Advices and advisors

“I can't believe you are fucking him.” Of course, I also couldn't believe she was not fucking me, because I had a major crush on her. But either she did not notice or--what seemed much more plausible--she didn't care.

“How...” She was genuinely surprised, wondering how I found out. Well, I was working late yesterday and saw his hand on her ass as they went to his car. But she was soon back to her usual self. “It's none of your business.” She knew there was no use in denying it to me. I took another puff of the cigarrette, pretending to be cool and keeping my tone of voice low and calm.

“For Christ's sake, Jodie, he's your advisor. And he is married.”

“I told you it's none of your business.”

I could almost read her mind: “It's not my problem. I've got nothing to loose.” How in hell could I love this girl? I should be glad that she does not want me.

“He has kids, two kids. But you know that, don't you.”

I knew that would get to her. She had told me her father had left her family when she was a kid, apparently for another woman.

“Fuck you, Archie,” she shouted to my face.

“I can't understand you, you know,” I said, getting the pack out of my pocket.

“Give me one of those,” she said, extending her arm. I handled her the pack and lighted her cigarette. I kept myself quiet, staring at her, knowing I'd get more in her nerves doing that than doing anything else. “Shit, Archie. You are a pain in the ass.” I just shrugged.

“Whatever. I just wanted to know why; is it because he is a professor? Because he's married and you thought it would be a challenge?”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Why, then?”

“It's none of your business!”

“Jodie, don't be stupid.”

“I'm not stupid. You know what, this conversation is over.”

I watched her go away, throwing her cigarette away after a few steps. I almost ran to her and apologized, I almost held her and told her I loved her, that I'd do anything for her. But I didn't.

Then we met again, a couple days later. She was still mad and tried to ignore me, but she couldn't help herself. She turned around and came to talk to me.

“You don't know what is not to be loved, Archie.”

And went away.

Sometimes I wonder if we are not all being very stupid in this life, suffering just because we don't speak our minds.