Chapter One: Suicide

Dear Diary,

It has been some time now. Over a year. I last wrote when I was in 6th grade. I had the biggest crush on this one girl from the 11th grade. I know, you think I'm weird for having a crush on a girl, and an older one at that, but no one at school knew this side of me back then. Not even myself.

Her name was Sophie LeDoux. Her name had been weird to me because it didn't exactly sound right. But later she told me it's French and came from her grandfather who emigrated many years ago.

As I write her name down now, a piercing agony spreads throughout my whole body. Sophie didn't notice me that year in 6th grade. I was the quiet one. The book-worm. Always had the latest fiction novel in my hands.

It was about a year later that she noticed me, when I was in 7th grade. I wasn't popular in high school; I'm still not. There I sit at the library fifth period, shying away from the crowded lunch area. I just finished the book I was reading based on my favourite anime, Strawberry Panic. I had nothing else to read, so I decided to look around the library. Something caught my eye, or more my attention. It was the only book unread by me on the subject of polar bears. They are my favourite animals. I was reaching for it but I wasn't tall enough. The next thing I knew, she was right there beside me with the book in her hands. Here you go, she had said with a smile on her face. I told her, thanks.

There's something more, right? Well, no. Nothing happened at all. The bell had just went off, I signed the book out and practically ran to my next class.

But I guess none of that matters now. All the memories: shattered. All the kisses: no longer exist. All the late night talks: seem so distant. All the long hugs and cuddles in her arms: just a shadow of the past. But, and yes there is one of these, she has never gone from my mind, not even once, since she told me we could no longer be.

You know, some lovers should consider themselves lucky. At least when the one they love is gone form their lives, they aren't technically gone. You still see them every single day. What I wouldn't give to just see a fraction of her for each day. Because worse than seeing the one you love every day, being happy and without you, it's much worse for them to just completely disappear out of your life all together. No matter how much you miss her, you'll never be able to see her again. No matter how much you want to hear her voice, you'll never be able to talk to her. No matter how much you want to touch her, you'll never feel her warmth. All that's left are memories that grow hazier and further away as days go by.

Nicky

"Nicky, dinner is ready," my father called from downstairs. I used to think he was a bad father. But now, he seems perfect. He doesn't care that I cry myself to sleep each night. He doesn't care that I'm about ready to kill myself every time I see something that reminds me of her. He can't stop going out and getting drunk to care or even notice me. And right now, I'm grateful for it.

We were having take-out Chinese food. Yum. When he said dinner is ready it actually means I'm home from the take-out store.

"Honey, what happened to your school uniform and your hair?"

"Um, I kind of don't care about either one of them," I told him, rolling my eyes.

"Oh, well you should care. No boy is ever going to want you looking as you do now."

"Dad, I seriously wish you would listen to me for just this once. I like girls. I tell you that every day at about the same time as this."

He gave me a look as if saying, please-just-stop-with-your-little-charade. "Stop that, Nicole." Like him using my full name would empathize his words or something. "What about, Darren? What happened to him, Nicky?"

Why do I even bother speaking to this man? I know this conversation front and back, very clearly. He has to know that his words have an effect on me. I hate him for it. And every night I make sure he knows it.

"Dad? Why don't you just go ahead, sneak out and find a woman that is willing enough to take a second glance at you?"

Slap! It's like deja vu. The same exact words every night. And at the end I can't stomach it to eat and there is always a red mark imprinted of a man's hand across my cheek.

"To your room, now!" he pointed upstairs, as if that had a fatherly effect to it. He was just plainly pathetic. He never cared about anyone but himself. He enjoys people at their worst. I would have run away too, if I was in a marriage with him for over fifteen years.

That's what happened to my mom. I believe she honestly did love him. But he took her love for granted. He cheated on her, minute by minute. She knew he was unfaithful. But she didn't know what to do. She loved him like crazy; she simply couldn't just let him go. Until one day it just boiled over when she had a breakdown and disappeared without a trace, leaving me alone with him, and so it's been like this now ever since.

I miss her like crazy. But, I understand now. I comprehend what it feels like to love someone with the whole of your being and them not loving you back. It's a horrible, wretched feeling. A feeling one should never go through.

I see her in my daydreams. She's the one I tell everything to. I told her the first time Sophie and I kissed. The first time Sophie told me she loved me. And I told her when Sophie said goodbye.

I don't spend holidays with my dad. I either spend them alone, closed behind the walls of my bedroom, or in my daydreams with my mom. Suicide, I always thought it was insane. I always concluded that if people were willing to give up their life, they were merely stupid and didn't appreciate what they had. But emotions, they're very important part of us. If not the strongest. They don't come from the mind, but our heart, our soul.

I understand that part. I may have thoughts that I want to die. But I, myself, would never stop my heart from beating. It's better to be here alive with the pain, than be dead with numbness.

Chapter Two: Numbness

"Nicky, can you check in the books that have just returned?" The library is where I spend most of my time, besides my dark bedroom.

"Sure, Mrs. Smith. Oh, I wanted to ask you something. Do you know if Lang Leav's book is out yet?"

"Which one?" Mrs. Smith was always on top of everything. She would be my soulmate, well for books anyway.

"It is 'Love and Misadventure'."

"As a matter of fact, it is out. It just got released last Tuesday. I should have it by her name on the bookshelf, if you want it."

"No, that's okay. I was just checking; I have to do homework immediately after school so I'll read it later."

"Okay, well I have to go to the staff meeting. But you're okay in here, right?"

"Absolutely." And with that I was by myself. As usual.

Ever since Sophie left I'd been into strange books. I've never read poetry or romance before. But that is all I'm into now. I'm into love stories, all of them. Historical, contemporary, futuristic. Mythology of love, I guess you could say. The darkness and the pain of love. It's not the characters that carry me in. There is always a love story behind them. It's what I love, hearing about these different loves. Most of them are soulmates. A strong connection where nothing could get between them, not even death.

I guess lately, I've changed. I hear people whisper that I've gone to the 'dark side,' whatever that means. Unlike the other girls my age, I don't dress up to impress the boys. I'd only ever needed to impress one, and she's not here.

I do talk to someone, though. She's my best friend. And she's always there for me. Her name is Hannah but I called her Anna. It suits her better. We are actually sort of perfect for each other. She's an inspiring writer and I've always been in love with the text. Only, there seems to be a problem on each side. Me, I would never fall in love with anybody else; my heart will always love Sophie. And as for Anna, her heart won't ever love a girl.

"Hey, Nicky. We are going to be, uh, late for the world history class. I heard we are watching a video about Renaissance and DaVinci today. Yummy history!"

"I'm coming, Anna!" I stocked the last shelf and hurried out with Anna to history class.

"I told you not to call me that. Only when we're alone, like when there's no one in the library or you're home by yourself."

"I'm sorry..."

"Hey," she spun me around to look me in the eye with a serious expression, "are you doing okay?"

I just shook my head. "We're going to be late." She murmured something that sounded like 'never'.

We did indeed watch a video about DaVinci. The whole twenty-five minutes of it. We then had to write an essay about his life. I swear, Anna was done with hers in mere seconds while it took me the rest of the period.

"Can I come over today?"

"Not today, Anna. I have to do homework after school. And that new book just came out. So I'll be occupied."

"Oh, okay. You'll be content for about twenty-four hours. How about tomorrow?"

"I guess that will be fine," I told her. Anna knew not to speak of her. Anna was the only one there for me when Sophie left, the only one that has always been there for me. In a way she was my sister, my brother, my mom, my dad, and my best friend all put together in one.

"Are you up for a movie?" always trying to make me feel better.

"Not really. I'm not up for anything, to be honest." Anna was walking with me to the school gate. The final bell just went off and soon we would part our different ways.

"I hate seeing you like this, Nicky. It rips me up inside."

"Please don't...don't bring it up," I whispered through tight lips.

"I know you love her. And I know you miss her. But she left, Nicky. I don't think she's coming back."

"Anna..." I paused, and swallowed, my throat heavy, while tears spilled over. "How am I going to get through this? When I don't want to? You want me to forget her, and I can't. She's a part of me and that part got shredded, but the memory, the feeling is still there. I just can't pretend that it's not."

"How can you live with it? I know you still feel the pain of her absence. But wouldn't it be better to be numb? To have no feeling at all? I hate seeing you like this. I feel like if somebody says the wrong thing, you're just going to melt away."

"I'm not saying I like the pain. But the pain is there because of her. Any day now I feel like...like if I let it go to numbness, she's going to fade. The memory of her will just be gone. You don't know what I'd give to see her. To see her black hair and sea-green eyes and her bright smile. If I let it go to numbness, I'm telling my heart that I've given up. I can't do that. So, yes, pain is my only option." My tears were heavy now and I knew my face was blotchy red.

"I'm sorry," Anna whispered.

"It's okay," I tried to smile. Unsuccessfully. "I love you, but I have to get home. My Dad..."

"I know... Call me later."

"I will."

I walked home, my eyes burning as the clouded sun shone towards me. Maybe Anna was right. Maybe I meant little to Sophie and I should let numbness take over. But I was still hoping. Praying that she'd come back and make my pain wash away with her love, then there would be nothing but happiness. No numbness and no pain.

