I was just forwarded an email by one of my fans. Quite entertaining! See below...
Hey Arthur. I thought you might be amused / interested by this memo that was just sent out to everyone at our company.
Two Announcements
Please note that there will be a test of the fire alarm on Wednesday morning at 10:00. You may ignore the alarm, which will ring for just ten seconds. In the unlikely event that a real fire occurs at that time, the alarm will continue and you should follow the standard evacuation protocol.
Secondly, owing to ongoing plumbing problems, the women’s restroom is, as of this morning, closed indefinitely. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Obviously our female employees cannot be expected to “hold it in” all day while at work, so an alternative setup has been devised. This will apply to all women at the company, regardless of rank, and will work as follows.
A plastic garbage can has been designated as the official urine collection vessel. Regrettably this cannot be located in the women’s restroom, where the temptation to use a regular toilet might be too great, plumbing issues notwithstanding. Instead, the urine can will be located in the center of the building, at the cross-section of the two main aisles. This well-trafficked spot will be convenient for all.
Since the garbage can is much too tall to squat over, a wooden chair with the seat removed has been mounted over it. The chair is attached to a wooden frame and reached by means of a stepladder. For comfort, the chair is tilted back at a forty-five degree angle, to ensure that less weight is carried by the narrow frame of the seat, and for safety reasons, Velcro straps will keep the user’s legs and arms pinned to the chair. We don’t want any nasty falls from that kind of height!
Needless to say, each woman using this makeshift toilet cannot strap herself in completely unaided. Carl Rosenberg and Scott Ulver, who occupy the cubes nearest to the toilet, have generously offered to assist with the strapping-in. They will also remain with the toilet user in order to catch any falling poop.
The garbage can is for pee only; we do not have the means to dispose of solid waste. Any poop produced while strapped into the toilet chair must be caught in the toilet user’s own panties (for reasons I will explain shortly) by Carl or Scott. Each woman using the toilet must therefore take off her panties and hand them to Carl or Scott before ascending the stepladder.
Shoes must also be removed, lest they accidentally fall into the urine below. Skirts and dresses are likely to get in the way and may potentially intercept falling pee or poop, and so must be removed as well before the ascent. I realize that this unfairly penalizes women in dresses more than women in tops and skirts, or tops and pants, and that is unacceptably discriminatory. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to ensure that no woman is exposed more than any other is to mandate the complete removal of clothing while using the toilet chair. I would permit the retention of a bra, but we have at least one female employee (who shall remain nameless) who sometimes wears tops with built-in breast support and no actual bra beneath, and I cannot allow her to be more exposed than every other woman.
Naked, then, each woman must ascend the stepladder, and get strapped to the chair by Carl or Scott. Please note that the leg straps, as well as the arm straps, are attached to the armrests of the chair, since the legs taper and have no feet, so the straps tend to slide off them. This means that the toilet user will have to stick her legs through the gap between the seat frame and the armrest as she sits down. This tends to spread the thighs apart to an uncomfortable degree, but it’s all in the very important cause of safety.
The reason for using the toilet user’s own panties to catch any poop, rather than a plastic bag or other container, is that it will hopefully oblige the toilet user to take the poop home and dispose of it in her own toilet, rather than using up company resources. This being said, if a woman does poop into her panties while they are being held by Carl or Scott, she must put them back on once she has descended from the chair. This will make sitting down at her desk a messy business, which is why all of our female employees will have noticed this morning that their chairs have been fitted with plastic seat covers.
In view of the mess that sitting down in messy panties is likely to make of the rest of her clothing, an employee who poops would be sensible not to put any clothing items back on to her bottom half. This would include skirts, pants, dresses, and even shoes. This could mean, of course, that a woman wishing to spare her dress might spend the rest of the day in her underwear, while a woman with no regard for the cleanliness of her clothes gets to remain entirely modest. Since this unfairly penalizes the more virtuous of the two, I am making it a rule that a woman with poop in her panties must not put back on any bottom-half clothing. This will be enforced by Carl and Scott, who will confiscate the bottom-half clothing items of any woman who poops.
We do, of course, run a risk here of stigmatizing women with weaker bowel control. I do not wish to see a handful of our female employees constantly in bras and poopy panties while the rest remain fully-dressed and poop-free. Therefore it is now forbidden for female employees to poop at home; all pooping must be done here at work. This will level the playing field.
Enforcement of this rule is clearly problematic. With the help of cooperative husbands, boyfriends, parents and neighbors, we are today installing webcams in the home bathrooms of all female employees. The setup includes shower- and bath-cams to prevent misuse of bath or shower plug holes. But we cannot, of course, prevent a woman from using a public restroom.
To discourage the use of public restrooms, each female employee will be required to poop each day here at work. Carl and Scott will keep a log of who has pooped and who has not. Failure to produce any poop on a given day will result in the loss of a day’s pay. I realize that some of you may not normally poop every day, and for others, constipation may be an issue. For this reason, each female employee will be given a powerful laxative, administered anally by Carl or Scott on the employee’s first visit to the toilet chair. This should produce swift results.
In addition, every female employee will find an ultra-high fiber cereal bar on her desk each morning; consumption of this bar is mandatory. It is especially high in bulking fiber, which absorbs water and creates large stools that move swiftly and easily through the intestine. All female employees should drink plenty of fluids throughout the day in order to compensate.
