Not only am I a wicked person, I am a coward to boot!  I fell asleep clutching a bottle of Mama’s happy pills.  It would have been easiest if I had just swallowed them all and then I wouldn’t have to face myself ever again. I’m sure Mama would be happy again with me gone and maybe she could give to Joan and Pepper the love and attention that they deserve. All the unhappiness of these past months and years are all my fault.  The three of them don’t deserve any of this!

But then I think of Jimmy.  Wonderful, generous, loving, Jimmy.  If anyone loves me, it’s Jimmy, but I don’t think he does either.  Pops?  Pops is sweet and Pops gets what he wants, but Pops doesn’t love me.  He loves me naked.  He loves me to suck his cock, he loves doing me up the ass, and doing all his friends, but he doesn’t love me.  No one loves me.  Except maybe Pepper.  But Pepper doesn’t understand the harm I’ve caused her and when she does, she’ll hate me too.   

*****

Mama got home a few hours ago and when she went into her room, she went crazy!  I didn’t get thanked for cleaning the house; I had my face slapped for violating her privacy and was told in no uncertain terms that I was to never set foot in her room ever again.  I guess I got what I deserved, but poor Joan and Pepper.  They were shocked at how Mama treated me.

Once Mama went upstairs and shut herself in for the night (it was still mid-afternoon), Joan came to me and wanted to know just what was it between Mama and me.  She didn’t know and I wouldn’t tell her.  Finally she got angry and lashed out at me too.  She didn’t know why, but she was certain that I was at the root cause of everything.  She is so right!

I think that maybe I’d better leave.  It would be best for everyone.  I’m sure Pops would give me a bed to sleep in… his and just maybe I could patch things up with Jimmy.  Hmmm, maybe if I just let Jimmy knock me up… But would he marry me?  What of Pops then?

I had an awful dream last.   Something was crawling around inside me, and it kept getting bigger and bigger.  Mama and Joan were there telling me what a dirty slut I was and that I got what I deserved.  It got so big that I could hardly move and Joan and Mama just laughed at me.  It was Jax’s baby! I was lying in bed alone, watching as my bloated stomach seemed to boil.  Then it came, right through my stomach!  It was a hideous!  Whatever it was, it wasn’t human and it had ripped me open to get out!  It tired to scream, but I couldn’t make a sound.  The thing crawled up and begin feeding on my breast, not milking it, eating it!  Thank God, I woke up!

I was soaked in sweat and couldn’t get back to sleep after that.  I didn’t want the dream to return.  Then I realized it wasn’t a dream, something was crawling around inside me!  I didn’t think you could feel anything this early, but I felt something.  God, help me.  I know it was all in my head, but… I must have fallen back to sleep after exhausting myself crying.

I know it’s silly, as all that devil stuff was just Luther and Sadie role playing and “getting into their art”.  They sure had me fooled.  I’m just thankful they weren’t so whacked out that they actually made a human sacrifice out of me “for the sake of art”!  Poor Julian, I don’t think he’ll ever get over it.  

I woke up again around dawn and decided I needed coffee.  While drinking my coffee, I thought of a book Daddy had given me years ago about plantation life.  Whenever the young slave girls would menstruate, the foreman would make a note of it.  Then exactly two weeks later, the girl would be brought to a barn where Millie’s father and her brothers would judge her fitness.  If she was pretty enough, she was fucked by the foreman and any other white men who wanted some "pontang" in the hopes of producing a pretty mulatto girl to be "used" as a house girl.  If she was simply sturdy breeding stock, they would bring Jobo in.  Millie’s father would tell him, “Breed her.”  Then he and his sons would drink whiskey and watch as Jobo fucked the girl. 

“Breed her!”  That was what Luther told Jax to do with me! Then he and his wife watched Jax fuck me.  How could they do that to me? What did that have to do with art? Okay, I was “bought and paid for” as Luther put it, but he didn’t own me!  And now…. Now I might be carrying Jax’s bastard!  How can I ever live this down?  Then I thought of something Daddy had said long ago about fixing me up if I got pregnant by him.  I could call Jenny!  She would know a doctor who would do it.  But if I did that, she’d want something in return, mainly me!  Still if I have to, I'll do it.  God help me, but I’ll have it cut out of me!  I just can’t let anyone know about it though.  It would be my and Jenny’s secret.