Chapter Three: Beginnings

Dear Diary,

Reminiscing is supposed to help. But, does it really? Because I let my memories go back and they just urge on the pain. For instance, after the first time Sophie actually saw me that day in the library. It became continuous. She started coming every day to the library. Every day the same period. It started out that she would come five minutes earlier. Then the time would just increase as the days passed. And then Sophie just skipped lunch all together and come to the library instead.

There was never anybody there, except for me. Then, there she was. Skipping lunch to hang out in the library. At first she just sat on the reading chair and read silently. Then, as she came for the whole period she helped with the library work.

She had said, "You don't mind that I'm here, do you?"

And like Plain Nicky, I just shook my head. But that seemed to be enough for her. Not only did she help with the work, she actually wanted to have a conversation with me. At first she just said a casual hello, and then the talk just seemed to get deeper and deeper.

One time she mentioned the first day we formally met. "So, uh, are you into manga and stuff? The first day we met you signed out the edition of 'Kisses, Sighs, and Cherry-Blossom Pink'."

That's how we got to know one another. Just by her asking that question. My answer being: "Yea, kind of. Not any manga though. Just Yuri." I remember blushing when I said that and tried to bail myself out. "But besides that, I'm really just into stories."

From then on, we asked each other various questions until we knew each other inside and out. Her favourite colour orange, while mine is green. She's more into rock music, while I like J-Pop. We knew everything about each other. We could write biographies on one another.

I remember our first date. I was only thirteen but it never occurred to me to question myself why I shouldn't go out on a date with another girl. After all the manga I've read, it felt like a natural thing to do. We were in the library when she asked.

"So, Nicky, um, what are the plans for today?"

"What? Oh, nothing really. Heading home, homework, and then probably some reading. How about you?"

"Oh, well nothing now. It's Friday. And I was sort of hoping I could take the prettiest girl I know on a first date. But you see, I've got to know her and I actually think I might be in love with her if she ever gave me a chance. But, there's a problem, you see, she doesn't even give a second glance in my direction."

I was blushing by then, of course. I mean, did she seriously just call me pretty and tell me she could possibly be in love with me someday. I said, "W- Who is this girl? I'll kick her in the butt for not noticing you!"

She smiled, "There are few complications with that one. First, I'd kill anyone who ever tried to hurt her. And two, it's kind of hard to kick your own butt. Don't you think, Nicky?"

"You're just being silly. What did I tell you about that? I always say, don't be ridiculous, Sophie."

"I'm not being silly or ridiculous. I love spending time with you. School's almost out and I won't have this lunch hour to spend with you anymore. So we have to get used to me and you outside the school library."

I wasn't giving in so easily. Why would she want to spend any sort of time with me? "Why, Sophie? Why do you want to spend this hour with me? And why in hell would you want to be with a thirteen-year-old kid even more outside?"

"Nicky, I'm afraid you just gave yourself the answer. But don't worry, I'll say it. You ask why I want to be with you. The answer is simple. I want to be with you, that's it. All there is to it. Your age only makes you even more adorable. If you would like, I will get down on me knee and ask you to go on a date with me."

"I have to go. I'm going to be late. I'll see you Monday."

"No, she'll see you tonight at her place around six thirty," the voice came from the door I was about to exit. It was Anna.

"Perfect. See you later, Nicky."

And that was that. Anna thought she had pulled off her little demon trick perfectly. Little did they both now, I wasn't out of the game. Anna helped me get ready. And she looked pretty good herself. It was about six and Sophie would be there soon. Anna spoke up.

"Well, I have to go. Wouldn't want to ruin the first date."

"Anna you're not going to ruin it because you're a part of it. You signed me up without including me. So, I'm doing the same with you."

"What are you talking about, Nicole?"

"I'm talking that this isn't a two person date. It's a three."

"Oh, no. You know you like her. I can't interfere with that."

"Yes. Yes, you are. I've never been on a date before and I'm petrified. I need some help here, Anna. I just need you to come along for support if something goes wrong. And besides, if she can handle the test that is most important to me, that will get to my heart, I'll know she's for real. So, please just do this. Just this once. I'll love you forever, Anna."

"Fine. Okay, but you so owe me a banana split from the ice cream shop. Deal?"

"Deal."

We met Sophie outside. "Hey, Nicky. You look beautiful as always. Hi, Anna," she acknowledged my best friend.

"Sorry about this. I kind of got suckered into this. It won't happen again though. Right, Nicky?"

"Correct, Anna. Maybe I, too, won't get suckered into this again. So, Sophie, what are we doing?"

"How about we watch a movie, then find something to snack. Is that okay?"

"Yes, sure," the three of us went strolling off into the young night. And I went off playing my tricks. I had Sophie on my left and Anna on my right. I, purposely, reached over and put my hand in Anna's. Sophie looked over and immediately tensed. We talked casually, until the movie started. Then, at the end, Anna excused herself to the bathroom. And Sophie let me have it.

"Why did you even agree to come? Did you think I was stupid or pathetic? I like you, Nicky, a lot. But you... you already have a girlfriend. I feel like a moron. I was wrong, like you'd ever be single," she threw up her hands in defeat.

"Sophie. First, I don't have a girlfriend. Second, you're far from stupid or pathetic. And third, I like you too."

Then came Anna. "And fourth, let's see if you will pass the test. Well, that's really not the fourth. The real one is that I like boys."

"Oh... You do?"

"She's straight. As in doesn't like girls."

Anna interceded. "It does matter, actually. Because excepting the thing she cares about the most is like the golden ticket to her heart." Anna looked from my angry expression to Sophie's grinning one. "Sorry, to break it up, but I've got to get home. Call me later Nicky."

The date wasn't over but it was only two of us then. Sophie walked us to a tiny pancake shop at the mall. We didn't talk for a while. Sophie spoke first.

"Do you not like me that way or something?"

"No. I mean I do. I like you. More than I should. But I just don't get it. Why me? Out of all the older girls at school, you picked a dorky little kid like me?"

"You're not like other girls. You don't throw yourself at the first guy or girl who steps in your path. You don't try to impress anyone. You're adorable, sweet, funny, and smart. And of course, beautiful. You may be only thirteen, Nicky, but you're the prettiest girl I've seen around. You're you down to the core. I love everything about you."

"Okay."

"Okay. As in okay we can give this a try?"

"Okay. As in if you break my heart I'll never forgive you."

"Okay, well it's getting pretty late. I should take my princess home."

She walked me home, holding my hand. Her fingers entwined with mine the whole time.

"Tonight was good," I told Sophie.

"Yes, it was. Can tomorrow be good, too?"

"Of course it can."

That's how I fell in love with Sophie LeDoux. That first date did it for me. Even if I wanted to get out while it was safe, I couldn't. Because the day that she had walked into that library, my heart was hers. Hers to do with whatever she wanted. But she did something I'll never forget. I told her that night not to break my heart. And she ended up doing it anyway.

Nicky

Months passed this way in which I felt like nothing around me was real or mattered anymore. I couldn't care less if I disappeared from the planet. Going to school, doing homework, studying, having fights with my Dad.... those were only routines I went through without feeling any emotions attached to them.

When I came home from school one day, the house was empty. No sign of that thing I'm supposed to call my father. The answering machine was blinking. My heart skipped a beat. I always had this thin line of hope that she would call just once. Maybe to say she was sorry or that she'd never once forgotten me. But of course, it wasn't her.

It was Anna. "Hi Nicole. I'm really mad at you. As if you couldn't tell from me using your full name. Just do one thing for me. Enter the kitchen, turn left and tell me today's date. I'll give you a minute to do so... Yes, that is correct. December twenty-first. And no it is not the first day of Winter. It's your birthday and I'll be there to celebrate. I love you and I'm on my way."

The message was timed exactly ten minutes ago. I knew it was too late to get out now.

I answered the door when I heard Anna knock. "Hey, Anna. I know you want me to be all happy. But I'm not," I told her, my voice anything but alive.

"Hey, you're fourteen and you didn't even realise it? Now, I've got you a cake. You don't even eat anymore and you're turning into a skinny ghost. No one likes skinny ghosts so I hope you still like cakes though. Indulge for once. It will make you feel better. My mom does it every time I feel down."

"If that is supposed to be funny, it's not. I'll kill anyone who makes you feel sad. That's a promise," I meant every word.

"Anyway, where's your dad at?" Anna looked around waiting for him or something, I assumed.

"He's probably at the Corner Bar getting drunk with his buddies."

"He's not that bad. Anyway, I noticed your face was kind of red or swollen earlier. What happened?"

"That person you say is not that bad. You know the food conversation? He asks me why I pretend to like girls. I tell him I don't pretend. It's a fact. He brings mom's name up, calls me a slut just like her. I tell him he's a drunk asshole. I get this in return," I pointed to the fresh bruise on my face.

"I'm sorry, Nicky," she reached out to smooth me. "You should really tell someone if he hurts you. You don't have to go through this."

I dodged her unwanted comforting. "Don't tell me what to do. I don't really care what happens to me." The second time today. These tears were just relentless.

"Okay, it's time for birthday wish."

"Anna, you know I don't believe in this stuff. Anything magical disappeared a long time ago."

"Please just blow out the candles, Nicky," Anna motioned toward the candles.

"Okay, I apologise about my mood, Anna. I really just want to be alone. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Just know I'm here for you. Make you a deal. You make a wish and blow out the candles, and in return I let you be by yourself."

