Hello, I’m Terri Elaine Bradford.  I’m a girl!  Hee hee!  I have two younger sisters, Joan, she’s nine and Pepper who is seven.  I have a mom and a dad whom I love and adore!  Daddy gave you to me yesterday.  We live in Bartlesville, Oklahoma.  We are “Sooners” and proud of it! My dad’s parents came here from Minnesota in a covered wagon during the great land rush.

Daddy told me to write down what happens every day.  He said that when I’m as old as he is, I could look back, like a time traveler, and come back to today or to any other day in my life.  I would know what I was doing, what I was feeling and what I was thinking.  I would know who my friends were today and what was troubling me.

Okay, I can’t think of anything bad that’s worrying me.  My friends are still Mary Anne Kline and Jill Swanson.  They have always been my friends and always will be! Today, I’m writing in you, of course!  And I think I’m finished for today.

Love, Terri

P.S.  I also got new doll for Christmas.  She’s so beautiful!

I thought something was wrong with me!  I called Mommy.  She came rushing into the bath.  I showed her.  She smiled and said that the reason my nipples were so puffy was that was becoming a woman!  I’m so happy!  I really wasn’t expecting any of this until next year because that’s what Mommy told me just a few weeks ago on my birthday.  She told me then that I would start changing and I am!

June 17, 1960

My nipples are so sore!  It felt so good to touch them last night that I couldn’t stop touching them.

Joan is such a baby!  I told her that I was growing up.  She wanted to be growing up too and had a fit that I always got to do everything first.  I showed Pepper too.  She just shrugged.  I don’t think she understands.  I also want to show Daddy, but I know I can’t do that. 

Mommy took me to J.C. Penny’s today to buy me some new bras.  The trainer she got me just before school started is now too tight.  I now have a 34 A!  Mommy says I’m growing fast.  Some of the boys in class, Ed Kruger and Jerry Dykes, sometime stare at me.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and we spent the afternoon down in the cellar due to tornados.  I’ve never been so scared in my life!  We prayed and we prayed and it worked!  Fortunately nothing bad happened here, but just west of here several people were killed.

April 20, 1961   

I need new bras again!  Mommy brought home a B cup for me to try.  It’s a little loose, but not so tight as my old ones.  My jeans are too tight too!  Mom says we will need to go shopping!  I love shopping!  Mommy says she hasn’t paid for Christmas yet, but she doesn’t really seem to mind.

Junior High School is a lot of fun, but not always.  Today, a ninth grader cornered me in a stairwell.  He touched me!  He touched my breast!  I was scared and took off running.  I was so embarrassed!  Later in class I was confused.  I certainly didn’t want him to touch me, but I… I don’t know.  The creep!

October 17, 1961 

He did it again!  God, I hate him!

Thursday, October 21, 1961 

I just keep getting bigger!  I now have a 36-C!  None of the other girls in my class are that big.  They’re jealous!  All the boys want to talk to me. 

Of course THE CREEP wanted to touch me again.  He said that he knew I liked it and to stop pretending.  He said he wanted me to meet him after school.  Fat chance!  I found out that he was Larry McLane.  I already knew he was a football player, but I didn’t know he was the best player on the team, or so he says.  What conceit!  He is a total CREEPO!

Friday, October 22, 1961 

I slapped Larry McLane today.  Doesn’t he get it?  God, I hate him! I know I’m not supposed to say that, but I DO HATE HIM!

Friday, November 3, 1961 

It’s been two whole weeks since I slapped THE CREEP.  Hasn’t touched me since, but today, another football player, Matt something, did it to me.  God, now there are two creeps!

Monday, Nov. 6, 1961 

It happened again!  I was in the stairwell.  A guy, another ninth grader I think, cornered me and touched me.  I pulled away from him and ran.  I heard him laughing.  I’ve seen him hanging around Larry McLane.  I also saw that Matt guy from Friday talking to Larry after school.  I know those creeps were talking about me.  Larry waved to me.  Ugh!  I hate him!

Thursday, Nov. 9, 1961 

Another one of Larry’s friends tried to feel me up today.  I tried to get away, but he had me cornered, pinned to the wall and really cornered.  He had both hands on me and was squeezing me! I did get away, but I don’t know what to do!  I can’t just let them do that. 

If I tell someone at school, they might get suspended and we’ll lose the division playoffs.  Then everyone will blame me and everyone will hate me.  Maybe I can get a transfer to another school.

Friday, Nov. 10, 1961 

I decided I had better talk to someone.  This is really getting out of hand.  Today it was Matt.  He said girls with big tits, girls like me (I’m not that big!), liked for boys to touch them.  I told Mom, she wanted them all arrested.  I just want them to stop. 

Later Daddy came in to talk to me.  He said the boys were just trying to see what they could get away with.  He told me the next time one of them pushes me to the wall or does something that I didn’t like, that I should knee them in the groin.  He says that really hurts.  And if I do it, do it as hard as I can.  He guarantees that they will leave me alone after that.  I don’t know, but Daddy’s never been wrong about anything before.

At least tomorrow is Saturday, so I won’t have to deal with them tomorrow.

Monday, Nov. 13, 1961  

Today Larry cornered me.  He had me backed up against the wall.  He wasn’t touching me, but had his hands on the wall forming a cage.  He said that Matt told him how much I liked him feeling me up.  His hands dropped.  I’m glad I had a full skirt on today, because I did just what Daddy told me to do.  THE CREEP hollered and fell to floor holding himself between his legs!  He was in pain... HA! HA! HA!  Daddy was right!  It sure looked like it hurt a lot. 