Having developed a plan to deal with my "problem” I thought about my other problem… what to do with myself.   What do I really want?   After thinking about that all morning, I decided that I knew.  I want Jimmy.  I want Jimmy to love me again.  Is that too much to ask?  

Sat., June 10, 1967

After deciding to waylay Jimmy yesterday, I dressed in my bellbottoms and a peasant blouse with no bra.  My plan was to just show up at Jimmy’s and just move in.  He always liked it when I went without a bra.  For one thing he really has trouble with the hooks.  I’ve never seen a guy so inept with removing a bra as Jimmy is.  Pops on the other hand… I get within arm’s reach of that man and WHOOOSH! My bra is flying off!  Maybe I should get Pops to give Jimmy some fatherly lessons…

Anyway, I headed out.  Joan had my car, so I just walked, planning to greet Jimmy when he got home from work.  Date or not, I know he wouldn’t just kick me out his of bed without getting a little and I needed some loving in the worst way.  At least enough to hold me over until Pops got home.

I was walking down the street when Nick Melancon comes bouncing out of his house and cutting me off on the sidewalk.  I hadn’t seen Nick since he went to Hammond for college last fall.  I hadn’t missed the SOB in the least and wasn’t particularly thrilled to see him again.

“Where y’at, Dawling?” he greeted with a predator’s smile as his eyes crawled over my body. “Damn, if ya ain’t comfort for my po’ eyes!  How ya been, Cher?”

“Fine, Nick,” I answered as dispassionately as possible, all the while looking about for a carload of his friends to appear with rape on their minds.

“Say, how’s yer po’ mama doin’?  I hear she’s been real sick.”

“She’s better, thank you.”

“I only acks because my Ma’mer was acksing me and acksing if I’d seen ya and all dat.  Say, could ya do me a favor and go say hi to Ma’mer?  She’s really been worried about y’all.”

“I can’t right now, Nick.  I’m…”

“It’d only take a minute,” he said pointing to the Melancon house.

“I can’t, I…”

“I ain’t lettin’ ya go without saying hello to Ma’mer.  Please?  I know ya don’ like me, but for my Ma’mer.  She’s been truly  worried ‘bout ya folks… It’d only take a minute.”

As despicable as Nick is, his mom is an angel.  After Daddy died, she had brought food to the house for months and months.  I hadn’t seen or talked to her in a long time and I felt the need to be courteous toward her.  “Okay, Nick, but only for a minute.”  HA!  I can be soooo stupid sometimes!

As the front door closed behind us, Nick called out, “Ma’mer!  Ma’mer!”  There was no answer.  Nick turns to me and says with a creep's smile, “Oh, yeah, I forgot.  She’s not here.  Ma’mer and Pa done gone ta Mamou for a few days to see my poor old granma’mer.”

I went for the door, but Nick simply pushed me up against the door and locked it.  “Now I gots the house all to myself fo’ tree days.  Wha’cha say we that make good use of dat time, Cher?”

“Are you going to rape me?” I asked trying to control my panic.

“Ah ain’t gonna rape ya, cher. But… Ah am gonna fuck ya.  Ya wan’ it, and ah wan’ it.  Ah ain’t gonna do nuthin’ dat ya don’ wan’ me to do.”

“I need to go, Nick.”

“Not till I gets a little.” 

“Are you going to invite your friends?” I said angrily.

“Is dat whats ya wan?”  I didn’t answer him.

He took my hand and placed it inside his open zipper… just when he had opened his fly is beyond me, but he was open and he wasn’t wearing any underwear.  “That’s it, Cher.  Wrap dose fingahs ‘round mah big ole dick.  Ooo yeah, cher!”  While he held my hand on his stiff cock, his other hand slid up my sides and under my blouse.  Grasping my bare tit he said, “Bet ya don’ have no panties on either.”

“Yes, I do,” I replied, my resolve evaporating as my nipples spoke to my cunt and I felt myself becoming wet.

“Well, not fo’ long, Blondie,” he chucked rolling my nipple between his fingers.

“Damn you,” I managed, but the SOB was right.  I wasn’t going to be wearing panties for very long, not the way I was feeling.

