far.”
“Well be my guest then. But don’t expect me to help – I’m not touching her.”
“Great, Todd, gee thanks.”
“Hey, she’s not my problem.”
“It’s okay Matt, you and I can manage her – she’s not exactly an elephant.”
“Shits like one though.”
“Nice, dude… Okay Chris, I’ll grab her feet if you grab her arms.”
“You tard – just how is that going to work? We’ll lift her up by her arms, get our heads under her armpits, and then walk with her between us.”
“Oh okay … but we’ll have to clean her up a bit first.”
“Agreed. Grab some toilet paper.”
“Ugh, she’s got vomit all down her arm.”
“Just wipe off what you can. I’ll do her face.”
“Well I’m going to leave you to it. Goodnight, both of you.”
“Night Todd.”
“See you tomorrow, Todd.”
“Ugh, this is nasty. What are we going to do about all the shit? I refuse to clean her ass.”
“Hopefully it’ll stay in her panties. Don’t worry – I’ve no desire to clean her ass either.”
“All right then. Well, I guess that’s good enough. Let’s get her up.”
“Okay. On the count of three. One … two … three!”
“Sheesh, she’s heavier than she looks!”
“Is that her purse? Better grab it. Come on … Amber? You awake, honey? Can you walk at all?”
“Mmmfmm…”
“I’ll take that as a no…”
“Careful on the stairs…”
“Yup … slowly Matt!”
“Jeez – even her feet bumping down the stairs isn’t waking her! Just how much do you think she had?”
“No idea. She probably ought to go to the hospital … get her stomach pumped…”
“Yeah … want to drive her there?”
“Not really. I guess I’ll just stay with her a while and make sure she’s okay, once we get her back to her dorm.”
“Uh-huh … you’re not planning on taking advantage of her, are you?”
“Dude! Seriously!”
“All right all right, I was just kidding.”
“Okay, can you get the door?”
“Yup … hang on. Okay…”
“Whew, temperature’s really dropped out here!”
“Where’s your car?”
“Over there, next to the tree. Ack, keys keys keys… Aha!”
“So where do you want her? Passenger seat?”
“Fuck no – in the back. We’ll put her on her side so she doesn’t mess up the seat.”
“Good idea. Here, I’ve got it.”
“Thanks. Okay Amber, in you go. Careful Matt! Watch the seat!”
“Okay … it’s hard! She’s heavy!”
“Matt I swear if I didn’t know you were on the football team, I’d seriously wonder about you…”
“Knock it off – I’m stronger than you.”
“I should hope so! Okay, just lay her head down…”
“So how are you going to get her out at the dorm?”
“Well I kind of hoped you’d follow me in your car…”
“I can’t drive! I’ve had way too much to drink!”
“Shit – well what were you planning to do? Stay the night at Stan’s?”
“Yes!”
“Oh. Well I suppose I’ll just have to manage.”
“Good luck!”
“Thanks. Night Matt.”
“Night Chris.”
“Well, looks like it’s just you and me, Amber. You just lie still back there, while I … come on, you rustbucket… Okay, off we go. You okay back there, Amber? God, I hope you don’t throw up in your sleep and choke… For that matter, I hope you don’t throw up at all. Don’t worry, we’ll soon be at your dorm…
“All right, here we are. Jeez, place is totally silent. God knows how I’m going to get you out of there, but let’s have a go… Oof! Come on … that’s it… God I hope none of that shit is getting on my seats… Out you come … there! Whew! Man, just let me get my breath back…
“Amber, come on, wake up honey. I need you to walk a bit… Fuck! I swear Amber, if a bomb hit this place, you’d sleep right through it… Jeez, Matt’s right, you are heavy! Fuck!”
“Hey there, need a hand?”
“Oh hi! Yes please! Got to get this one to bed. She’s had way too much to drink.”
“Is that Amber?”
“Yup – you know her?”
“Sure! Well, a little. She’s not exactly a friend. But I’ll help you get her up to her room.”
“That’d be awesome – thank you. Yeah if you just get on her other side… Wait, can you grab her purse from the back seat first?”
“Got it. Ugh, did she shit herself? She stinks!”
“Yeah, we found her lying in her vomit with her panties full of shit – it was pretty gross.”
“Damn! Are you sure she’ll be okay? Shouldn’t she go to a hospital or something?”
“She’s just asleep – but I am a little worried about her choking in her sleep. I was thinking I might stay with her overnight.”
“Are you a friend of hers?”
“No – I barely know her. But I’ve kind of assumed responsibility for her, and I’d feel bad if anything happened. I’d be happy to hand over to one of her friends if we can find one.”