A big crowd of kids gathered around.  Another girl I only sort of know, yelled, “Way to go, Terri!”  Everybody was laughing at the stupid jerk.

God, I sure hope he doesn’t get too mad at me.  I’ve got to go to school with him the rest of the year.  But he wouldn’t hit a girl, would he?

Of course I told Daddy all about it. He said, “Good for you,” and told me  not to worry about the Creep.

Tuesday, Nov. 14, 1961  

I got called into the principal’s office today.  Daddy was there.  The principal said he’d have a talk with the boys in question and that he would put a stop to it.  He thanked my dad for being supportive of the school.  Dad told him he didn’t give a damn about the division playoffs, and that if it ever happened again, the principal could expect the police to show up and take care of it.

No one bothered me today.  Some girls came up to me and told me how much Larry deserved it.  A few said we’d better not lose the playoffs because of me, but they were older girls.  They said I needed to grow up.

Sat., Nov. 18, 1961  

We won the division playoffs!  Best of all, Larry and his creepy friends stay far away from me.  They went out of their way to avoid me!   Thanks, Daddy.  I love you!

Mommy had one of her horrible headaches today.  It was so bad that she had to stay in bed all day.  I fixed supper with Pepper’s help.  Joan helped too, but not much.

Last time she had headaches like this, the doctor gave her some pills to help her sleep.  Next day the headache was gone, but by late afternoon, it would come back.  That went on for three weeks.  Finally the headaches went away.  I guess they’re back.  Poor Mommy; I wish I could do something to help her feel better like she does for me when I’m feeling bad, but I don’t know what to do.

Tuesday Dec. 5, 1961

I can’t believe this!  I thought something was going on and there is!  Mary Anne told me that she heard that someone had written on the boy’s bathroom walls, “Terri Bradford is a lesbian.”  Is that why all the boys look at me so funny now?  A lesbian!  I had to ask Mary Anne what that was. I don’t believe this!

Okay, I know I didn’t tell you when it happened, I forgot, okay?  I let Mary Anne and Jill touch my breasts at a sleepover last summer.  They just wanted to know what they felt like.  Nothing else happened!  Nothing!  I know Mary Anne would never say anything about something like that, but sometimes (like all the time) Jill does say a little too much.   You have to be careful what you tell her, otherwise, everybody knows.  But why would she tell anybody about that?

Thurs., Dec. 7, 1961  

I’m so miserable I want to die!  The big Christmas Dance is tomorrow night and I’m not going.  I’m not going because no one has asked me.  No one!  This lesbian thing has ruined my life!  I know THE CREEPS are behind it, but what can I do? 

Even Jill has a date, even though she still looks like a boy!  Talk about a lesbian!  Well, she’s not, but she looks like one.  I hate her!  Somebody told somebody else that Jill did talk about me and Mary Ann, and now everybody thinks Mary Anne’s a lesbian too.  Only Mary Anne has a date, so I guess nobody really believes it about her.  Of course Jill said she didn’t do anything but watch.  She did just as much as Mary Anne did!  Okay, she didn’t kiss my breasts like Mary Anne did, but she sure felt them!

Mommy seems better.  She didn’t get a headache today.  Still, I’m still going to cook dinner for her until I know she’s better.

December 28, 1961

Christmas has been fun and all, but I was kind of bored, so yesterday Daddy gave me a book to read.  He said I was old enough to read it and if I didn’t understand something, he said he’d be glad to explain it to me.  I hope it’s not like the last book he gave me, Uncle Tom’s Cabin.  That book made me cry and made me so angry.  Daddy said that book helped start the Civil War!  Well, I guess so!

This book is part of a series of books.  I hope he doesn’t expect me to read all of them.  This one is Volume 1.  It’s only about hundred pages long and its pretty beat up looking.  I’m not sure how many volumes there are in this series.  Daddy said it was another book about what went on before the Civil War.  It’s entitled Social Mores – The Plantation.

Friday, December 29, 1961

Oh, my!  This book!  Once I started it, I couldn’t put it down, except to eat.  It’s about two girls, one is the daughter of a plantation owner (Millie) and the other is a slave girl (Rachel).  The book starts when they are both about fourteen years old.  Millie, who was very pretty, goes with her family to town for a slave auction.  Can you believe that they displayed all the slaves naked! 

Millie’s father was looking to buy two slaves.  One, a strong “buck” to breed his slave women with so as to improve his “stock”.   They settled on a huge muscular Blackman named Jobo.  Millie describes how unbelievably large Jobo’s penis was, especially when her father had her nanny play with him until he was erect.   She said it became bigger than her forearm! I have no way of knowing, but do some men get that large?  Naturally, I’ve never seen a man’s penis, only little Tommy Rucks’ when I babysat for him.

The other slave they settled on was Rachel.  She was being bought to be Millie’s father’s personal slave.  Millie’s father had another personal slave from since Millie was born, but she was getting too old.  Rachel was light colored and Millie described how her mother and father both examined her before purchasing her, judging the qualities of her “utters” and probing her privates to ascertain that she was still a virgin. 

The book was all about how Millie’s father used Rachel, and how many children she had by both Millie’s father and Jobo.  The light colored girls were then sold to adjacent plantations to be used like Rachel was.  The darker children were put out in the fields with the other slaves.