Nick removed his hand from mine, as I was now willfully playing with his dick.  Next thing I knew, my top was being pulled over my head and his jeans were down around his knees.  His hands went to my shoulders and he pressed down gently.  My knees automatically responded and I let him guide me down until I was face to face with his cock.

It struck me then that I’d never really seen his cock before.  It’d been inside me any number of times, but it was always dark, or I was being held down and fighting, and I really never saw it.  There was plenty of light this time and I was surprised to say the least.  I’d only seen one dick like this before, dark but with a lighter colored head and that was Jax’s dick.  Even though they had no Negro features other than maybe a permanent tan, I surmised then that the Melancons were mulattos!  Cajun mulattos.

Mulatto or not, I took him between my lips and into my mouth, determined to give him the best blow job possible.  Nick was right, he didn’t have to rape me.  I spent the night with him and we screwed and screwed and screwed until he had to get up and go to work the next morning. 

“Ya kin stay if ya wan',” he said as he got dressed, “but dis afternoon… Ah wants ya here when Ah gets here and… Ah wan’cha neked.  Understand?” 

So here I am, ready to go to Nick’s and be a whore for him.  He’s not Jimmy, not by a long shot, but he’s not like that Rick fellow I screwed the night before either.  Nick’s not really such a bad sort, he’s just demanding.  He’s demanding, but he gave me exactly what I needed yesterday and he’ll give me exactly what I need tonight. God, I am such a total slut!

I hate Nick!  I really hate him.  I hate him because he brings out the worst in me.  Yesterday, I was waiting for him, naked like he wanted me.  Within a minute of getting home from his job doing whatever in an oil field, and before even showering the grime off, he was pumping into me.  I really don’t mind a sweaty man, or rather a man who smells of sweat, it’s so primal and adds something carnally to the experience, but the smell of grease and oil was too much.

After he fucked me, he took his shower.  I joined him and he really liked that even though the tub shower was rather crowded.  Then he took me back to his bed and screwed me again.  It was a long fuck, and as he worked his colorful cock in my pussy I heard some noise, then voices.  Soon there were several guys in the doorway, watching us fuck. Nick rolled off and greeted his buddies.  I’d never seen any of them before and Nick explained that they were fraternity brothers of his.  I protested, but Nick says, “Ya wanted me ta get some guys and ah gots some guys fo’ ya.”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Well dey’s here now an ah ain’t gonna disappoint dem.”

“You expect me to…”  I didn’t need an answer to that and I didn’t get one.  Of course he expected me to.  I told him, “No!  I won’t do it!” Nick just hauled me up and dragged me into the living room.  He told me to “cut da play actin’ and get down on da flo.”

There was some discussion as to who would do me first and it was settled by cutting a deck of cards. A part of me wanted to run and a part of me wanted to stay.  Besides, what was I supposed to do? Run home naked? I didn’t want to be gang raped, (gang fucked, yes, but gang raped, no) and decided to take charge of the imminent group fuck. 

I told the winner of card cutting to sit on the sofa.  I played with his cock for a minute to be sure that he was fully hard and then straddled him.  Sinking down on his dick, I fed him my tit while I gave him a fucking to remember.

I had the second guy sit on the sofa too.  I guess he thought he would get a ride like the first, but instead, I knelt between his legs and gave him a dick sucking.  While doing this I felt hands on my hips and then felt the next cock slide into me.  So much for me taking charge.  After that it was a free for all, and I was fucked until the guys couldn’t get it up anymore.  They all left around midnight.

Even though I did enjoy it, I hate Nick for making me do it.  He should have asked.  I might have said no, but I might have said yes.  As it was, I didn’t have any say in the matter.  I was to be used and that was that.  He wants me back tonight, but I have news for him!

Monday, June 12, 1967

I didn’t go over to Nick’s last night.  He came over here!  Joan had a date and Pepper was sleeping over with a girlfriend, leaving me alone with Mama.  Mama, of course, was locked away upstairs, conscious or unconscious, I don’t know which, she didn’t want anything to do with me and she was gone for the duration.