Weekends are clearly an issue here; women cannot be expected to hold in their poop from Friday afternoon until Monday morning, particularly under the influence of high fiber and laxatives. Accidents at home on weekday evenings are entirely possible too. Therefore, in order to discourage home pooping as much as possible, female employees pooping at home must do so in their panties, and come to work on the next workday wearing their messy panties. Since they will be wearing them all day, and cannot wear skirts, dresses, pants etc. with messy panties, they might as well leave such clothing items at home.
This means, inevitably, that on Mondays, it is likely that all female employees will be arriving at work, spending the entire day, and leaving at the end of it, in just a top and messy panties, or possibly a bra and panties if they customarily wear a dress.
It is possible, of course, that some women might choose to poop in their panties at home and then come to work in a top (or bra) and their messy panties, purely to avoid the embarrassment of pooping on camera while naked and strapped to the toilet chair. In order to discourage this practise, there needs to be a penalty for coming to work in messy panties. The penalty obviously needs to match, in scale of embarrassment, the experience of pooping on camera while naked in the chair. I have therefore chosen this: any woman arriving at work in messy panties must leave her top and/or bra in her car, and spent her day at work in nothing but her messy panties.
As a consequence of this, all female employees are likely to be spending the whole of every Monday wearing only messy panties. Some panties may, of course, be insufficiently capacious to hold the combined poop of four consecutive days of defecation (Friday evening, potentially, then Saturday, Sunday, and Monday during work hours). A stock of full-cut panties, which should be more than adequate for the job, will therefore be kept in Dean Smith’s office. In case of any spillages resulting from overflowing panties, please collect a pair of full-cut panties from Dean, and fill them with the poop from your own panties, plus whatever poop spilled on to the floor. Those panties then belong to you; please keep them at your desk in case of future spillages.
Since all poop is to be kept in panties rather than the urine can, it is not necessary to visit the toilet chair in order to defecate. Female employees may, if they wish, poop in their panties at their desks or elsewhere on the building at any time. They must remember, however, to remove any bottom-half clothing items immediately, and show their poopy panties to Carl or Scott before the end of the day, so that they can be checked off to avoid having their pay docked.
Carl and Scott are only human, and may occasionally make mistakes in logging poop events. In case of disputes, therefore, it is important that we have video evidence of every female employee’s panties throughout the day. Webcams have been set up around the office and at least one is dedicated to each cube.
Since pants, skirts and dresses would conceal a pair of poop-filled panties, a female employee could in theory poop in her panties in the morning, keep her mess hidden throughout the day, and report to Carl or Scott at two minutes to five. This kind of deception is not acceptable, yet it is difficult to see how it could be prevented, except by banning pants entirely, and mandating that skirts and dresses be drastically shortened, to the point where they cannot cover the panties.
With regret, therefore, I am forced to do just that. Pants are now forbidden for female employees. Skirts and dresses must be short enough to expose at least three inches of the buttocks at the back when standing upright. Some women may prefer to dispense with a skirt or dress entirely, rather than butcher their clothes, and that is understandable; skirts and dresses are therefore optional.
Some women, in an attempt to avoid the unpleasantness of pooping in their panties, may attempt to fool the cameras by stuffing socks or other items into the back of their panties, pretending that they have pooped when in fact they have not. If they try this at the beginning of the day, arriving at work with bunched-up socks in their panties, it will not be an issue, since their deception will be uncovered the first time they go to the toilet chair to pee. But if they attempt to claim towards the end of the day that they have just pooped, having installed their socks in their panties, this deception will be harder to catch.
Therefore, all panties worn by female employees must be see-through, so that the shape and color of the contents of a female employee’s panties can be determined. Since there are degrees of transparency and the results, if left to individuals, are likely to be inconsistent, female employees will henceforth be supplied with panties by the company. Each woman will be issued, by mid-morning today, ten pairs of identical, ultra-sheer panties. No other panties but these may be worn at any time, even at home, except in the case of a spillage event that necessitates a change into full-cut panties (which are white and non-sheer).
Tops, too, are from now on to be strictly regulated. Some t-shirts and other styles of top can be long enough to cover the panties - something that is no longer permitted even for skirts and dresses. The standard for tops, therefore, is that they must stop short of the waistband of the panties.
It is only natural that with all of the women in the office being rather more exposed than previously, especially on Mondays, and even more so while strapped into the toilet chair, some of the men in the office might get it into their heads that lewd remarks and inappropriate touching are somehow now more acceptable. This is not the case! Sexual harassment rules remain in place and will be enforced rigorously.
I do recognize however that the temptation for male employees to push the boundaries may now be greater than before, particularly for Scott and Carl. When a toilet chair user is strapped in place with her legs spread wide apart and her exposed private parts sticking through the seat of the chair, Carl and/or Scott may be somewhat tempted to take advantage of the situation. We cannot have that, of course, so as a precaution we have set up webcams to record the chair and its occupant from every angle.
Links to the live feeds for these webcams are available on the company website. I would encourage all of you to view the webcams whenever a woman is in the chair; the more eyes we have on each toilet visitor, the less likely it will be for any misbehavior by Carl or Scott to go unnoticed. A weight sensor built into the platform will trigger an instant message to everyone’s computers every time a woman climbs into the chair, so you’ll have no excuse for not watching! Pay particular attention to Camera Six, which will maintain a close-up view of the toilet visitor’s vulva, vaginal orifice, and anus.
Thank you in advance for patience and cooperation in this matter, and once again, I apologize for the inconvenience.
Best regards,
Lisa Garm
President and CEO
Widmark Consulting, Inc.