Millie’s nanny taught her how to touch herself and make herself feel good.  That was important because Millie was expected to be pure until she was married.  I tried it!  Oh, my god, I saw stars!  It was the best feeling in the whole world!

Jobo made a lot of babies on the plantation.  One day, Millie sneaked into the “breeding” shack to see what was going on.  Jobo was rutting with a slave girl while her father and older brothers watched.  The black girl seemed to enjoy what he was doing to her.  She snuck in several more times to watch Jobo breed other slave girls. 

Millie cornered Jobo one day.  She was curious about his penis.  When it was all over, Jobo was afraid for his life as Millie seemed to have gotten hurt, but she came back a few weeks later and again made him do what he did with the salve girls in the breeding room.

Millie got preganant!  It was major crisis for her family. To save face, she falsely named a neighbor boy as the father, and married him.  Her husband really didn’t mind as she was so beautiful.  But when she gave birth to black baby!  Oh, my god! Her marriage was annulled and she was disowned by her own family!  She confessed fully and poor Jobo was castrated! It was declared by her father that the “nigger seed” had given her “nigger blood” and that she was no longer his daughter but just another one of his “niggers”. (I hate that word!)  In exchange for another stud “nigger” to replace Jobo, her own father traded Millie to her former father-in-law!  He used her like a “nigger girl” for his own pleasure and passed her out as a reward to his foremen.  Once on top of the social circle, Millie was reduced to a de facto white slave and prostitute.

Reading the book made me feel really funny at times. I always felt better when I did what Millie’s nanny taught her to do!  I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to talk to Daddy about this book!

January 1, 1962

Happy New Year!

Daddy asked me today if I finished The Plantation.  I couldn’t lie.  He then asked me what I thought of it.  I was so embarrassed.  Daddy told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed about anything with him; he was my father and it was his obligation to educate me.  Let me tell you, we don’t have any books like that at school!

He explained that it was a fictionalized historical account, meant to illustrate social behaviors of the times.  Daddy explained how it was customary throughout history for wealthy men to take young women as their mistresses, often with the full knowledge of his wife.  He said the men’s wives often did not want to risk having any more children, so the mistress provided the man with a sexual outlet.  The bastard children in these relationships were often adopted as full family members, but in this case, the children were regarded as nothing more than new slaves.

Then he talked about Jobo, and how he was used like a breeding animal.  And he talked about Millie. He said women have strong sexual drives just like men do, but that proper women of that time were not allowed to express their sexuality.  They, like the slave women, were “bred” to provide heirs for the man.  Once that was done, they were not expected to have sex ever again, as it wasn’t proper.  Sex between a man and his wife was for procreation only.  Sex between a man and his “nigger” girl was to satisfy the man’s lust.

When Millie mated with Jobo, she broke a major social taboo.  To enforce the social customs of the day, both parties paid dearly for breaking the taboo.  The breeding of a black man to a white woman was totally unacceptable, but the breeding of a white man to black woman was accepted.  Daddy called it a double standard and that I should know that society still held had that view.

I can’t believe how awesome Daddy is!  Until today I couldn’t imagine talking with him about the things we talked about today.  We talked about sex, not just the stuff Mommy told me, but about sex and the emotions that go with it.  I feel I can talk to him about anything, anything at all.  I love Daddy!

Sunday, January 14, 1962 

We all went to church today, just like we always do.  We had a pot luck dinner afterwards in the rec room.

Earlier tonight, Daddy gave me another book to read.  Social Mores – The Romans is volume 2 of the series.  I can’t wait to read it!

Monday, January 15, 1962 

I have math test and history test tomorrow, plus I had to write a paper for English (that was easy).  I didn’t have time to read tonight, but maybe I’ll have time to start Daddy’s new book tomorrow.

 Jannuary 17, 1962 

The Romans!  I can’t believe how bad they were! 

Thurs., Jan. 18, 1962 

The book Daddy gave me was about this slave boy, Marcus, who was owned by the Emperor Tiberius.  Tiberius held absolute power over everybody.  He had a palace on an island where he kept little boys and little girls naked.  When he swam in his pool, the little kids were expected to swim with him and nibble at him like they were little fishes.  And not just nibble on his arms either!  Marcus was one of the little fishes. 

The Emperor had other slaves running around dressed as wood nymphs and other mythical creatures, creatures he used for his own sexual gratification.  If he was displeased with someone, he had the offender thrown over the cliff and into the sea!  He really enjoyed killing people for the fun of it.

Tiberius had killed all his relatives that might be a challenge to him, all except for his step-nephew Caligula and Caligula’s sister.  For his amusement, Tiberius had Caligula torture and kill slaves and even perform sex acts with his sister and with Marcus!

After Tiberius died, Caligula became Emperor.  He was even worse than Tiberius, if that is possible! He was insane!  He got his sister pregnant.  To prove his powers as a god, he cut the baby from her stomach.  Of course she died.  Then he took Marcus and tired to make him into a woman, cutting off his penis and testicles.

There were all sorts of orgies in the book, where everybody had sex with everyone else, men and women, men and men, and women and women.  And these weren’t slaves!  They were the Senators and their wives and children.  No wonder Rome collapsed!

Saturday, January 20, 1962 

Daddy asked me about the book on the Romans.  I felt a lot more comfortable talking about this book than the one about Millie and Rachel.  Daddy asked me about the homosexuality.  I told him it was gross.  He said people do that sort of thing today, both men and women.  He talked about how in the Roman days, that homosexuality was acceptable, but that now homosexuality is condemned by society. 

