When did I realize that I was a girllover? Ooo boy. I'm not sure I can pin it down to one specific moment. You see, I'm not the kind of person who caught herself staring at little girls or peeking in the locker room. For me, finding out was when I realized that I'd gone and fallen for a little girl in my scouts troupe.
We've been close since she came to my troupe as a shy 11 year old. I was 22. Last summer we spent practically everyday together, and I spent the night at her house almost every night. She's the person I could horse around with when all my other friends were "too cool" to play around like that with someone so young. She's the person I could talk to for hours and still not be bored, even when we didn't talk about anything in particular.
So, when did I even start to suspect that my feelings for her extended beyond friendship? I think I'd have to say when I learned that she was moving out of state. I was devestated, though I did a good job of hiding it at the time. I didn't want to give her a weepy send off or seem foolish, so I hid my pain and tears until after I'd already said bye. I remember feeling indescribebly lonely without her around.
I did email her from time to time, but it wasn't the same until she emailed me saying that we didn't talk like we used to. I realized that she was right and we started to use instant messengers to keep in touch. We still talk almost every day and even a short chat session with her makes me grin like an idiot.
Then, that Easter she invited me to spend a week with her and her family. I distinctly remember the ride down there. I was jumpy and expectant and incurabley dreamy.
Now up until this point, I had never even thought of myself as a lesbian, let alone one who is attracted to 11 year old girls. It was simply a case of "yes, I have a crush on someone, end of story". I'd just gotten out of yet another disasterous relationship with a guy that was an absolute jerk. Truth be told, I'd never had much luck with guys as it was.
That week was one of the best of my life. One of the moments that sticks out most distinctly in my mind is when the two of us were walking alone and she reached out and put her little arm around my waist. I was so completely shocked but at the same time, it opened up my mind to a whole new field of possibilities. It would take me another half year however, before I was able to sort out those feelings.
Oddly enough, I was at work and mindlessly bored when I realized just exactly how much she meant to me. It was quite literally like hitting a brick wall and I think I scared the person sitting next to me, I jerked my head up so quickly. I LOVED her. Not like sisterly love or best friends forever. This was an honest to goodness, want to be with this little person love! I was reeling and off balance for the rest of the day.
I didn't say anything to anyone at the time, though this discovery was rather troubling to me. At one moment, I'd be ready to call her up and tell her and then at the next, I'd be appalled with myself. How could I do this to our friendship? What if she hated me for it? And then, not only her, but what about her parents? Somehow, I didn't think they'd appriciate their 11 year old daughter's best friend declaring her feelings for their child. Or my parents for that matter? Some nights I'd cry myself to sleep, calling myself stupid for getting myself into such an impossible situation. Then I'd turn right around and chide myself for being so hopeless. And through this whole time, I was still talking to her online daily, not letting on just how confused I was about my feelings towards her.
I went to visit her again that summer for three months. She was 12 now. Things weren't the same however, and I'm afraid that's my fault. I was so confused over my feelings for her that I let it affect our friendship. It was even starting to affect me physically and I realized that I was allowing myself to slide into a bout of depression. I remember one night when I couldn't sleep. Though we slept in different rooms, the rooms were connected. I grabbed my pillow and headed into her room. All I really wanted to do was crawl into the bed with her and hold her. Nothing sexual, simply to hold and be held. That's always been one of my greatest desires. But I was too much of a coward, afraid that she'd wake up and want to know what I was doing up. So I just sat on the floor by her bed and watched her sleep. I was crying horribly, but not too loudly because I was so afraid of waking her up. Eventually, I just gave up trying to work up my courage and went back to my bed.
She later commented on the gap that was forming between us and I relized that she was right. I spent the remainder of my time trying to bridge that gap, though I don't think it was completely spanned until we said goodbye at the bus station and then it was her initiative not mine, I'm ashamed to say. But the fact remains that the gap was spanned, a fact that I am eternally grateful for.
I knew after that that I loved her for sure, but I still didn't have the courage to tell her. And still, all this time, I was talking to her on a nearly daily basis. I'd been introduced to a few message boards that summer, and was slowly starting to accept my attraction to girls as a normal thing for me. I always believed there was nothing wrong with it, but for it to actually be my lifestyle was a completely different thing.
Truthfully, I didn't even start to come out until my mother and I started to argue over something trivial. My mom has the knack of telling when something other than what I'm saying is bothering me. I told her nothing, but what I was really thinking was 'I'm a dyke mom. Your baby girl's a freakin' dyke! And what's more, I'm in love with a 12 year old child.'
I went up to my room after that, hoping to be left alone so I could cry in peace. I've never been much of a person when it comes to dealing with conflict. I guess I forgot just how well sound travels in my house and my mom came up to see what was wrong with me. Now that I look back in retrospect, I think I wanted her to come up. She asked me what was wrong, but all I could do was keep crying. Most of me knew she would be accepting of the whole thing, but there was still that niggling bit of doubt at the back of my mind that wouldn't let me speak.
Eventually I managed to get out a "Mom, I think I'm not straight." All she did was hug me and then tell me to come downstairs where she proceeded to make me a cup of tea. She then told me that it's normal to be unsure of one's sexuality but no matter what I chose, she'd always be there for me. My dad, who I'd woken up with my crying, had come downstairs and said to the effect, the same thing. I was about ready to break down and sob again right there, but my mom said something which made me laugh instead which resulted in me sputtering tea all over the table.
Since then, I've told a couple friends of mine. I haven't told my little friend yet, because I'm waiting to tell her to her face. I don't think it would be very fair of me to take the easy way out and tell her online or over a phone.
So now I accept the fact that I'm a lesbian, that guys are really just too guy-like for me, no matter how sensitive they are, and that I've fallen for a little 12 year old girl.
So why did I include all of those details above? Well, to me, those little things are as much a part of my coming out as the actual act. While it's true that I may sound rather emotional at some points and over dramatic, I've never been one to do things by halves. This is simply an account of my feelings and actions that led up to accepting myself for who I am. Thank you for reading my story.