I told Nick that I didn’t want to see him, but he more or less forced his way in.  “It’s a good thang ya didn’t come over to fuck today,” he snickered.  “Ma’mer and Pa came home a day early.  Ma’mer woulda had a heart attack to find ya neked in my bed,” he laughed.  He looked around and asked if my sisters were home. 

“Joan’s up in her room,” I replied.

“No, she ain’t!  Ah saw her bein’ picked up by her boyfriend.  So… where’s ya mama?  She out cold like always?”

“How do you know that?”

“That little sister of yours, da lil’ blonde cutie… she tells me all sorts of thangs.  Is she here?”

“No, she’s not,” I replied as icily as possible.

“Dat’s too bad.  Bet dat one’s as much fun as you are, Cher.”  I felt the hairs standing up on the back of my neck with that comment.

“You leave her alone,” I said evenly, but ready to claw his goddamed eyes out.

“Ah will, dawlin’…dat is if Ah’m gettin’ whats Ah wants from ya.”

“What do you want, Nick?”

“Ya know what Ah wants.  It’s wha’ ya wants too.”  Not only is he ignorant and uncouth, he’s arrogant!  “Seeing dat yer mama is knocked out fer da night, what’cha say we get ta doin’ whats we’s gonna do?”

I really didn’t have much choice, but to take him to my room and give him what he wanted.  Thankfully, he left before Joan came home.  She came in and heard me crying and actually came in to see what was the matter.  I couldn’t tell her the truth, but I did thank her for her concern.

That brazen bastard!  He came over again to screw me, only this time Joan and Pepper were home. That didn’t stop him!  Once they were out of sight, he grabbed me by the arm and took me to my bedroom.  I don’t know who, but someone opened the door, looked inside and then closed the door.  Nick was doing me doggie style, on the floor and in front of the mirror like Daddy liked to do it.  I know they saw us.  How could they not see us?  The only good thing was that Nick didn’t stay very long.  Needed his sleep before working all day.  Poor baby!  Maybe he’ll have an industrial accident! 

Wednesday, June 14, 1967

It was Joan who saw us last night.  She came up to me this morning, out of earshot of Mama and Pepper, and said, “You are such a slut, Terri.  Can’t you at least go out and do it with that creep in a car somewhere?  You bring him into this house to have sex again and I’ll tell Mama what you’ve been doing.”  So much for sisterly love and understanding.  She’d like nothing better than have Mama kick me out for good, just so that she could have my bedroom!  I just need to leave and the sooner the better for everybody. 

I won’t give him another chance to use and humiliate me like that.  I’ll go see Jimmy this afternoon before Nick gets home. Jimmy won’t ask too many questions and then I’ll talk to Pops when he gets in later.  I’m sure I’ll have a safe place to sleep from now on.

Friday, June 16, 1967

I shouldn’t have gone the other night to Jimmy’s.  It’s all my fault.  I should have been here, letting Nick have his way with me, but I wasn’t… I was at Jimmy’s and I was happy.  Happily having sex with the one person I enjoy having sex with the most, Jimmy.

Jimmy was real happy to see me and even took me out for a poorboy.  Then we got after it, like we always get after it.  It was fun, it was loving and I felt soooo good with his dick up inside me where it belongs.  We had been at it for several hours, spooning on the sofa, watching the Carol Burnett Show.  Jimmy was behind me, slowly moving to keep hard, but not enough for him to orgasm… He left the orgasms to me, and I was cruising along in of one of those prolonged periods where I had many, many little orgasms, one right after the other.  Carol Burnett was over and some other show was on, but Jimmy just kept me and himself riding along the edge until Pops came home from work. 

I needed to talk to Pops in the worst way, but he had someone with him.  “Well, look who’s here!” he said jovially.  “My favorite teen wet dream!”  He then turned to his date and told her, “This is my son and his girlfriend.  Isn’t she beautiful! You want to watch them or should we send them off to bed?”  The young woman was clearly embarrassed, not only for herself, but for me as well. 

Pops then turned to us and told us, “Take it to the bedroom, kids.”  Being good boys and girls, Jimmy and I moved into his bedroom and shut the door.  I know Pops’ date stayed, because we heard her howling a little later on. 

I went home around mid-morning without talking to Pops, as the woman was still there in bed with him.  I decided that I’d just call Pops at work later in the day and lay it all on the line. 