He asked me about Caligula and his sister.  That was bizarre!  But Daddy said that they found comfort with each other that no one else could.  He said that in Roman times, sexual relationships between brothers and sisters, especially among the rulers, was acceptable as it preserved the power of the family.

Well, it’s not acceptable now!

Friday, February 2, 1962 

Daddy took Mommy on a date tonight.  I was in charge of Joan and Pepper, but Joan told me that I couldn’t tell her what to do.  Well, if Mommy was home, she’d have picked up her own dishes from the table!  She can be so difficult sometimes. 

Saturday, February 3, 1962 

Mommy is so sick again today that she never got out of bed.  We were all told not to bother her until she felt better.  Daddy had to take her lunch and dinner to her.

February 4, 1962 

Poor Mommy.   If she feels as bad as she looks, then I know she’s suffering terribly. Daddy took us all to church today (all except Mommy).

Wed., February 14, 1962 

Valentines Day! Ha! Everyone hates me!  Well, I hate this school and hate everyone who goes here, everyone except Mary Anne. 

Sunday, Feb. 18, 1962 

Pepper, Joan and I spent the weekend with Granny.  When we got home tonight, Mommy was sick in bed.  Daddy said it wasn’t the headaches this time, but something else.  She had fainted and fell down the stairs! Again! This time she had to have a cast put on her arm.

Thursday, February 22, 1962 

Mommy is a lot better and felt up to cooking tonight.  It was hard for her because she could only use one hand.  I helped as much as I could, but Joan disappeared as usual.  Pepper though was helpful.  Mommy seems so sad, but I think it’s because she still isn’t feeling very good.  School is… Arrrrugh!

Tues., March 6, 1962 

Jill had a party last weekend.  I just found out about it.  Why does she hate me?  I never did anything to her… never!   I just can’t believe that she’s no longer my friend.  I cried earlier, but I guess I’m okay now.

Thursday, March 15, 1962 

The Ides of March! I woke up this morning.  My bed looked like I’d been attacked by an axe murderer! I wasn’t and I know what it means.  Mommy told me to expect this, but it really looks like I bled to death!

I stayed home from school because I didn’t feel very well.  Mommy said that I can expect that, but I can’t use it as an excuse not to go to school every month.

Anyway, today I’m a woman!  From now on I can have babies if I want to.  I don’t want to of course, not right now at least, but I can do it if I want to!  I can’t wait to tell Mary Anne! She’s my only friend left.

Thurs., March 22, 1962 

Oh, weird!  This book Daddy gave me the other day, gives me the chills.  This one is about the French before the Revolution.  Michelle is a peasant girl who has fun with all the boys and men in her village.  She catches the eye of the Lord of the Manor who gives her to his friend, the Marquis. 

This Marquis de Sade guy is some creepy!  At first he just ties her up, blindfolds her and molests her.  She really likes that.  Then he abuses her while having sex.  He continues to abuse Michelle, adding more and more pain.  Funny thing is, Michelle actually likes it, the pain that is. He keeps adding more and more pain until she cannot have pleasure without pain.  In her drive for more pleasure as the Marquis promises, she endures ever greater pain.  Not realizing he is really hurting her, he over does it and she dies.  But he doesn’t care that she’s dead, he just gets another peasant girl to abuse for his amusement.  Ugh!  I hate this book!

Saturday, March 24, 1962   

This afternoon we had to hide in the cellar again due to bad weather.  Some houses near us had the roofs blown off, but we didn’t suffer any damage.  I hate tornados!

Pepper found a box and opened it.  There were some handcuffs and other funny stuff in it.  Mama snatched it away from us and said it was for a play, except I don’t remember her ever being in a play.  Then she explained that she did theater in high school long before I was born.  

Mon., Mar 26, 1962 

 I heard today at school that a tree fell on Jill’s house during the storm Saturday.  It fell on her room and really messed it up.  She was so upset!  Tough! Too bad the tree didn’t fall on her!  I really don’t mean that, and I don’t have anything against Mr. and Mrs. Swanson or her little brother, but I’m glad she’s upset and I’m glad she lost all her Elvis records!

Thursday, Mar 29, 1962

God!  I need a bigger bra!  How big are these things going to get? 

Sunday, April 1, 1962 

Mommy’s too sick to take me to Penny’s, so Daddy took me shopping yesterday. I thought he was joking, but today is April Fool’s Day... not yesterday!  Poor Daddy, he looked so uncomfortable in the lingerie department.  I couldn’t help but ask him which bra he liked best.  I’ve never seen him so red before!  But he finally calmed down enough to really help me.

We picked out several and I tried them on.  They are really pretty! Naturally he couldn’t come in the dressing room with me and I couldn’t go out in the store just wearing a bra, so I waited until we got home.  Mommy was asleep.  Both Joan and Pepper were spending the night with friends. 

I put on the first bra and went out to show Daddy.  You should have seen the look on his face!  Of all the bras I modeled for him, he liked the lacy black one the best!  I can hardly believe he bought it for me, Mommy certainly wouldn’t have!

After the fashion show I got ready for bed, then went out and snuggled up with Daddy to watch TV. 

Today Daddy took us all to church (all except Mommy). I wore my new pink bra.