"Deal, Anna." There were fourteen candles lit. Anna went to shut off the lights. I knew what I would wish for if anything. So I made it. I wish that I could see her again. And then I blew out the candles. Happy Birthday to me.

"I'll see you on Monday, Anna. I love you."

"I love you, too. And Nicky? Please stop thinking about bad things. It just makes you worse."

"I'll try."

After doing the dishes, I turned all the lights off and headed for the shower. I tried very hard not to think while standing under the steaming water. It worked a little. I put on my favourite pair of sweats and a black tank top, getting ready for bed.

I opened the bedroom door slowly. And there she was. Dressed in a grey v-neck and blue jeans, there she was lounging carelessly across my bed.

"Happy Birthday, Nicky," she smiled my favourite grin of hers, and then closed her green eyes. As she did so, she vanished, disappeared.

Chapter Four: Firsts

Dear Diary,

I must be crazy. Right? There is no other logical explanation. Are my daydreams becoming so real? Well one thing is for sure, she wasn't real. A person can't just be there one second, and then disappear out of thin air the next. Last night, as I tried to lay in bed, my mind couldn't help but wander. And even though I would pay the price for this later, I went back to the past, which is a hell of a lot better than the present.

After our first date, I felt like I was floating on the clouds. I was so happy. When I woke up the next morning, there was a message on the answering machine. I thought it was probably Sophie to tell me where to meet her for our date today. I was wrong. Well, it was Sophie. But she was calling to cancel. She said her brother was sick and that she and her family had to go up where he lived to visit him. So, needless to say, I was let down. I didn't see her until Monday, the same time as usual.

I didn't even know where she came from when she glomped me from behind.

Squeeeeeze... "Got you!"

"Great," I moaned as the books in my hands scattered on the floor.

"I'm so sorry," she told me. Then she picked me up again, wearing one of those smiles and said, "I missed you, Nicky-chan!"

I melted like an icecream in her hug and whispered back, "I missed you, too, Sophie."

The rest of the time in the library was just us talking. Then sooner or later, we did everything together. We always offered Anna to come. But almost always she rejected the offer. Which only left us. Nicky and Sophie. Sophie and Nicky.

We used to go everywhere. The local park, just to sit and watch the sun under blooming cherry blossoms. The zoo to admire the animals. We almost always went on walks, hand in hand, just talking and being silly. My life was perfect, then. All I wanted was her. And now I know it was also a need.

The first kiss. It wasn't right away. We were actually doing homework. It was sunny outside and I was on my way to the park. I've always had this idea that doing school work is much better doing it outside instead of inside a dull house all day. Almost like the pictures you see in school brochures. I was almost at the park when Sophie called.

"Nicky, what are you doing?" Sophie was away for the weekend, again. Her brother was still sick. I got that, but I still missed seeing her every day.

"I'm on my way to the park. Why?"

"No reason. I was just wondering. Anyway, I'll see you later." That was that; I didn't think anything of it. Then, about five minutes later I hear her screaming my name. "Nicky! Nicky! Nickeeeee!!" I turned to look, she was a couple feet behind me, but she didn't show any sign of slowing down. I got up slowly and two seconds later she reached me, picked me up off my feet and held me in a bear hug.

"Sophie?" I breathed, when finally I could speak. "I thought you went to go visit your brother."

"I did, we just got back and well, here I am," she smiled, panting from running all the way.

"I have to get this homework done, so I'm not going to be much company."

"You're company just being here. And plus, I know you. I knew what you would be doing out here, so I brought my homework, too."

"Oh, okay. That works."

It was kind of hard to get any of our homework done with only one working hand. This is a result of our hands being constantly intertwined and incapable to work. However, it eventually got done and I was cuddled in Sophie's arms watching the beautiful sundown.

We were both in silence. Just the sound of the world continuing with its day and the softness of Sophie's thumb caressing my fingers that she held.

"What are you thinking about, cuddle bunny?" she asked.

"You and me, together, forever and always," I told her jokingly, but deep down I was serious. She didn't respond in any way. Except, that she started caressing my hair.

By this time it was getting dark. I lifted my head to see her beautiful face. She was already looking at me, though. She then scooted me up so I was in her lap. She caressed the side of my face, then took it gently between her hands and softly touched my lips to hers.

My first kiss by the first girl I have ever loved.

I didn't have school today. It was Saturday and I had nothing to do. I wasn't ready to start my new book. So, instead I pulled on my headset and listened to music. Not like that kept my mind away from her. If anything, my mind focused even more on that subject.

Lately, I've stopped listening to my old happy J-Pop and instead turned to dark and gloomy music or music I don't even think it has a genre. It was depressing but comforting at the same time.

"You know, you really shouldn't listen to that stuff," the voice came from my bed. I would have screamed if the voice wasn't the one I craved by invoking it in my daydream.

"You know, you really shouldn't sneak up on people," I glanced in her direction. She wasn't wearing the same thing. Instead she was wearing a grey hoodie with dark jeans. But there was something I noticed that I didn't before. She didn't look like a human should. The physical appearance wasn't human, more like a ghost. A hallucination. Was I finally going mad? Could daydreams become so real?

"Why are you here?" I asked her, but not looking in her direction. The pain still ceased to exist when I was thinking of her, let alone an actual appearance.

"That kind of hurt my feelings." I looked over as she put a hand to her heart.

"Don't talk to me about feelings and hurt," I said as I thumbed the ring on my finger. I looked over but nobody was there. Where she sat just a second ago, now was an empty space. There was no trace of her anywhere.

I willed myself to daydream as hard as I could but nothing ever happened again.

Chapter Five: The Ring

I made her visit me several times throughout the weekend in my daydreams. And at one point or another she vanished each time. One second she was there, then I turn my head and she's gone.

I know I'm being delusional. But, it was the best weekend I'd had in months.

The second time she came was the best. It was Saturday night. I had just come out of the shower and I was all settled in bed. Saturdays were anime days for me, always. There I sat with my tea and two chocolate chip cookies. It was a good night to rewatch some old series, I thought. It was one of those days when I wanted to remember all the good ones. Strawberry Panic, my all-time favourite. Kannazuki no Miko, Maria-sama, Candy Boy, Aoi Hana...

The first episode was almost over when she appeared. "Shizuma and Nagisa. Nagisa and Shizuma. Nicky and Sophie. Sophie and Nicky. Seriously, they have nothing on us."

I laughed at that. It was funny because there was no longer an 'us.' There was a Sophie and there was a Nicky, but just singular. Not together. Not anymore.

"So, anyway, what's on next?" she wondered form across the room at my desk. She absently moved the mouse of the computer and her face appeared. The slideshow I put on there long ago was streaming and every five seconds a new one showed up.

"Um, Aoi Hana. But I'm not going to watch it. I'm watching Romeo and Juliet instead."

We sat in silence for a while. Then we started to talk. About nothing, really. Nothing important. We didn't talk about the past, we didn't talk of the relationship. It was the longest she had ever stayed. Romeo and Juliet was almost over when she spoke up again.

"You never did explain to me why you love this particular movie so much. Isn't it about a boy and a girl?"

I tapped my chin lightly, indicating that I had to think. "Well, I don't know. I do know why I like me favourite part, though. They kill themselves by mistake. Both of them. It's not so much about who the lovers are. When Juliet realizes that she has lost her Romeo forever it's all pain and hurt."

She grinned a little. "Why do you like seeing people in pain, even if they are just acting?"

I didn't look at her. Instead I closed my eyes and said the following words slowly, "So they know how I feel." I looked up after a minute and she was gone.

It's Monday night, and I think I've got it. I have hallucinations of Sophie. But there are cautions. One, I can't touch her. Two, I can't bring up anything from the past. Three, I can't ask any questions directing towards her. And lastly, four, no emotions. I can't tell her I'm sad; I can't even express the simplest feeling. Any of these lines are crossed and Sophie is gone. It's the only solution.

Dear Diary,

It's time to remember the reason why I feel empty inside. The cause of why it hurt so much when she left. The time when she said the three little words. And which have been with me ever since.

There was a big snow storm. Some say it was the biggest since the blizzard in 1993. It happened on Valentine's Day. Sophie and her family were having dinner at their family cabin in the woods. We arrived there before the storm turned really out of hand. I came to meet her entire family. And to my surprise, they actually liked me and everyone was so nice to me.

The snow storm became worse and worse. They were blocking off roads and telling everyone to stay inside. I didn't get to go home that night. I had to stay there for the weekend. Not that I minded, of course. I had to be with Sophie and the people she loved.

We were all sitting by the fire. Sophie's mom brought us hot chocolate and had the conversation started. "So, how did you girls meet?"

"Mom, don't do this," Sophie complained. I nudged her in the ribs and then said to her mother, "It's really not an interesting story. Rather boring, actually."

"Well, we have nothing else to talk about. And I'm sure it's interesting. To me, anyway. You two are so adorable together and I'm really happy for you," she smiled at us.

"Okay," I started and reached for Sophie's hand as comfort. "Fifth period lunch, I actually don't spend it in the cafeteria. Instead, I'm in the library. I help the librarian with the books. And so, I did all the work that needed to be done one day. I didn't have a book to read, so I was looking around. Then I saw this book about polar bears that I haven't read yet and I decided to sign it out. There was one problem though. I wasn't tall enough to reach it. Then, Sophie just happened to come into the library at the same time I needed assistance. She took the book down for me and then I left because I was going to be late for my next class. The End," I clapped my hands, closing the story.