“They’re probably all in bed, but we can try. Oh good, the lift’s still down here. Damn, she really stinks, doesn’t she?”
“Yup. What floor?”
“Three.”
“Okay.”
“So do you go to school here too?”
“Yeah. Sophomore. I rent an apartment with a couple of friends.”
“Cool. I’m thinking of renting too, next year. Is your place close?”
“Three miles or so.”
“Okay, just along here. Room number 314 I think. Can you see if you can find her keys in her purse?”
“Hang on. Yup, got them. Let’s see … that’s not right… Aha … what do you know, this one fits.”
“Awesome. Well I don’t see anyone else up – do you think you can take care of her from here?”
“Sure – I’ll just put her to bed and keep an eye on her until she wakes up.”
“That could be a while! Will you manage to stay awake?”
“Yeah, I’ll be all right. It wouldn’t be my first all-nighter.”
“Okay – well good night!”
“Night. Right then, honey, let’s get you into bed. Almost there … I’ll just pull back the sheets for you… And we’ll just lay you down on your side here … easy does it… There! Comfy? What’s that – you feel uncomfortable in all those clothes? Well that’s easily remedied – let’s get you out of that top…
“Arms up … there’s a good girl. And off it comes. And your bra too? Well, if you insist… I’ll just unhook it back here … and off it comes. My, what pretty breasts you have! I’m sure they feel just lovely … what’s that? Would I like to have a feel? Well that’s very generous of you, Amber, I must say … but yes, I’d love to. Mmmm, they’re so soft and warm… Just delightful. And your nipples – so small and perfect. I’d just love to kiss them…
“You would? Really? Well I don’t know what to say – thank you! I’d love to! Let me just bend over you. Mmmm, hmmmf, mmph, ooh, they’re getting hard! Wow, Amber, I love sucking on your nipples. Let me just suck on this one again while I play with the other… Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm…
“Now let’s get you out of that skirt. Oh, and your shoes of course. Shoes first – there we go. Your skirt will be a little trickier… Ah but it unzips quite far – that’s helpful. I’ll just tug it down over those shit-filled panties of yours – I think I’ll leave those on if you don’t mind. And here it comes … and off. There! That’s better, isn’t it? What’s that? You’d like to be on your back? Oh but Amber, you’ll squash all that shit and get it everywhere… Well okay, but I’ll have to lift your knees up and spread your legs so that the shit stays in your panties… Okay, I’ll do that then.
“Over you go… And wow, just look at all that shit in your panties. What’s that – you like how it feels? Hmm, you little pervert! You want me to do what?? Rub it all over your pussy? Oh my God, Amber, that’s disgusting! But all right – if you really want me to. I’ll just squeeze the back of your panties so that it smushes up over your pussy … eww! It’s really squishy, isn’t it! Yuck, and the smell! That’s truly foul… How does it feel, Amber? How does it feel on your pretty little pussy? Can you feel it squishing around everywhere?”
“Mm…ff…”
“Shit!”
“Shhh…Simon, you’ll wake the baby…”
“Huh?”
“Pfff…”
“Amber, are you awake? Amber? … Jesus Amber, were you talking in your sleep? Fuck me, you gave me a scare. What’s that about a baby? Do you have a secret baby stashed somewhere?
“Well, I guess you’re done talking. Okay, well I’ll just lay you on your side again, with your head at the very edge there … good. Now, if you throw up, hopefully you won’t end up lying in it…
“Okay Amber, well sleep tight. I’ll just sit over here. You got anything good to read? Hmm … Angels and Demons. That’ll do I suppose. Don’t worry Amber, I’ll be right here – if you start choking or anything, I’ll sort you out.
“Jesus I’m tired. Mustn’t go to sleep though. Let’s see now. Prologue. Sounds like a good place to start…”
************************************
“Oh, my head!”
“Nkuh … I’m not asleep!”
“What? Who’s that?”
“Shit, what’s the time? Eight forty-five! Damn! Are you okay Amber?”
“What’s that smell? Oh my god – it’s me! Fuck! I’ve fucking shit myself!”
“Yeah, you did that at the party.”
“Oh my fucking GOD! Did you bring me back here?”
“Yeah – and let me tell you, it wasn’t easy with you being totally unconscious!”
“Ugh, this is disgusting! I need to clean up! Can you leave, please?”
“Oh – sure. I only stayed to make sure you didn’t throw up in your sleep.”
“Oh – well thanks. That was nice of you. You’re Christine, right?”
“Yeah. Well, I prefer just Chris. Sorry you got such a rude awakening, Amber – I hope you feel better soon.”
“Oh my God, it’s got everywhere!! All up my… Ugh! Okay Chris, well thanks again – I guess I’ll see you around.”