Wednesday, April 4, 1962 

Bad weather again today.   It came in during school, so we all had to go out in the hallways until it blew over. No one has asked me to go to the dance yet.  I’d even go with that fruit, Morty, if he asked me… well, maybe not.

April 5, 1962 

I’ve been crying all evening.  Tomorrow night is the big spring dance and once again I don’t have a date for it. I hope Jill dies for what she did to me.  Now, even Mary Anne avoids me. 

It’s almost midnight.  Another Friday night and I’m stuck home.  There was a party tonight at Carol McBride’s, but of course, I wasn’t invited.  It’s like I’m unclean and have some sort of nasty disease.  I can’t believe this has happened to me!  Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and die!  But I’d miss Daddy, and Mommy, and Pepper and even Joan.

But Daddy cheered me up.  Joan and Pepper both had invites for a sleepover.  I think I’ve all but forgotten what they’re like.  Mommy felt a headache coming on, so after supper, she took her pill and went to bed.

Daddy said, “Come on, Punkin’, let me take you shopping.”  So he did, for panties!  We went to this store in Tulsa that only sold panties and bras.  Some were really wild, with holes in them where there shouldn’t be holes!  I can’t believe anyone would ever wear something like that.

Daddy said that I was too old to still be wearing cotton panties.  I was a woman and should dress like a woman.  He picked out a dozen pair of bikini style panties of all different colors.  He also picked out a couple of new bras for me.  We went home and I modeled the panties and bras for him.  Mommy was asleep and Daddy told me that I shouldn’t tell her about it.  I guess not!  She’d never let me wear anything like that, but Daddy said that I should be modest when I dressed to go out in public, but underneath, I should look like the  pretty woman I was.

I put on my first outfit.  A new black bra and lacy black panties.   I came out, he whistled.  Then he told me to wait a minute.  He went upstairs and got a pair of Mommy’s high heel shoes.  We are the same size, but I never wore high heels before. I was really wobbly at first, but after awhile I did okay.  Daddy said they made me look like a real fashion model.

At one time he disappeared for a long time.  I thought he’d gone to sleep, but he didn’t.  He said he just had to use the bathroom.  Still he took a long time. 

All in all, I bet I had more fun playing fashion model than I would have if I’d gone to Carol’s stupid party with all those stupid people.  I don’t like any of them, so even if I went, I doubt if I would have had a good time.

Tuesday, Apr. 24, 1962 

The other day, I got a new book from Daddy in the Social Mores series.  The Puritans.   If this is true, they weren’t anything like the Pilgrims we think of at Thanksgiving! 

Back then, houses were very small, usually just one room.  Everybody slept in the same bed, including overnight guests!  The Puritans didn’t flaunt sex, but they accepted it as normal.  A man and his wife would have intercourse while their children slept next to them.  Of course sometimes the children weren’t asleep! 

When a male guest stayed overnight, they put a board down the bed to separate him from a daughter sleeping next to him.  If the male guest was a young suitor, sometimes the bed board was neglected!

The story was about a young man, Joshua, who frequently visited a neighbor and their daughter, Sara.  They wanted the young man to marry her.  They didn’t separate them with a board.  Sara’s parents and siblings were well aware of what was taking place in that bed!

Sometimes a daughter just got pregnant.  It was accepted and not condemned because life was held scared.  A girl might have two or three children out of wedlock before ever getting married!  That’s what happened to Joshua’s sister, but when Sara got pregnant, he did marry her right away.

Sara’s little brother got caught with a male overnight guest.  Homosexuality was treated very harshly.  Her father turned the boy in to the magistrate and her brother was put to death!

The whole book was like, HUH?

Fri., Apr 27, 1962 

Daddy and I talked about the Puritan book, especially how illegitimate children were treasured as much as legitimate children.  Promiscuity wasn’t acceptable, but sex itself was okay outside of marriage, but only between different sexes. 

Thursday, May 3, 1962 

I’ve been invited to go to a party Saturday night!  I really don’t know if really want to go.  It’s not like I’ll have any friends there. 

Sunday, May 6, 1962 

Good news, bad news. First the good news.   I had such a blast last night!  You wouldn’t believe who was there.  Larry McLane… THE CREEP!  Except he’s really not such a creep after all, at least not last night.   He came up to me.  I wanted to run away, but there really wasn’t anywhere to run. 

He smiled at me and said, “Hi, Terri.  You really look good tonight,” or something like that.  Then he apologized!  He said, “I deserved what you did to me, Terri, but please, don’t ever do that to me again.”  Then he said, “You might not believe this, but I didn’t start the rumor about you, and I don’t think you’re like that at all.”  Then he kind of laughed and said that, “it would a shame if you are, because you’re such a knockout.”

We talked for awhile and he asked me to dance.  I said okay.  He went to put his arms around me, but stopped and made sure it was okay.  I said, “Of course, silly, it’s okay.”  We danced a slow number.  Boy, did that create a buzz.  Terri the Ice Queen Lizzy and Larry the Barbarian were dancing!

We danced for a while and then sat and drank a Coke.  He asked if he could kiss me!  I’d never kissed a boy before, only Mary Anne and Jill, and that was a long time ago. I really felt funny, all warm and tingly.  He was a good kisser and I really liked it.  My heart was racing and I felt almost out of breath.  His hand went to my breasts.  Nothing ever felt so good in my life.  Funny, it wasn’t what he was doing, it was all about how he was doing it that mattered.  As good as it felt, it was scary too.  It was feeling so good that I had to stop, or else I don’t know what I’d done.