Sophie's mom gave me a look as if saying 'That's-it?' "No words exchanged at all?"

"Oh, of course. She said, here you go, and I thanked her."

"What happened then?" her mother was honestly curious.

"Sophie, well she started coming in five minutes before the next class started. She used to just sit and read. Then we started greeting each other. Occasional 'hey'. Then the time started to increase. Soon, she was coming the whole period and helping me with the library work. And we talked. Endlessly!"

Sophie spoke then. "First date, mom. It's funny now, but was disastrous when it actually happened. You want to hear about it?" Sophie's mom eagerly nodded, and then she continued. She told them about the whole night. Everybody laughed and I blushed. Then, we were alone. It was close to midnight. Everybody escalated to their rooms. The entire house was silent. I stared at the flames while resting my head on Sophie's shoulder in our own little bedroom.

"Nicky, I'm sorry about my mom. You know how moms are. She has to know about everything I get up to. But on the plus side, I think she likes you. A lot."

"I like her too, Sophie," I smiled. "I wish my parents were like her. But my dad, he'll never accept me for who I am," I looked out through a small window at the falling snow, wondering if my mom would be different and be as welcoming of Sophie as her mom was of me. I guess I will never find out, with her gone from my life.

"I'm sorry you're trapped in the house for the whole weekend," she whispered in my ear.

"Sophie, I'm not trapped. I'm with you, it's all that matters," I turned so my lips would be on hers. She smiled slightly.

The snow fell steadily, blanketing the roof and window ledges, the wind whistled as it rushed through every tree and branch in its path. But inside our little bedroom, the fire steadily glowed, providing light and warmth for us as we lay in front of it. The winter's chill was so close - just on the other side of the window glass, but for now, right now, with her, in this moment...

I rolled over enough to see her face, but not enough to dislodge her arms wrapped around me. The fire warmed my back and I found myself mesmerized. Her loving eyes, her soft lips, the peaceful dusk all highlighted by the flickering flames... The shadows chased by light caressed her jaw, cheeks and nose. From her brow to circle around her eyes... Constantly in motion. Too quickly for me to really catch...

I bit my lip as I traced her features, marveling once again at her beauty and absolute love reflected in her eyes. But most of all, just taking that all-too-brief moment to fully relax into this reality I shared with the girl I loved more than my own life.

I kissed her, just because I could. Because I wanted to. And then I ducked my head, blushing a bit, biting my lip and smiling at my silly accomplishment. She chuckled, pressing an answering kiss on my skin... Words remained unneeded. Every gesture, every touch, every expression was a reflection of our feelings.

As we basked in the simple pleasure of being with each other; the dancing fire, the biting wind and the relentless snow were a backdrop to this precious moment of being together and in love with each other. A moment of perfection. Our moment. And one of many we could have had.

She got up to spread a blanket on the floor. Once she was done, she beckoned me to come to her side. She found my lips first but then she straightened up suddenly.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing. I just remembered," she was fishing in her jeans for something. "It's Valentine's day. And I'm yours and you are mine. I've got you something." It was a ring. Kind of old fashioned, but perfect for me.

"What is this for?" I whispered to Sophie in the dark, the only lights coming from the small fire.

"I could say it is a gift for Valentine's Day. But the ring isn't your gift."

"What is then?"

She kissed me and then softly whispered, "I love you, Nicky."

"You do?" I asked her unsure.

"Don't you?" she looked a little sad.

I spoke up quickly, "Of course I love you, Sophie. With all my heart."

"So do I, Nicky," she murmured. I was about to say something else but her lips were already locked with mine.

Nicky

As I look down at my ring now, I feel like she should've taken it back. She bought it for me the night she confessed her love for me. She should've taken it when she broke her promise and took her love out of my life.

Chapter Six: The Test

I know I'm breaking one of the cardinal rules of my daydreams. Thou shall never ask daydream a question. I'm in a rare good mood today. I feel alive but still sad in a way, though. I feel like this daydreaming thing, it helps me somehow.

I want to do some experiments with it. Sophie probably won't be around a lot today. This is due to my breaking of the rules.

"Nicky, what did I tell you about the punk-goth-rock stuff? Not good." She appeared on my bed, shaking her head in disapproval.

I might as well get it over with. "Sophie, who is the first girl you have ever loved?"

"My mom, of course, silly," she ginned her mischievous smile.

"Not a family member," I paused to look at her. "Was I the first?" She was still there. I haven't blinked and she hadn't said a word yet.

Finally, I had to blink. When I opened my eyes again, no sign of Sophie.

She came back again later. "Nicky, where's Anna? You two are like inseparable."

"She's out with her loved ones," I told her simply.

"Why aren't you with your loved ones?"

Easy question for me to answer, but it would be at the cost of saying goodbye to my daydream. But, I answered truthfully. "My mother left a year ago. My dad is probably trying to drink himself blind down at his favourite bar when he's not beating the crap out of me. And well, who else do I love? Oh, that's right, she disappeared. The one person I actually loved with all my heart left with no explanation. She didn't love me back, Sophie. She was you."

I looked over at her, knowing I would see nothing.

Dear Diary,

I was so happy with Sophie. The happiest I've ever been in my short life. We were always together, our hands were unseparable. I didn't think we'd ever have a fight. But everybody has a past.

Sophie and I were on our way to the movies when we got ambushed. This guy, very handsome, I must say. He had blond hair, blue eyes and was absolutely gorgeous.

Well, he came out of nowhere, literally. He jumped on Sophie and started saying all this weird stuff. He missed her. He still loved her. And like I said before, he was gorgeous. There would be no competition there. I kept thinking, is Sophie just playing me? Was she making a fool out of me? I was shaking and almost in tears.

Sophie, she never took her eyes off me. My lip was quivering, I knew it. "I'll let you two catch up," I whispered and I walked at a steady pace until I knew it was safe to run. I could have sworn I heard the blonde guy ask Sophie who the kid was.

I ran all the way home. My father wasn't there. I figured my mom, who was still with us back then, would be somewhere, too. I went straight up to my bedroom and did nothing. I had had a plan running home, but that was all. I felt like burning and destroy every thing she had ever given to me. But in the end I didn't have the heart to do it. Instead, I curled up in a ball and went to sleep with my pillow soaked from my tears.

I woke up two hours later. I heard noise. A lot of noise. I didn't understand what it was at first. Then I realised, everything was going off. My cell phone, my computer, the doorbell, the house phone. What the hell, I thought. I picked up my cell phone and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Nicky, I'm so sorry."

"Sophie..." I asked still a bit sleepy. "What do you want?" I managed to say as the previous hours caught up to me.

"Can't I just explain? I'm outside, please come out."

"Sophie, just leave me alone."

"Nicky, please don't do this!"

"Leave, or I'm calling the police. Goodbye, Sophie," I hung up.

I thought that was the worse day of my life. And I was right. After hanging up the phone, I went to my e-mail and deleted every message without checking what each one of them had read. I went downstairs and deleted every message off the answering machine.

Still, nobody was here. Then I noticed a letter sitting on the kitchen table. It was from my mom and apparently addressed to me. It had said:

I'm sorry, Nicole. I want you to know that I do love you. One day I hope you understand. I love your father, but the feeling is not mutual to the full extent. He wants more in his life than just me. And if he gets what he wants, I don't know what I'll do. I can't live without you both in my life. So, I have to leave and find my own life. I love you, Nicole. I'm so sorry.

That was it. I no longer had parents. I just had a dad. I called Anna. "Anna, I need you," I sobbed through the phone. She was there by my side in record time.

My Anna was there for me like she always has been. I was a ghost for days. I didn't talk and I didn't eat. I didn't go to school, either. Anna came by every day after school.

"Hey, Nicky. I have a question for you," she said one day. I simply looked up at her without speaking. "Why did you call me? Why didn't you call Sophie?"

"Sophie, who?" I mumbled.

"Sophie, who? Let's see, maybe Sophie that has been moping around school for the past two weeks. Sophie, who spends all her time in the library hoping to get a glimpse of you. Sophie, who tries to get information about you from me. Maybe Sophie, who doesn't even know you're going through hell. Or maybe Sophie that clearly loves you."

I simply nodded, "I'm tired, Anna."

The next day I was forced to go back to school. To go back and face her. It was the worst fight we've ever had. I was only a confused thirteen-year-old girl and I didn't know what to do. I was going into this completely blind. I didn't know what to expect or what to say. I didn't even know if I still had someone to call mine.

All I knew was those days were hell without Sophie. Not even considering the fact that I just lost my own mother. Was I going to have to lose Sophie, too?

I was half expecting Sophie to relocate to the cafeteria or me choosing the same route. I didn't want to have to face her. But, I found myself motioning towards the library. And she was already there. I didn't look at her. I just went straight to work.

"You're lucky to have a friend like Sophie. She replaced your while you were gone," Mrs. Smith told me as she was heading out to her staff meeting. I simply nodded.

After that it was silence. The tension was thick and the silence was dreadful.

"What's going on right now, Nicky?" Sophie whispered after all the work was done.

"What do you mean?" I asked, hoping my voice wouldn't break.

