Imagine you've just realized you might be lesbian or gay. You're terrified your secret will be discovered. Yet you're almost bursting with the need to talk to someone. Now, imagine you're in fourth grade.
Children are coming out at earlier and earlier ages. A generation ago, young people typically were in their teens before becoming aware of being attracted to someone of the same sex. Now, they're often just nine or ten years old, research shows. Yet the vast majority of adults - even those trained in child guidance - continue to be woefully ignorant of the needs of gay children and adolescents.
A Need to Conceal
The heterosexual classmates of lesbian and gay youth steadily learn to express their feelings and to share personal information as their sexuality develops. They build relationships and communication skills as they talk about their latest crush or tell a pal what happened on a date. Lesbian and gay kids, meanwhile, may teach themselves to hide, to lie and deceive or to repress their feelings - survival tactics that often do lasting damage.
Because they have to navigate all the typical ups and downs of adolescence plus cope with a uniquely stigmatized identity, lesbian and gay youth need an extra measure of adult emotional support. Yet they generally get very little because society mindlessly perpetuates the myth that all young people are heterosexual. Unlike other minorities, lesbian and gay children usually aren't even certain of parental support.
Be Open to the Possibility
Those unfortunate realities place added responsibility on all adults who accept lesbian and gay kids' existence. We must signal all the young people we come into contact with - whether we are counselors, teachers, doctors, nurses, relatives or neighbors - that they can freely talk to us about whatever shape their lives are taking.
"If you actually spend time talking to lesbian and gay children, they will tell you very clearly they are not confused about what they are feeling. They've known that from early ages. What they are confused about is how they can safely express their desires in a homophobic society," notes social worker Caitlin Ryan, who helped coordinate a federal conference on health care for lesbian and gay youth.
Lesbian and Gay Youth: Care and Counseling
A valuable resource guide for anyone who works with - or simply cares about - young people grew out of that historic 1994 conference. First published in the prestigious peer-reviewed journal Adolescent Medicine, "Lesbian and Gay Youth: Care and Counseling" (Columbia University Press) is co-authored by Ryan and pediatrician Donna Futterman, a professor at Albert Einstein College of Medicine.
This instructive book is helping put lesbian and gay youth on the radar screens of thousands of professionals who had given them little thought.
Ignorance Harms
"The vast majority of health care providers and counselors want to help people. I don't think they consciously go out of their way to hurt lesbian and gay people. But ignoring lesbian and gay concerns harms kids," says Futterman, a lesbian who has a son with her partner of 21 years.
Their guidebook, honored by the American Journal of Nursing, clearly spells out exactly why and how to reach out to lesbian and gay children:
Dangerous isolation: Countless lesbian and gay adolescents "feel alone in every social situation" and "feel they must be vigilant at all times" in guarding their secret, the guide notes.
Welcome mats: Adults should send an unmistakable signal that, as one diversity poster puts it, "This is a safe place to talk about whatever's on your mind." The goal isn't to find out who's gay but to create environments where youngsters feel free to open up.
Adult feedback: Constantly bombarded by anti-gay stereotypes, lesbian and gay youth need reassurance that they can be happy, productive adults. Plus, they can benefit from adult encouragement to think through when and how it would be wise to reveal their feelings to their parents.
A happy lesbian and gay adolescence, Futterman points out, "doesn't mean an absence of conflict - because most teen-agers go through confusion as they figure out who they are in life." Rather, she says, it's being able to live life honestly with the support of friends and adults.
Imagine being a lesbian or gay child - and not being afraid.