Larry just pulled me back down into his arms.  Next thing I knew, his hand was inside my blouse!  I tried to slow things down, but he told me just to relax, and that he wasn’t going to hurt me, but make me feel really good.  I was already feeling really good, but when his hand slid up inside my bra… I knew I should’ve stopped him, but I didn’t.  He found my nipple and I felt this incredible shudder rush through my body. 

The lights were way down low, in fact it was almost dark in the room.  I didn’t want Larry to ever stop.  The bra I had on had the clasp in the front.  Suddenly my bra was loose and my blouse completely open.  He was really feeling me up and I loved it!  Then, some clown flicked on the lights!  There I was, and everybody saw me!  At least I wasn’t the only girl exposed like that.  Carol McBride was practically naked from the waist down and Kelly Patterson had her shirt pulled up to her neck and her bra was in her lap!

Now for the bad news… Someone yelled for them to turn off the lights.  Unfortunately, it was the mother of the boy who gave the party who had turned on the lights!  She made Carol, Kelly and me call our parents to come pick us up.  I was so humiliated and embarrassed!  I don’t know if I can ever face any of those people again. Even so I feel all funny just thinking about what Larry was doing to me.  I think I’m in love!

Well, Daddy just called for me.  Time to go to church.

Sunday, May 6, 1962

Here I am again and I can’t believe it. After church today, Charlie’s mom called and talked to my dad. She told him everything!  Daddy said that I should be more circumspect about “things” and that people will form the wrong opinion about you if you aren’t very careful.  He said, “No PDA meant just that, ‘No public display of affection… that included parties or anywhere else other people are around.  I tried to explain, but he said he only wanted me to know what he and Mommy expected of me.  He also said it was good thing Mommy hadn’t taken that call.  He asked me if I thought I could trust that boy.  I told him, ‘yes’.  Daddy replied, “After what he did to you earlier this year?” 

“That was a long time ago,” I said. 

Daddy chuckled and shook his head.  “Yes, from your perspective I suppose so.  Sometimes it seems that things change very fast, only they haven’t changed at all.”  I wasn’t sure what he meant by that. 

Monday, May 7, 1962  

I saw Larry at school today.  He said I was hottest girl in school.  He tried to kiss me, but I told him “No, PDA.”  I had to explain it to him.  He said okay, how about if I skipped lunch and met him down by creek?  I’ve heard about what happens there.  I said I wasn’t sure.  He said I should think about it and then he kissed me again.  Lots of people saw us too!  I didn’t go, but just thinking about it all day… maybe I’ll go tomorrow.

May 8, 1962 

I saw Larry again.  He asked me if I thought about meeting him down by the creek.  I had the butterflies just being near him.  I said I would.  Then he said, “Good.  I have a rubber.”  Then the bell rang and he took off. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but by lunchtime, it was raining.  Larry came up to me in the lunchroom.  We talked for a long time.  Whenever he just touched my arm it sent shivers down my spine.  He said he couldn’t wait to get me naked.  Naked?   I just wanted him to kiss me and maybe touch my boobs. Then he said that I didn’t have to get totally naked.  I told him I wasn’t getting naked at all!  Then he called me a “Prick Tease”.  I said I wasn’t.  He said I had to prove it.

After what happened Saturday night, I knew I could talk to Daddy about it.  I asked him what a rubber was.  Oh, my gosh!  Larry thought I wanted to…  Daddy asked me why I wanted to know.  I didn’t want to get Larry in trouble, so I didn’t say anything.  Daddy then told me that boys always want girls to have sex with them.  It was up to the girl to say no if she didn’t want to do it.

Thursday, May 10, 1962

I just can’t win!  Suddenly, I’m no longer a lesbian, but now I’m easy!  Oh, I really do hate the people at this school.  They’re horrible, really horrible.  And Larry… he is a CREEP!  Carol told me that she’d heard that at the party, he said that he had his hand between my legs!  He did not!  Kelly heard it too, from a guy.  Everybody used to ignore me, now they look at me funny and the boys all grin at me.  I just want to die!

Daddy saw how upset I was tonight.  He took me aside and asked what was the matter.  I told him.  He asked if I was still a virgin.  Of course I am!  Then we had this big discussion about trust.  How if a guy shows you that you can’t trust him, then you can’t trust him.  He reminded me that I already knew I couldn’t trust Larry, so I shouldn’t be surprised that he’d exaggerate and brag about things.  As always, Daddy made sense out of everything for me.  As for Larry McLane, we’re through!

Monday, May 14, 1962 

God I hate Jill!  Today in the cafeteria she was sitting with her friends (the popular girls…  hate them too) and when I passed her table she called me a slut!  A slut!  All the other girls giggled and I just wanted to throw my lunch into her face.  I hate her, I hate her! I fell back on what I’ve been taught as a good Christian and turned the other cheek.  Still, she wouldn’t have been still giggling with spaghetti all over her!

Friday, May 25, 1962 

Thank goodness, school is over!  It’s been a terrible year.  Somehow I transitioned from being a cold-blooded lesbian to a hot-blooded slut!  I really don’t know which is worse when I’m neither.  At least the boys are looking at me again, but I don’t like what they are thinking! 