"This. You and me. You not coming to school because I received an unexpected surprise. You not answering my e-mails, my messages, my phone calls. Look, I'm sorry for whatever I did. Just please tell me how I can fix this."

"Some guy coming up to you. Clinging all over you. Telling you how much he missed you and that he still loves you? How can you fix that, Sophie? Because I'm not seeing it."

"I love you, Nicky. But seriously, I can explain. It's not like I asked for this. I missed you. You, the dorky little kid I love with all my heart. And just because something happened between you and me doesn't mean you have to shy away from me for two weeks. That was low, even for you, Nicky."

"Nice. I didn't fucking miss school because of you. I didn't come to school because my mother walked out of our lives. You're such an asshole," and with that I walked away. We broke up. We went our separate ways. She tried to call me that night. I just told her to leave me alone. I didn't see her for weeks. She never came to the library.

For a couple of weeks, she didn't give up. She sent me either an e-mail every day or I found a note in my locker. But, I was stubborn. I ignored everything from her. And I cried myself to sleep every night. Not only for my mother, but for the longing I felt for Sophie.

Weeks came into months. And everything stopped. Sophie no longer tried to reach me. She went into her own rebel stage. Every time I saw her in the hallway she had a different guy on her arm. My place. I cried the days I saw her. She was our high school's biggest player. Having dates with any guy that was willing and going out every night and partying. It hurt me to hear about her, but I didn't let my guard down.

I was sitting on my front porch, writing an essay on my laptop, when I received a surprise visit.

"Nicky," the voice whispered. My head snapped up as soon as I recognised the voice I had been longing for.

"Sophie?" She put her fingers up to my lips beckoning me to stay quiet.

"Those guys don't mean anything to me, Nicky. I love you. Only you. I always will. And I miss you...so much. I know you don't want me. But I notice the look on your face when you see or hear about me. I know you still care. At least I hope you do. I just wanted to let you know they don't mean anything to me. You're my everything, always."

I shook my head. "Sophie, you're tired. You don't know what you're saying. So do us both a favour and just go home."

"I love you," she whispered before turning and walking away.

The next day at school I wasn't expecting anything. I was hoping, but not expecting. However, when I walked into the main hall at the lunch time, she was there, standing tall as if waiting just for me to come in. I was about to speak up, but she beat me to it.

"I meant what I said. I love you, Nicky!"

She said that in front of all the school kids there who were eating their lunches. All the heads turned in our direction and silence fell over the entire cafeteria. I didn't have time to reply. Sophie scooped me up into her arms, with her lips crushing mine, but in a good way.

I don't remember much what happened next, but there was a commotion and everyone talking in one voice and people jeering. I think she carried me out and into the Library where we could be all alone.

I knew then we were back together.

That was our first fight. Our biggest fight. And our last fight. But in a way, it brought us closer. Our love stronger. It also brought us unexpected problem of everyone knowing about our relationship and with that, endless taunting and name-calling I had to endure. I don't remember how many times someone called me a dyke across the hall but in the end it meant nothing to me. I had no friends beside Anna so I remained an outcast just as I was before the incident in the cafeteria.

Nicky

Chapter Seven: Unexpected

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I resent her. She stole everything from me. My first love, my first kiss. My first everything. I can never get that back. I can only remember.

"Where's your dad at?" Sophie and I were lounging on the couch, me wrapped and cuddled in her comforting arms. It had been only a week since we officially got back together. If anyone thought we were inseparable before, they wouldn't want to know how tightly we were bound now.

"The usual. I think he said he was staying at 'friend's' house." I lifted my hands from hers to make air quotes. I bit my lip nervously. She'd been here all day and I still haven't had the nerve yet.

"What is it?" Sophie asked, looking at me curiously and smiling.

"What is what?" I asked forgetting she could read my face so easily.

"Something is bothering you, cuddle bunny. I can tell. Do you want to get rid of me? I can leave, though I don't want to."

"Of course, not. Sophie, don't be ridiculous," I smiled up at her. She bent down to softly brush her lips against mine.

"Spit it out, goofy," she breathed.

"Okay, I really don't know how to say this but-" I was interrupted by her soft fingers on my lips.

"Please, don't tell me you're breaking up with me. I thought we were doing perfect."

"Sophie, i-it's not that. Actually, it's the opposite," I buried my head in the crease of her neck. "I want you to stay the night," I whispered.

"Okay. I can arrange that. But why take this long to say it? It's just a couple of words. It's all right to not want to be alone."

"I know, but there's a thing. I- I don't just crave your company for a sleepover. I want... you." I was still whispering and now I was blushing like mad on top of everything.

"In that case, I'm afraid I can't stay."

I lifted my head up for the first time. "What? Why?"

She shook her head, grinning. "Because I want it to be special. Be perfect."

"Isn't that supposed to be my line? But Sophie, it IS the perfect timing."

"It may be perfect timing, but would it be absolutely perfect?"

"Any time with you is exactly that," I smiled up at her and reached to press my lips softly against hers. She picked me up with her arms and our lips still in contact, carried me up the steps and into my bedroom. She lay me gently on the bed and soon her body followed mine.

"Nicky, are you sure you want to do this?" she whispered against my neck. I nodded and she asked, "Why?"

"Because Sophie... I love you. I'm in love with you. I can't picture anybody else, but you. My mom always said you'll know the one is the right one just by looking into their eyes. And I can. You're the right one for me, Sophie."

Her lips reached mine just as I said my last word. "I feel the same about you, Nicky." The kissing grew more intense, before I knew it my little fists had tightened around her neck and wound up the hair at the nape of her neck. Her hands were occupied as well. She had her fingers tangled in my hair and the other hand touching my thigh.

I made love to a girl for the first time that night. Sophie was my first. And even though she is gone now, the memory that she received all my 'firsts' is always at the back of my mind.

Nicky

"Nicky, it's your straight bestie. Please answer the phone, we have a matter to discuss."

"Anna," I said through the phone. "I miss you. Come over."

"I was hoping you would say that. I'm at the Convenience Shop. Want anything?"

"No, just your brilliant presence."

"Be there in five," I hung up and jumped in the shower real quick. When I returned to my room, the daydream of Sophie was waiting for me.

"Hey," I breathed as I took in her posture."

"Hey to yourself, beautiful," she grinned widely.

"I have figured it out, you know. How to get rid of you." She looked at me as if I was crazy. I shrugged. I had to get rid of her. I couldn't have Anna thinking I was a total lunatic. What I told the hallucination next was harsh, but I had to make sure I got rid of her. The next words that exited from my mouth even sent a wave of hurt through me. "You know what, Sophie? Remember that guy that jumped on you before we broke up? Yes, that one. I bet right now the real Sophie is screwing his brains out and saying, 'My Nicky, who?'"

Okay, I went a little overboard with that one. I had to actually practice breathing so I could be in the right state when Anna showed up.

Five minutes later, Anna and I were sitting at the kitchen table, talking. "So, you said we had a matter to discuss. What is it?"

Anna shook her head, "Not yet. Lets go to your bedroom first."

We escalated into the bedroom. "Okay," she paused and then reluctantly continued. "I have information I have to share with you."

"Subject matter?" I demanded lightly.

She mumbled something that sounded like Sophie. I hadn't heard her right. I know I hadn't. "I can't hear you, Anna. What is it?"

"It's Sophie," she reluctantly forced out.

"What? What about her?"

"She called and-"

"And you've waited this long to tell me?" I exclaimed. I motioned for her to continue.

She was hesitant at first, but she then spoke. "She called me yesterday. Just let me finish okay?" she said when I was about to intervene. I nodded and she went on. "I wasn't sure whether I should tell you or not. She didn't say much. She just told me to tell you that she is okay and not to worry about her. That's it. I didn't want to tell you. But, I knew if you found out, you'd resent me. I'm sorry, Nicky."

"Don't worry about her? She's okay? What about me? Did she ever wonder about how I'm feeling? Did she ever consider how I'm doing?" I exploded, surprising even myself. I couldn't speak anymore, instead I broke out in sobs. Anna helped me to my bed where I slept for most of the day.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I exited my comfort zone. I did something I've never thought of. I contacted Sophie.

Sophie,

I got your message through Anna. You're doing okay? Don't worry about you? That's really nice to hear. Did you ever consider how I'm doing? Did you ever stop and say, I wonder how Nicky is? Did you ever wonder how I was feeling?

I'll tell you. Life is not good for me. Ever since you left. My life is hell. I still think about you every day. But, why? Why should I do such a thing? I'll tell you that, too. Because I loved you, Sophie. I still do.

Nicole

Chapter Eight: Unthinkable

Dear Diary,

Sophie and I, we weren't like normal people. We were more old-fashioned. We didn't go out all the time. We didn't even have to do something specific to enjoy each other's company.

"Let's do the unthinkable," Sophie said to me once. It was a casual day. Sophie and I were simply lounging around her house. An old movie just ended when she spoke.

"What are you talking about?" I lifted up my face up to see hers. She smiled sheepishly.

"Let's do something that is unthinkable. You know you and me, we're old-fashioned. We don't have a regular life, we have no regular friends," she paused, shook her head, and laughed softly. "I swear we live like we've been married for thirty years. We don't need dates or something to do to be happy, we are content with each other. We enjoy each other's company. We love the fact that we just have each other. And we don't have to sugar-coat it."

