A Work In Progress

Chapter Twenty-One: A Sort of Remembering

I didn't sleep much that night. I kept thinking about Mari's touch. I wondered what it meant. I could not sleep did it mean she was attracted to me? How should I feel about it if she was? I would like to say this was a result of the change in gender I had been subjected to, but even as big a player as I had been early on in my life, I had lain awake before trying desperately to determine what a small gesture of kindness might mean, really. The truth was I could not find out how Mari felt until I talked to her about it. I finally fell into a restless sleep and in the morning we talked about what we were going to be doing that evening, as it was a weekend. Somewhere between the restless sleep and the pleasant company of a morning conversation, I forgot to ask her until I was in my office for the day. I could not talk to her about it at work, so I decided to leave it for now and we could talk later on.

The problem I was having with it all was a mix of my mind. On the one hand, I was more than a little surprised that Mari had done that and the old mind was aroused that she had. As a man, it did not take much to get me aroused, but there were a few areas that it was more likely to get me in that state. I was discovering that the female body had many more of those areas than I was aware of. While as a man, more or less from head to toe was one erogenous zone, these areas, as a woman, provided a far more intense sensation and a deeper response. I could feel the tingle brought by Mari’s touch for hours after. While as a woman I loved the intimate relationship we had, being able to talk about anything, the still male mind inside me wanted hot sweaty moaning sex with her. It put me in a a dichotomous state leaving me horny for her and completely unwilling to act for fear I would loose her as a companion.

I think I was starting to understand how it was not always a brush off for a woman to prefer to be friends with man. I sure did not want to loose someone I had been counting on for support lately, even if I had been trying to screw her over before. There was certainly a part of me that now wanted to try being with her in a physical relationship, but I could not risk losing the friendship with her.

To say it weighed on me at the time would have been an understatement, but there was something else in the turmoil in my mind as well. I wanted to tell her the whole truth now, I had before but now I wanted to more than ever. Now the thought of telling her my secret was more troubling than telling her that her brief touch, gentle and sweet, had aroused me. Most likely she had not intended to get me heated up only to save me embarrassment, at least a little. Telling her I had been a man just a few days before, when clearly everyone believed I had always been a woman, was certain to make her avoid me.

I just did not know what to do about any of it.

Oddly, I had the feeling that Mari was avoiding me at the office. It all just seemed to leave me chasing rabbits around my head and work was a decent distraction until I could actually talk to her and see where we stood.