I keep thinking about the party and what Larry was doing to me.  I want that again, I know that, but not with Larry.  Stupid ass!  I hate him, I hate him.  Then again, I want feel like I did that night with him.  I’m so totally confused.  Why did he have to brag about it? Why did he have to lie about it?  Now I think I know why some girls are lesbians, because guys are such jerks!

Sunday, June 3, 1962 

Sorry I haven’t written in past few days, but I’ve been busy.  Busy reading a new book from Daddy.   This one is about The Polynesians.  It’s my favorite book of all!  I hated the book on the Romans, but this is so cool!  I just get all tingly thinking about it.  I had a hard time reading it because I had to play with myself so much! And on a Sunday!

Okay, let me see if I can get through this.  The setting was the South Pacific before it was discovered.  Muka, is a girl who lives in a large village next to a lagoon.  For the most part, everyone was always naked except for grass skirts that both men and women wore.  They all spent most of the time fishing or doing other things and went about totally naked.  Muka, like all children, never wore anything until she began menstruating.  Then she was married to a boy she grew up with and liked a lot.

But here’s what’s so totally wild!  Before she married, she had sex with every male in the village, including her own father!  In fact, it was the father who had the responsibility to introduce her to sex!  Once her breasts began to develop, her father took her virginity.  He then took Muka to the village elders who further educated her on what males and females do.  Then there was a big celebration where everyone in the village did it with everyone else!  After that, Muka had sex with several men or boys every day until she gained full status as an eligible maiden.  It seemed that she would fish in the morning along with everyone else in the village, have sex with someone, peel breadfruit and shred coconut in the afternoon, have sex with someone else, fix dinner and eat, then have sex again with still another man before retiring for the night.  At night her father would often have sex with her too.

The sex act was celebrated in her village as a combination of several things.  Appeasement to the gods/ the gods’ greatest gift/ and the pathway to happiness.  At first the appeasement to the gods and the gods’ greatest gift seems contradictory.  As to appeasement, the men had to ejaculate several times each a day primarily to prevent the island god from ejaculating (molten lava) and to prevent the sea god from ejaculating (tidal wave).  Of course the women had to do their part in helping the men ejaculate. 

The greatest gift angle had to do with fertility and child bearing and the pathway to life and happiness was through a woman’s vagina.  In one part of the story the volcano erupted.  Apparently the island god was displeased with the amount of offerings by the men.  To keep the volcano in check, the village went into a frenzy of sex for about a week.  When it was all over, the entire village was exhausted and several of the older villagers had died from starvation!

When Muka began menstruating, she picked out a husband from the pool of eligible men.  It was her choice.  From then on until she became pregnant, she only had full vaginal sex with her husband.  It was still okay to do other things, like sucking men’s penises and doing it in the girl’s bottom!  Once she was pregnant, she was free to have sex with any and all males in the village!  Talk about promiscuous!  PDA?   There was lots of PDA as they did it wherever they wanted to do it, no matter who was around.  There was no shame in it, that’s for certain.

After her first child and when the bloodline of her husband was established, things changed according to her lunar cycle.  The Polynesians knew when a woman was safe from pregnancy and when she was fertile.  When she was fertile, she only had vaginal sex with her husband.  When safe, she had vaginal sex with anyone she pleased.

Wed., June 6, 1962 

Daddy asked me about The Polynesians after supper.  I asked him what God thought about what they did.  Daddy shocked me when he said, “Terri, there is no God.”  We go to church every Sunday!  “There is a higher power than man, I do believe that, but as for some long bearded guy sitting up on a cloud passing judgment on us, I don’t think so.” 

Then he told me something I had never heard before.  “When I was in the war, I had a dear friend, Joe.  Joe was the most devout man I’ve ever known.  He prayed four times a day for God to watch out and protect his wife and children, both born and unborn.  I never heard Joe say an unkind word against anyone and I never heard him use foul language.  If there was any man who lived the Golden Rule every minute of every day, it was Joe.  He loved life, he loved his fellow man, including the Japs, and he loved God. I know this sounds crazy, but even though he shot and killed a lot of Japs, he had to, he still loved them as God’s creation.

“We were on Okinawa and our unit was pinned down.  Joe was with me.  We couldn’t move or you’d get picked off within seconds of putting your head up.  The sun set.   Flares were overhead constantly, so we could see the Japs sneaking up on us.  It turned into a very long night. 

“Just before daybreak, a mortar round hit nearby.  Joe’s guts were laid open, but it didn’t kill him.  The only supplies we had were carbine rounds and hand grenades.  Our canteens were empty, mine with a bullet hole in it from the previous day.  There was nothing I could do.  I couldn’t even hold him and cradle him, as that would expose our position. 

“His wound was so grievous that I knew immediately that he wouldn’t make it.  But he didn’t just die; Joe lasted all day.  He was crying and calling for Julie, his wife and calling for his mother.  All day he lay there in agony.  It was hot, so incredibly hot all day long, and us without any water. All day he cried out for his mother, his wife, for God.  All day he suffered like no one should have to endure.  By late afternoon, his guts, his guts hanging from his stomach had begun to dry out into a sun-baked hardened mass. Still, Joe cried.  It wasn’t until late in the night that Joe finally quieted down and died.

“What had this good man done to deserve such a fate?  God’s will?   God had nothing to do with it.  It was war.  War between “civilized” men.   Listening to Joe all day with no relief from a merciful god, and no retribution from a vengeful god, I knew there was no god who watched over us.  How could there be and allow this?