She was playing with my hair and looked into my eyes, as if concentrating on something of importance.

"What are you trying to say, Sophie?"

"I'm trying to say I love you, Nicky, but I can't put into words how adorable you are. And I won't ever love another person like I love you. When I asked you why you wanted to spend the night with me, do you remember what you said?" I nodded and she reciprocated my answer. "You told me that I was it for you. You told me you loved me. And you told me that when you look into my eyes, you can tell I'm the one. Whether you meant it or not, that's how I feel about you, Nicky. I can't even imagine my life without you. It probably won't be much of one."

"Sophie, you know I meant every word I said. All of it and that's never going to change."

"Then let's make it official, Nicky."

I smiled while shaking my head, "Okay, it is official!"

This time it was her turn to shake her head. "You don't understand. I want to make it officially official. I want us to get married."

I clamped my hands over my mouth, automatically, "WHAT!?"

"Nicky, just listen. You and me, it's nothing that has ever happened to us before. And this," she paused and pointed to the space between us. "We'll never find this again. It's impossible to ignore. So let's do it. The unthinkable, I'm ready. So lets just get married!"

"Sophie," I chuckled, "you don't mean that!" She shook her head to deny it. "I'm thirteen and you're seventeen, Sophie! And we're both GIRLS!"

"My dear, Nicky. Where did we first meet?"

"Library," I answered automatically.

"What do you always tell me? I'm old-fashioned just like you. If we could, we would live back then. You know where and when people got married, it was young. And girls can marry too, now, can't they? Me and you have the same dream. Find that one person that you belong with. Already did. Grow old with each other. Happy ending. We checked off one thing on that list. Why, wait? We could start checking other things off."

"You're right about that. But, Sophie, we're in high school. We have dreams other than being with each other. We have to evaluate ourselves before our relationship."

"So, what are you saying?" Sophie suddenly became tense. "Are you trying to tell me that we won't last? That we won't be together? That this is over? Are you saying we're over?" she pushed away from me.

"Sophie," I started shaking my head. "I don't ever want us to end. You're the only one that can do that. You're in your senior year and I will be there in a few years. We never know what the future is going to hold. Anything is possible if you let it happen. But I'm here, until you want me gone."

"Never," she whispered fiercely, pulling me closer to her. "So are you refusing my proposal?"

"You know what? No, just postponing it for a while," I smiled up at her, then I found her lips on mine.

Nicky

Unthinkable, she had said. This day is full of moments I thought were unthinkable. Me, waking up with my pillow soaked from tears. I replayed what had happened yesterday in my head, several times. She made the effort to call my best friend. But, why couldn't she call me? Was she too much of a coward? She's the one that ended it. She's the one who broke the heart. She's the reason for everything. And she couldn't even have the nerve to face me, even if it was over the phone. I mean, why did she even bother to call Anna?

"Do you always cry yourself to sleep these days?" the voice asked from the window sill. The sight of her made the tears come more naturally.

"Just go away," I told the daydream. "Just go, like you promised you never would, but did anyway," my words were strained, but it had no matter. I didn't even have to look up to know there was no one there.

I tried to stay busy. I cleaned the house spotless. I even made an attempt to study for English, but couldn't concentrate. I tried to listen to music, bet even that didn't help. When she left, I felt like she vanished from the earth. From mine, anyway. It's like her existence was only real if she was with me. But, having her contact Anna it made it all come back. All the memories. All parts of the past. It's like she said goodbye all over again.

Even though I knew she would never answer my e-mail, I had this urge to check it. Every hour on the dot. Never an answer. The day tired down. There was no more sunlight. Instead, everything was grey and dark. I checked for any messages on the computer. There was one. The one I'd been waiting for all day.

Nicky,

I'm sorry. I still love you. And I'm so sorry.

Sophie

She's sorry. That is all she had to say. All I've been through and that's all she has to say. Tears were already streaming uncontrollably down my face.

Oh, and she still loves me. Like hell she does. She would never put me through this if she loved me. She would never had left if she loved me. She would have more to say than sorry, if she loved me.

Sophie,

You may be sorry, but you're probably not. And as for the second part, you love me? Like hell you do. You probably never did. I was just stupid and young enough to fall for it. There's always been a quote I've loved:

Are you willing to take the jump, even though there are no guarantees that you won't fall?

I took the jump, and you made me fall flat on my face. You've turned me into a ridicule at school and I can't even count on support from the one I love. Everyone is calling me names and laughing at me or turning their backs on me. Mission complete. I hope you're happy wherever you are. Because I know I'm not. I hate you, Sophie LeDoux!

Nicole

Ten minutes later an alert went off from computer. I wasn't expecting a reply. And there wasn't one. Just this:

SophieLeDoux528 has blocked you from her personal account.

I laughed in spite of myself. Of course, always taking the easy way out. As I saw the numbers in her e-mail I lost the fight with holding back my tears. 528? The day I gave myself up to her. May 28th.

I was a ghost the next day at school. Anna knew something was up. And she agreed to come home with me.

We were sitting in my room in dead silence. I was on the floor sitting close to the window, with my knees pulled up to my chest, and my arms tightening around them.

"Would you like to tell me what the hell is up with you?" Anna whispered softly but tense from where she was standing by my bedroom door.

"I've been crying a lot, Anna," my voice cracked as tears flowed one right after the other. When I spoke again it was a whisper, barely audible. "I don't think I can go on like this. I was infuriated. Why should I be worrying about some eighteen-year-old girl or fretting over if she's doing okay?" I rested my head on my knees, careful not to meet Anna's eyes. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping to stop the flow of tears. "She's the one who left. She's the one who wanted this over, to be apart. I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this pain, this suffering. I called her out on it."

"You did what?" she exploded. I got up and went to the computer and showed her the e-mails, my way of explaining.

"What happened then?" she asked breathlessly.

"She blocked me," I hesitated, trying to blink the tears away. "It would've been better... if she would've just told me the truth. If she said she didn't love me. If she told me that I never meant anything to her. That I was just a kid who had to grow up. It would have been easier. But, no, she made it harder. Harder than it had to be. And I hate her for it."

"Nicky, you don't hate her," Anna told me fiercely.

"I do, Anna. You always told me you have to love something to hate it. I loved her and now I hate her. Simple."

She shook her head. "You still love her," she said confidently.

"Maybe I should be like her. You know the first time we broke up? Go bouncing from one guy to another to another. No more pain, right?"

"No, Nicky," Anna said slowly. "Just give it time. And besides, you don't like guys anyway."

I smiled through my tears at her remark. "Anna, how much more time do I need? It's been months. And she's in my thoughts every day. Every day since she left. It feels... as if I'm dying and each day a little part of me dies. Time heals all things. But at what price?"

"I'm sorry, Nicky," Anna threw her arms around me, looking as if she was going to cry herself. "I know when you want to be left alone. I'm only a call away. If you need anything, I'll be here in record time. I've never let you down. I know you don't want to hear this. But, I swear I'll always be there, even when you don't want me."

"You're the only one, Anna," I didn't have to say anything further. She and I both knew what I meant. She was the only person that has always been there for me. Sophie left. Mom left. And dad, he's a lost cause, to himself, let alone me. But Anna, she never failed me, not even once.

"I love you," she whispered closing the door behind her. I curled up in a tight ball, pulling my knees tightly against my chest.

I woke up in the middle of the night. The hallucination was sitting on the floor by the bathroom door, her eyes tightly closed.

"Can't you just leave? Do you like giving me misery? Is that your business here? You never loved me, it's why you left. So, just leave me alone. Let me bear the pain alone, without the image of you, the image of her. It's hard as it is."

I looked over expecting nothing. But, the hallucination was still there. As I finished my words, I could see it starting to fade. But it didn't want to leave just yet.

"You're wrong," she whispered before fading out into thin air.

I blinked back the tears that were already forming.

Chapter Nine: Goodbye

The daydreams kept coming back. And I kept making them go away. It always happened. It was as if the hallucination was fighting to stay. Fighting the rules, somehow. It always said something before it finally managed to disappear. But it did. It always left. Left me all alone, just like the real Sophie did.

Dear Diary,

I remember the day perfectly. The memories, both happy and sad are all clear. Like when you look in the mirror, it's a perfectly clear picture. But out of all the things I remembered, this one stuck with me the most.

Sophie came over for an unexpected visit. I was just with her yesterday and couldn't have been happier to see her. When I opened the door and saw her face, I grew giddy with just taking her appearance in. This is the girl I loved. This is the girl I wanted to spend my life with. This is the girl that I would do anything for.

I rose up on my toes and reached up with my hands to kiss her, but she stopped me. She looked sad and I could see her cheeks were stained with dried up tears. I knew something was up.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, my face full of concern.

"Nicky, I need to tell you something," she spoke each word slowly. She motioned towards the front porch steps. She turned and sat quietly. I followed and sat next to her. I put my hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. I'd never seen this side of her before. "Don't touch me," she said with a low voice but hidden was what I expected to be a trace of guilt.

"It's over," she said in a voice I wouldn't exactly call steady. I looked at her with confusion and saw she was fighting not to cry. I tried to take her hand, but she pushed me away.

"What's over?" I wondered out loud, hoping it was only a bad joke.