Neither Joan nor Pepper were home when I first got there; they were out doing something in my car.  Mama was there drinking her coffee.  She was her usual friendly self to me.  She had to know that I had shacked up last night, but she didn’t say anything… literally, she didn’t say anything to me, she just acted like I wasn’t even there.

Later in the day, Pepper came to see me in my room.  Almost immediately a tear ran down her cheek.  I asked her what the matter was.

“Yesterday, after you left… Nick came over.”

“Nick?  Nick Melancon?”

“Joan had just gone out on a date and…”

“Joan wasn’t here?”

“No, she wasn’t.  Nick asked to see you and I told him you weren’t here.”  She paused and then quickly said, “He said, 'Dat’s okay, Cher.  I really wanted to see you.'  He’s always been nice to me, so when he asked if he could come in, I let him.  We talked for awhile and he told me how he thought I was the prettiest of us and that he really wanted to get to know me. He was so sweet and polite.  First thing I knew he had kissed me.  I kissed him back and one thing led to another and… He fucked me, Terri! He promised he’d pull out, but he didn’t!  He came inside me. I told him I wasn’t protected and he just said, ‘Dats your problem, cher, not mine.’  Then he did me again!  He did me three, maybe four times, and he came inside me!”

I had wondered why my bed was messed up when I got home this morning and now I know.  Nick had fucked my little sister in my bed!  The bastard!

“When is your period due?” I asked her.

“Not for two weeks.  I’m going to get pregnant, Terri!  I know I will.  How could I not get pregnant?”

“Did he force you?”

“No, not really.  Not the first time.  I tried to get him to stop after that, but he wouldn’t.  He just kept doing me over and over again, until he suddenly had enough and went home.  He said he’s coming back tonight, and maybe doing a double header with you and me.  What should I do?”

I wasn’t at all sure what she should do, other than not being here when Nick came to do her. It is one thing to have sex with one guy, but I have no illusions that he’d gladly use Pepper like he used me, as a place for all his friends to put their cocks.  I couldn’t let that happen… not to Pepper.  But what should I do?  How do I protect her? The only thing I could think of was getting the hell away from the house before Nick showed up with six or ten of his buddies, so I took Pepper with me to Jimmy’s.

 Jimmy was surprised when he got home and found Pepper with me.  I know he was expecting just me, but I couldn’t leave her home to be raped.  Always the gentleman and hopelessly inept in the kitchen, Jimmy took us out to eat. 

When we got back, it was clear that he was uncomfortable.  Maybe uncomfortable is not the right word.  Jimmy’s always been friendly with Pepper and she adores him.  I guess he’d been thinking of sex all day while at work and then when he thinks it’s dick-dipping time, I have my little sister there as a chaperone!  I didn’t dare tell him why I had Pepper with me, as I know he’d done something stupid and either he or Nick would have been hurt… I suspect it would have been Nick, and that would be fine with me, but who knows… Guys can be such hotheads and those two have never gotten along.   

So we sat, watched TV and made small talk, about the only talk Jimmy’s knows.  I hadn’t called Pops either, and when he came in, thankfully alone, it wasn’t a good time to discuss my problems at home; I had Pepper to worry about.  Pops was in his element, flirting with both me and with Pepper. Sometimes he got a bit racy and caused Pepper to blush.  He loved seeing that! 

I felt it was safe to go home around eleven, as Nick needed his sleep before working all day.  I had my car and we drove home.  When we left Pops and Jimmy, I was nowhere nearer a solution to my dilemma than when I first arrived at Jimmy’s.  Suddenly it was all very clear.  I knew what I could do.  I’d fix that bastard.

I sent Pepper up to bed and made a phone call to Jenny, the Madame who ran the escort service I had worked for when Vito was controlling my life. Jenny was really happy to hear from me and immediately wanted to know if I was looking for work.  I told her no, but that I had a problem, a big problem.  She listened and said she could help.  I gave her Nick’s address, what he looked like, what kind of car he drove, when he went to work, when he came home and anything else I knew.  

I asked her about Pepper’s problem and she said that I should take all of my birth control pills and give to them to Pepper all at once. That would prevent a fertilized egg from attaching to the uterus.  She said she had it on good advice that this worked very well, but she couldn’t guarantee anything.