“No, Terri, there is no god that looks down upon us and protects us, or passes judgment one way or the other upon us.  God created the universe from nothing, a universe so immense that we are but insignificant specks in an unimaginable vastness.  We are born, we live, we die and pass into oblivion.  There’s no heaven and no hell, except that which we create for ourselves and for others.”

We didn’t get to talk about the book, because Daddy was weeping.  I’ve never seen him cry before.  Mommy came in to see what was the matter.  I think she knew immediately what it was and she took him to his bedroom for some privacy.

Friday, June 8, 1962

Tonight, Daddy and I discussed the Polynesians.  I reread a lot of it last night until almost 4 AM.  I couldn’t help myself, it is so beautiful!  Also I couldn’t help but play with myself either, a lot.  This morning, I was still tingling down there.

Before he even asked, I told him how cool it was.  The freedom!  The freedom to be human and enjoy other humans!

Daddy laughed and stroked my hair.  He asked, “Of all the books I’ve given you these past months, who would you most like to be, Rachel, Millie, Michelle, Sara or…”

“Muka!” I shouted.  I want to be like Muka!”

Daddy laughed and said, “Muka?  Fine by me!  But if you are like Muka, in our “civilized” society, you will be scorned as an immoral tramp.  You will not be regarded well by anyone but me, and that’s because I love you unconditionally.  Your mother, she will look on you as immoral too, I’m afraid.

“So here’s what I want you to walk away with today, my darling daughter.  Promiscuity, in and of it’s self is not wrong, but no PDA!  If you act like a tramp in public, you will be thought of as a tramp or even worse by people.  So if you are sexually promiscuous, and I’m not saying you should be, you don’t want society to regard you as such.  Ultimately all things sexually will be your choice.  Remember this… always keep private the things that are private.

“Also you must be careful who you trust.  If you can’t trust someone to keep your private secrets, then never reveal any of those secrets to them.”

I know just who he means… Jill the Traitor and Larry the Creep.   I hate them both!

After our talk, Daddy took us all out for ice cream!

Sunday, June 10, 1962

Yesterday, Daddy took me shopping in Tulsa again for bras!  I bought a swimsuit too.  A bikini!  I had one last summer, but not like this, I mean, it’s really little.  I tried on several and showed Daddy, and he liked this one the best.  It’s blue and it’s little.  I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to wear it to the pool, but Daddy said I could wear it sailing.

Today we went sailing after church.  As usual Mommy stayed home because she always gets seasick.  When we got out in the boat and I took my t-shirt off, both Joan and Pepper made a fuss about their old one-piece suits, they both wanted a bikini like mine.  Daddy laughed and said okay, but only for sailing.   

Sat., June 16, 1962 

Today was a beautiful day for sailing.  We got off to a late start because Daddy stopped at the mall so Joan and Pepper could pick out their sailing bikinis.  Pepper is a lot like me.  She found something quick that both she and Daddy liked.  But Joan... Joan makes shopping a chore.  As always, Joan couldn’t make up her mind.  She found several that Daddy liked, but she was just so picky as always. 

An hour after Pepper had picked out her bikini, Joan was still looking.  Daddy, Pepper and I looked at each other in misery.  She may not mean to, but Joan really can take the fun out things.  Finally, Daddy had had enough, and picked out one he liked.  Joan pouted and whined all the way to the boat.  Then she wouldn’t just go down in the cabin and change.  “There’re bugs in there!”  If there were, they didn’t bother Pepper.  Pepper went down and changed out her one-piece and into her new bikini.  Joan wore her one-piece the rest of the day… what was left of the day.

Wednesday, June 20, 1962

Daddy came home today and said the company had offered him a big promotion, but that he would have to transfer!  I won’t have to go that awful Thomas Jefferson JHS anymore… I hate it and hate everyone there. 

The position as Plant Manager was down in New Orleans!  He said he wanted to go down for a few days, kind of check things out and talk to the big bosses before he made up his mind.  Pepper, Joan and I were to go stay with Granny while he and Mommy spent some time down there before he made up his mind.

New Orleans!  I looked it up in a geography book and it’s way south on the Mississippi River.  I need to go to the library and check out some books on it.

Saturday, July 7, 1962 

Daddy and Mommy are supposed to leave early tomorrow morning, but Mommy is having another bout with those awful headaches.  Granny is here to stay with us, but Daddy wants to take me with him!  I can’t believe it!  I’m going to New Orleans!  Cool!

From what I’ve read it’s just about the most exciting place around.  It’s famous for its food, but it all sounds pretty strange to me; gumbo, poor boys, bouillabaisse, etouffee, crabs, crayfish, remoulade, and all sorts of other strange things.  And voodoo!  I only thought that stuff was in the movies!  And they bury people above the ground!

Well, got to go.  I’ve got to pack.  One other thing, Joan is so mad that she’s not going!  Daddy told her that maybe she could go with him next time.  That seemed to mollify her.  She’s such a baby!

P.S.  Daddy asked me about my period.  I showed him on the calendar that it wouldn’t be until after we got back.  He said okay, he just wanted to make sure that I brought pads if I needed them.  I won’t need them. 

Sunday, July 8, 1962

I am at the airport in Tulsa.  Our flight leaves at 8:25 AM, in about forty minutes. I’m so nervous.  I’ve never been in a plane before.  I feel guilty for missing church this morning, I hardly ever miss church on Sunday unless I’m sick, but I guess it’s okay today if I do.  Well, got to go, Daddy wants to show me something.