She smiled, but it was forced. "What's over?" she repeated mockingly. She stood up suddenly. "You and me, that's what. It's getting too serious and-"

I cut her off. "And you're just figuring that out now?" I asked my voice quavering.

"I should've done this a long time ago. It wasn't until I went home yesterday that I figured that out. You're only thirteen after all. You're still a little girl and I can't..." she stopped as if not believing in her own words. "You were right the other day when you said that the future could always change. That's what I'm doing. I'm guaranteeing us both a different future than the one we were leading into. The future for both of us has one aspect alike. I won't be in your future, and you won't be in mine."

"Why are you doing this, Sophie?" I pleaded allowing the first of many tears to spill over. "Sophie, I'm sorry. I'll grow up! I won't be a kid forever..."

"It has to be done. Don't ask me why," she stopped me.

I shook my head fiercely. "You can't just eliminate yourself from the equation. You're still going to be here-" I clung to her hand like a child to her mother but this time it was her to cut me off.

"No, I won't be. I said I'm changing the future. And I meant it. I'm taking myself out of your world, Nicole. Completely. I'm moving first thing tomorrow morning. This way it will be easier."

She said it would be easy, but it was everything but that. I didn't get a chance to plead or try to change her mind. Because after her last words ever said to me, she was gone. And I was left, with my tears overflowing, face red and puffy, with a broken heart that would never be fixed.

Nicky

I woke to a new school day. Anna was right after all. Time passes and it's up to me to make that time count. I couldn't keep living in the shadows of hurt. Certainly not three years after she left. I would get nowhere by doing that.

I had to appreciate what I had. I was sixteen now; my life was just starting. I would be graduating from high school soon, and my life just had to be one step at a time.

As I stare at the diary I write in, I felt a different emotion, one which I can't acclaim specifically. All the memories. The happiness, the sadness, and the regret. I realise this book holds my life in it. It holds Sophie.

Sophie was a huge part of my life, if not the biggest. She helped me grow and find myself. She helped me understand what it is like to love another girl and become the person I am now.

I still love her with all my heart. A part of me always will. She was my first love. Nobody can forget that. I may be crazy, though. If Anna knew she'd probably already have me committed into mental institution. The reas: my daydreams about the person I loved never stopped.

After a while I quit pushing her apparitions away. She was a part of something I loved and cherished. Of course, there was no physical contact, but again those were the rules. Her name was Jessie. I named her that. Her old name was just a reminder, a reminder I didn't want.

After each diary entry of my previous life had been written down, I felt better. My mom had told me writing was always the key to clear emotions and feelings. She was right.

I may be crazy. But it's like I'm my full, regular self when I'm with her in my daydreams. I don't write about Sophie anymore, I don't write about anything.

It was February twenty third. Three years ago my mom left me on this day. Here I sat talking to her. I was sure she couldn't hear me, but I told her everything, nothing holding back.

It was today that I decided to burn my diary. I wasn't sure when or how to do it. But in a way, I felt that writing in my diary, was a source of therapy. It was a way to get all my feelings out without seeming vulnerable to someone else.

But now that they're out and controlled, I just want them to be gone. I would wait though. May 28th, the date in which I felt the strongest about Sophie, that would be the date.

"Hey, I figured you would be here," Anna said, finding me at the local park reading a book.

"Hey, Anna!" I smiled at my best friend. She's had time to get adjusted to my new attitude. Or actually the new me. The happy person and the one she loved.

"Hey, I know today is rough for you. And I know I should wait for this. But..." she paused as if fighting with a decision. She hesitated before continuing. "You know I love your presence lately. You're happy. Something I haven't seen in...a really long time. I don't know what happened. I'm glad for it. However, I'm still worried. I've been watching you."

I gave her a curious look. She didn't pause though. "You're happy. And, yes I'm grateful for it. But, you haven't even acknowledged a single girl. Not even a simple glance. I don't mean to be harsh but I don't want you to wait for Sophie. Because that could be the rest of eternity."

I smiled slightly. "I'm not waiting for Sophie."

"So you're over her?" she challenged me. She knew she had me pinned.

"No, but I'm not waiting for her either." I couldn't tell Anna about my daydreams. She would never understand.

"Prove it. Go out there and meet someone new, a girl you will fall in love with," she was testing me, that I knew.

"I've been in a relationship for a long time. Can't I enjoy being single for a while-" She interrupted before I had the chance to continue.

"Excuses, excuses," she taunted mockingly.

"Remember our first date? You, me, and Sophie? I was so against it. You pushed me into it. You know my favourite quote?" I repeated the quote. "Are you willing to take the jump, even though there are no guarantees that you won't fall?" I shook my head. "I didn't want to take the jump back then. I was willing, but I wasn't ready. And you and I know too well that I did fall, flat on my face. And it left scars. Permanent ones. But this time I'm not willing. I don't want to fall. Not again."

"You have to sometime," she argued. "Eventually you have to let someone into your heart again."

"Yes, sometime, just not now. I have to concentrate on me and on school. And right now I am going to be late for class."

"Well then, lets go before we're late," she smiled and took my hand, leading the way to the school.

Chapter Ten: Burning

"Since when did you start listening to J-Pop again?" Jessie said from the window sill.

"Well, hello to you, too," I smiled at her, happy she was here.

"What's on the agenda for today?" she asked as I was tossing my hair up in a messy pony tail.

"If I tell you, you'll disappear," I told her truthfully. And I would like it better if she was gone for the time being. I didn't want her to be there, or anybody else for that matter. This was something I had to do by myself.

I might as well get it over with. A long time ago I had a question for her. But of course she would only fade and not answer. Today I asked though.

"If Sophie were to ever come back, would I lose you?" One second she was there, and the next she was gone.

After school the other day, I bought incense. It smells so good. I thought it would be good to burn it along with my diary. I was going to do it outside in the backyard.

Let's get this done with, I thought to myself. I brought out several candles, matches, incense, my favourite blanket, and of course the diary of the past.

I wrote one last entry the night before.

Dear Diary,

This is last of the words I want to speak of. This whole book has been about the past. But, guess what? I can't live in the past. No one can. I can only live in the present and try my hardest not to think about the future. The future could always change. Right?

This book has also been about Sophie. But more importantly about my firsts. So this is what I name you: Nicky and her Firsts. It was the beginning of my life. Full of stumbling, learning, experiences, and a lot of growing up. Not to forget endings.

I will burn this book for me. It's just something that I have to do. The items in this book will never change. They'll always be with me. In this thing that we have called a heart. So, I say goodbye. And thanks. Thank you for helping me deal with love and heartbreak.

Forever and Always,

Nicole

And with the closing note I tossed it into the fire and watched it burn. Page by page, memory by memory, year by year. Gone.

"Don't burn down the house," the voice came from the porch. It was her voice. I didn't have to turn around to know who I would find.

"Didn't you leave already or do I have to send you away again?" She didn't come back with a witty comment which was unusual.

I still wanted to be alone so I thought of something harsh to say. I chose to bring up the guy from our first break-up.

"Remember the guy from our first break-up? I wonder if Sophie is in love with him right now." I smiled when I noticed silence. I won once again, never failed.

"I've never been in love with anyone but you." My eyes had gone huge and I whirled around.

"IT'S YOU!!" I all but screamed. I took in her appearance. My daydreams did not do Sophie justice. Because right here in front of me was the real one, the much better one. The one, I realised I never got over. Not even for a split second. I tried to control my expression but my eyes were already watering.

"Who else would it be?" she asked, smiling but the smile was forced. Her smile reminded me of the day she left and that was enough to take control.

"What are you doing here?" I asked splashing a bucket of water over the flames that had completely burned my diary.

"I wanted to talk to you," her voice was low but serious.

"Well, I have nothing to discuss with you so you can leave," I whispered, careful not to meet her eyes, afraid that I would cave in. "Again," I muttered.

"Please Nicole, just give me a chance," she pleaded. Roles were reversed now.

"A chance for what?" I demanded, trying to sound frustrated.

"A chance to tell you how I feel," she responded, her voice strained and weak.

"Like that day you gave me a chance to share my opinion? Huh? Don't like to remember the past, do you? I was only thirteen and you walked all over my heart without looking back. How about this, Sophie? I don't care how you feel? And anyway, it's too late for chances and it's definitely too late for feelings."

She let her shoulders grow limp. "Just tell me one thing and I'll go."

"How about you just do the second thing and leave? It's clearly something you're good at."

"I will leave, but first: Do you still love me?" she asked me, waiting for an answer.

"I DON'T LOVE YOU, SOPHIE!" I yelled through clenched teeth. It was a lie and she knew it.

"Yes, you do. Both of us know it," she said this confidently, like it proved something.

"Does it even matter?" I demanded. I was mad. My life was moving on, and once again here she was trying to stall it. I moved around her to sit on the same sidewalk she left me on in tears so many years ago. Hoping she would do the same tonight.

"It does matter, because I love you, Nicky," she sounded sincere, but I knew better.

"No, you don't. Sophie, you don't love me. If you ever loved me, you would have never left-" She interrupted before I could get any farther down the list.

"I can explain," she practically begged. I shook my head fiercely.

"No, Sophie!" I almost shouted. "And if you do, or ever did love me, get out of my sight and walk right back out of my life!"

Her face was sad. "You said on this very sidewalk that you were going to change the future for us. You did that by leaving. You eliminated me from your future. I want you to do the same now." The last words I said harshly and watched her shoulders shrink. I walked in the house, closed the door and immediately sunk to the ground, ready for the pain to come.