I woke Pepper up and had her swallow a fistful of birth control pills.  I had a fresh pack, so that should do the trick.  I had done all I could do for her and went to bed. 

Sometime during the night, I started my period!  What a relief!  I wasn’t pregnant with Jax’s bastard baby!  I was happy, but Pepper wasn’t out of the woods yet and that tempered my joy.  I guess tomorrow night, at Jimmy’s, it will be oral and anal sex.  I know he won’t mind and Pops sure won’t.  Of course I still have Pepper to worry about.

That was yesterday.  Today, Jenny called me and told me the problem was taken care of and that Pepper would never be bothered by Nick again.  She didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask.  She then told me that she had a gig for me tonight.  I told her that I really didn’t want to get involved with Vito’s crowd ever again and she told me that I would be working for her, and not some pimp like before.  I told her that I had just started my period, and she accepted that, but she also told me to pack my bags and move in to her house when I’m ready for work.  Again I tried to beg off, but she reminded me that I owed her, that she was short handed and that I’d make a ton of money before college started in the fall. 

When I hung up the phone, I had to cry.  I was to be a working whore again, fucking any dude who had enough money to buy my body for the night.  My dreams of reconciliation with Jimmy are over.  It can never be.  I have cried all day. 

Jenny was true to her word.  I am making more money than I ever did working for Vito.  The gigs aren’t too bad either.  Jenny’s very particular about  who she sends us out with and they all have been nice to me, lawyers and professional types stepping out for an evening with an attractive  young lady who will not say ‘no’.  Few have been very good in bed, but my enjoyment is secondary.

I finally found out what happened to Nick.  I asked Jenny and she asked if I really wanted to know.  I did and she told me, “I’ve heard some rumors…”  The rumors being that when he woke up to go to work that morning, they were waiting for him.  They being some of Vito’s old associates.  They followed him for a while and then they cut him off.  They drove him out to someplace along the Bonneville Spillway, beat him up and set fire to his car.  They didn’t want to kill him, just hurt him and after leaving him to the gators, someone made an anonymous call to the sheriff’s office about a burning car.  They broke a leg, broke an arm and messed his face up real good.  From what I’ve heard, he will have some serious facial scars.  I have a good idea exactly who “they” are as “they” have been getting freebees from me whenever they feel a need. 

Of course I haven’t seen Nick and neither has Pepper, but I talked to Jimmy on the phone and he told me that he’d heard that some guys took Nick for ride and that he  was hurt pretty badly.  He also heard that he was recovering somewhere around Lafayette and had no plans for returning to the New Orleans area anytime soon.  Of course I played dumb and didn’t let on that I was responsible.   Really didn’t want him to be hurt that much, but it serves that bastard right!

Jenny kept to her word and has let me leave her employ. I made a ton of money being an “escort.  All I had to do was act happy that yet another strange man was fucking me; that and fucking more faceless creeps than I care to remember.  

During this time I haven’t made any journal entries because to keep a diary is strictly against house rules.  Jenny doesn’t want us girls leaving behind a paper trail of who, what, when and she was very strict about it. 

Now that I’m back home and packing to leave, Mama is being particularly nasty towards me, calling me a whore in front of both Joan and Pepper.  I am a whore, but she didn’t need to do that.  When I told her I was taking my car with me to OU, she became unglued, saying that the car wasn’t mine and all that.  Wasn’t mine?  Daddy gave me that car and then I paid for that car… on my back! Oh, the hell with it and the hell with her!  I know how to get another car when I need one.

Jimmy is taking me out to dinner tonight.  That in itself was a big surprise.  I can hardly wait; it will be just like what I’ve doing since the beginning of July!  That’s not fair, but I don’t know what I’m going to say to him.  That I’ll miss him?  He won’t believe that, not for minute, so I guess we’ll just fuck afterwards and leave it at that.  I’m used to that.  Is it too much to hope for that he treats me like he always does, and not like the cheap piece of fuck meat that I am.

Jimmy, if you actually read this (which I doubt) know that I loved you from the bottom of my heart.  But, you must understand, to be reborn I need to leave the past in the past and that includes you, it includes your dad and it includes my sweet sister, Pepper. 

Love,

Terri