Gay. Straight. Tranny. Bi. Queer. Questioning. Everyone has a unique way of realizing their sexuality. Some people know from the moment they see themselves as sexual human beings. Others wait until they are in their 40s to explore their sexual identity. As for me, I was 12.
Eighth grade. The year that I sat behind Margaret Phoney in French class. Until that point, I had never really stopped to look at boys or girls. But Margaret was a heart- stopper and a head-turner. And due to my advantageous seat directly behind her in French, I didn't even have to turn my head.
There was a particular moment in which I knew I was queer: I had a dream in which Margaret was trapped atop a burning building. Deftly, I dodged burning embers to rescue her, holding her hand as I pulled her down the stairs. At the bottom, she gave me a kiss.
I blushed in school every time I saw her for a week.
At this point in my life, I knew very few out gay people. I thought all gay people were men who didn't have families and lived in big cities. Nervous and upset about my "problem," I went to see the guidance counselor at my school.
"I think that maybe possibly I could be gay," I managed to squeak out after an hour of prodding.
"Don't worry," she replied. "Lots of people think that. You'll grow out of it."
Relieved, I went home and waited to "grow out of it" - for the next six years.
Let's face it, being a teen is hard enough. Tons of things are changing inside you and outside you. Add on top of that a sexual identity that is different from the mainstream, and school can really suck.
It wasn't until college that I found a support system and a community of people to support and encourage me as I explored my sexual identity and came out - first as questioning, then as gay, and finally as queer.
When I returned home after my first year, I was surprised to find that many of the people I knew as a child were gay but had not been out - including my church organist, a teacher from my school, and my mother's good friend.
It occurred to me that if they had been out, I would not have spent six years feeling isolated, depressed, and alone. Thus I decided it was important to be out. I became an activist, joining my university's LGBTA, attended rallies, marched on Washington, and attended the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force's annual conference for social change. As a writer and reporter, I continue to focus on queer issues and being out.
I have always hated labels and identity politics, but it is always one of the first things people ask: What are you? I used to say, a Homo sapien. Mostly, now, I say queer.
I like "queer" because it is an umbrella term that can mean what I want it to mean. Sometimes I like to dress like a guy. Sometimes, though, I love frills, and I just had a facial at Macy's last week. Most of the time I am attracted to girls, but sometimes I like boys. And I don't want anyone else to label me. So queer seems to work pretty well.
At 24, I still consider myself a youth activist. But the world has changed since I came out. Now many schools have Gay Straight Alliances. Television shows have queer characters, and some states protect their inhabitants from discrimination based on sexual orientation.
Still, in other places in our country, people are subject to harassment and violence for being open about their sexuality. People like Matthew Shephard are brutally murdered. Kids as young as 6 and 7 learn to call each other "fag" as a put down. Queers aren't allowed to marry. And even in the LGBT community there is prejudice against transgendered and bisexual people.
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Jessi Hempel is a freelance writer based in California. She often spends her time fighting for youth and gay rights.