I managed to resurface. I got up slowly and called Anna, unlocked the door, and went upstairs to curl myself up into a tight, inescapable ball.

"Nicky, you're okay? It's me."

I must had fallen asleep because the sun was shining through the window.

"Anna?" I questioned. I could feel her fingers running through my hair in a soothing way.

"I'm right here, Nicky," she told me reassuringly.

"I'm not sure if I could explain," I mumbled. I could feel her giving me a disapproving look.

"I think I already know," she sighed.

"Wha-?" I turned to face her.

She shook her head slowly. "There's this girl you love that's been outside, for more hours than I thought possible, waiting for you to come out."

"I can't, Anna. I just can't," I was able to choke out. "She's asking me to forgive what I haven't forgotten. She's asking me to listen to what is just going to be more pain. And she's asking me to love which I'm sure I can't."

Anna was understanding, but I had to do this alone. I made my way outside and out to her. "You should just go," I urged quietly, standing behind her with my arms stubbornly crossed against my chest.

"Is that what you want?" she asked, her face tormented.

"I wish you could see your face. The torture, the hurt, and the regret. Now just imagine that frozen in place for years." Tears were coming and I didn't try to stop them. "You put me through hell, Sophie. One minute you're talking about marrying me at thirteen and the next you're talking of separation. You in my life, that's all I ever knew. I was just a kid who had lost her mother and you were everything to me. My soulmate, my first love, my protector... Take yourself away, what am I left with? Except for a heart that is shattered. You can't possibly know what I've been through. Yes, I still love you. But you ruined it. I wish you could feel my pain." I was bitter, but I didn't care. She deserved every bit of it.

"I did feel your pain, Nicky." I laughed, though nothing was funny. She kept talking. "Did you think it was easy leaving?"

I shook my head and smiled darkly. "It was easy leaving then, you could do the same now," I turned on my heels and left her there, not caring if she stayed or go.

When I got back in the house, Anna was giving me a disapproving look. "You should be easy on her. Give her the benefit of the doubt."

"Like she was easy on me?" I demanded. "Are you seriously on her side? You've seen me with her absence. Was that easy?"

"Nicky-" I shook my head angrily, causing her to stop.

"You can leave, too, Anna."

Chapter Eleven: Future

School was sort of rough. I feared Sophie would appear again any moment. I saw her behind every corner. I knew she was going to college now and she could bump into me going to and from school. I didn't think I could handle it. But there were only a few more days of school left, and I was going to make sure I didn't leave the house after that so I didn't have to see her again.

She left me notes in various places every day where only I could find them. I was probably being a bit dramatic but enjoyed ripping them all to pieces without reading them. Like she did with my heart.

The last day of school, I was in the library all day. Mrs. Smith was retiring this year, so I helped her with everything. At the end of the day, she handed me a note. Me thinking it was from her, ripped it open. It read:

I know you hate me. I get that. But I would just like the chance to explain things. I'm not asking for anything but for you to listen. Please? I'll come over to your house this afternoon at five before your dad comes home. I'll wait for an hour. If you don't show up, I'll take that as my cue that you don't want me to try. In case I don't see you again, just know that I love you and always will, Nicky.

Your Sophie

I couldn't avoid her this time. I had to be home before my dad showed up or I'd get into trouble and Sophie will be waiting there for me. All the way from school, I was trying hard to find a way to ignore her, to make her leave for one last time, to hurt her as much as I possibly could. But it was hopeless. I knew I was defenseless in her presence and I would crumble into tears at the slightest show of emotion.

Finally, I reached the house. I saw her right away, sitting alone on the sidewalk with her head bowed as if contemplating little pebbles on the road. When I approached closer, she looked up, but I wouldn't meet her gaze. I couldn't bear to admit that I still loved her after all this time.

"At least you showed up," she whispered gratefully. "I just want to explain everything. No interruptions, okay?"

I nodded once, still avoiding her eyes.

"The last thing I wanted was to leave you, Nicky. But I had to," she sighed. "Do you remember our first fight? Nothing could convince you that I still loved you. Until I ambushed you in the cafeteria before the entire school assembly and kissed you. Well, the word got out. People started talking and I was called before the principal and asked why I was kissing a thirteen-year-old girl on the school grounds. It didn't stop there. They threatened to call the social workers and the police if they ever saw us together again. They notified my parents and were going to call your dad and blow the whole thing out of proportion," she stopped for a moment, trying to steady her voice. I had my back to her remembering our reunion in the school cafeteria. It was something only Sophie was brave enough to pull and it won her my heart. But at what price?

"I was in my senior year and they wanted to expel me before I could graduate," she continued. "I begged them not to but in return I had to stop having any contact with you. There was no other way around it. The only way to protect you from trouble was to stop seeing you. I did it for you, for us, so we could be here today and maybe, just maybe, start being friends again. I still love you, Nicky. The same as I loved you when you were thirteen. I never stopped loving you for a moment."

She said those words almost in one breath and I still couldn't make myself face her. Was she lying? Was she trying to make herself look better, her action more noble?

"Why are you telling me this now? You had three years to come forward and stop the pain but you did nothing. You watched me suffer all this time and for what? To protect me from whom?"

"From yourself, Nicky. I know you only too well. If I had told you the truth, you would have fought with all your might to keep us together. But at what cost? There was no chance we could had won against them and that would've been the end of us. What I did was painful to you but now finally, we can be together again," her words trailed off and I finally turned to look at her. I didn't realise she was crying the whole time. Her face was a mess and it just occurred to me I had never seen her cry. She was always the stronger one and I was the crybaby clinging to her arms. I made myself reach out and touch her hand.

"Why now, Sophie? What has changed?"

"You're sixteen. No one can stop us from loving each other. And I'm in college so they can't expel me from high school anymore. If it makes it any better, you have to know I didn't want to leave you, Nicky. I never wanted to do that to you. You have to know that. I could've gone through with things differently. I could've told you the truth. But I have parents too and I was made to do things against my will. This was hard for both of us," she shook her head, tears spilling down her cheeks. "I still love you. A part of me always will. I've told you my story. Now I can leave you alone, just like you asked."

She stood up, then leaned down to kiss my forehead. "Goodbye, Nicky," she turned to go.

"Leaving again?" I wondered aloud.

"Maybe it's best for both of us," she said softly, her back still turned to me.

"Come in, I'm hungry," I went inside hoping she would follow. And she did, as she sat herself at the counter, sure not to look me in the eye.

"Have you ever told Anna about what happened?" I asked her, still disbelieving that she was here and we were talking again.

"I couldn't," Sophie said softly, grief spreading across her face. "I knew she was your best friend, Nicky. There was no way she wouldn't tell you about it if she knew. I couldn't risk it. The way I saw it at the time, our future depended on me leaving you until the time came when nothing and no one could stand between us again."

"I'm sorry it happened to you, Sophie," I sympathised while touching my hand lightly over hers. "I'm sorry it happened to us."

We were silent for a while, but it wasn't uncomfortable at all. I looked at her face and saw traces of tears still shining on her cheeks. She was as beautiful as ever, as beautiful as all those years ago when she left me in tears, alone on the sidewalk. And as I gazed into her eyes, I saw for the first time that she went through the same pain I've been through. We were both broken by injustice, separated by the system incapable of accepting love, of sustaining it and letting it flower. In their eyes, we were no more than weeds that needed to be killed. For what purpose? For whose benefit had all this pain been allowed? Who was saved and protected by being made to endure this suffering?

I wondered what our lives would be like now if we had been allowed to stay together and enjoy happiness we found in each other. Would there be a story to tell, a lesson to learn and a message to pass on? Would our love be as strong as it could be or would it wither into oblivion like so many others? I had so many questions and I knew I couldn't answer them alone. I still needed her to guide me. I needed her to keep me safe and sane when the world comes crashing down around us.

"When I came back, what were you burning?" she asked looking in my direction.

I shrugged. "A diary."

"You never kept a diary," she stated. "What did you write in it?"

"The diary...it was kind of a therapy for me. I got to lay down all my emotions. I wrote down everything about us. From beginning to end."

"Why did you burn it?" she questioned, honestly curious.

"The therapy session was over."

She nodded as if coming to a realisation. She got up then. "I should go, Nicky. Good luck with your future." She was almost at the door.

"You told me that you could change the future. You did that by leaving. Is it still possible to change the future, though? Can you still do it by staying in my life a little longer?"

Sophie turned around slowly, looking at me for the very first time. She smiled through tears flowing down her face and as our eyes locked, I felt myself rushing towards her and crushing into her arms and her holding me as if her life depended on it. The next thing I knew, her lips touched mine, and I never wanted to let her go again.

Epilogue

Sophie and I were lying on my bed, gazing at each other. "The last good conversation we had was about marriage. So I ask you this, Nicole," she paused to touch her lips to mine. "Will you do me the honour of accepting my proposal."

Neither of us expected my reaction. "Yes, I will marry you, Sophie."

Her eyes teared up. "Really?" she asked quietly.

"You have my word."

Years later from that day, when we were sitting side by side quietly, she asked me what I was thinking about. But this time I knew what to say. "You and me, together, forever and always."

And unlike the first time, this time it came true.

The End