Miranda was prone to tears. This was a fact that Holly had accepted long ago about her best friend, perhaps even admired her ability to be so open about her emotions. She cried during movies at the theater, she cried in the middle of mall food courts, she cried in Holly's arms. It had been that way ever since they were small, and yet lately ever time a tear glistened in that beautiful girl's eyes Holly felt her heart bleed. She wanted so badly to kiss her and make her better, making it all the more difficult to simply pat her head and tell her it would be alright. She was getting weary of this role she played and the boundaries it set for her. They were graduating this year, and the future that hovered over them was weakening her resolve.
"I worked so hard to get in there!" she shouted, the sound muffled by Holly's jeans. The pair of friends were on the couch in Miranda's semi-finished basement, a rejection letter torn into a million pieces around them. "I really thought I had a shot." This comment brought on a whole new wave of tears, and she tightly gripped Holly's over-worn sweatshirt. Holly could always make her feel better, even without realizing it half the time. Just being with her was enough to give her back her confidence, despite how awful she felt then. Holly bit her lip as she heard her love sob from the failure.
"They don't know what they're missing," Holly murmured, stroking the girl's short hair. "It's total crap Mir. They're only looking skin deep. Not all colleges are like that. You're going to find someplace way better, someplace you'll really fit in and have a good time at." She knew her words weren't perfect, but she wasn't very good at coming up with advice on the fly like that. Plus the fact that Miranda was laying in her lap made her a little distracted, as heartbroken for her as she was.
"What, like community?!" she cried. She didn't really mean that; she knew she could get into other colleges. She just wanted to hear it from Holly, who was struggling not to laugh just a little.
"Community colleges aren't that bad you know. Society has them totally stereotyped." Miranda huffed and didn't answer, her signature stubbornness shining through once again. Holly continued to pet her silently, waiting for Miranda to pick herself up again like she always does. What she didn't know however, was that Miranda was waiting too. Waiting for Holly to tell her something important. As the seconds ticked by she became more and more impatient, and finally she couldn't take it anymore.
"Did you get accepted?" Miranda suddenly asked, her voice so quiet that Holly wasn't entirely sure she had heard her right. It was a dangerous question. She couldn't tell her, "yes, but I'm not going because you didn't get in and it would hurt you". That would be even worse. She had only applied because Miranda had been so insistent on it in the first place. Holly didn't really care where she ended up, and hadn't really thought about her future. Not like Miranda had. Miranda had a goal and a plan and knew exactly where she wanted her life to head. Holly had just sort of let that plan drag her along until now.
"I haven't gotten my letter yet," she finally lied. Miranda suddenly froze as Holly reached up to tug at her ponytail unconsciously. The second her hand moved though Miranda suddenly flipped over, her red and tear streaked face staring up at the girl. She caught Holly's hand by the wrist and pouted at her irritably. Holly felt her heart beating a mile a minute as she looked back at her. She was so cute, it wasn't fair. How was she supposed to keep her composure with such a face looking at her like that? "W- what?" Holly stuttered, wanting nothing more than to run as far away as possible.
"Why are you lying?" she asked, still grasping tightly onto her wrist. "You always pull on your ponytail when you're nervous."
"I do?" Miranda nodded, and Holly felt her cheeks burn. She hadn't even noticed that before. The fact that Miranda had paid close enough attention to her to figure that out filled her stomach with butterflies, although she knew it shouldn't. Friends notice things about each other, it didn't mean anything.
"Plus your mom called my mom to tell her you got accepted, and she told me." The butterflies suddenly all died and fell to the bottom of her stomach with a thud. Of course her mom would do that; all she ever did was brag. As her daughter she should have seen something like that coming. And now Miranda had caught her red handed in a lie, doing nothing more than making her angry. Perfect.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lie or anything. I just... didn't want to hurt your feelings," she explained with a frown. She looked away at the wall across from them, unable to continue staring at the smaller girl's freckled face any longer.
"Do you do that a lot? Lie to spare my feelings?" the girl questioned, still bothered by the notion. As long as Holly's legs continued to be pillows she knew she was safe from a major blowout, but it still felt like she was walking on thin ice. Holly was unable to say anything. The answer of course, was yes. The most important secret she carried with her was covered with a lie to spare Miranda's feelings. "I'm not a kid, Holly. You don't have to protect me. I can take it." She just didn't understand. Holly continued to stay silent. She didn't trust herself to speak.
Miranda continued to wait for her, and after a while she realized her friend wasn't going to say anything. She suddenly turned over again so Holly wouldn't see her new tears.
"So are you gonna go?" Miranda asked fearfully. Holly sighed. Why did this girl keep putting herself in positions for pain? No matter what her answer she was sure it was only going to make her angrier.
"No," she said finally. Telling the truth was really scary. Even that one word made her chest hurt. The reason behind it was so close to her secret, and Miranda was slowly inching her way there to wrench open the door. It was nerve wracking to let her get this near.
"Why though?" Miranda muttered. Holly was silent again. It was too much, too close. She could never answer such a question, not without losing everything she held dear. She wished her friend would just drop the subject, take a hint and move on. "Is it because of me?" she wondered. Holly nearly had a heart attack until Miranda continued, "Because you think it'll hurt my feelings? I'm not that proud you know."
Holly bit her lip, then closed her eyes. If she didn't say anything, she never would. She would spend the rest of her life regretful, wondering if the feelings she locked inside would have ever turned into anything. At that moment, she decided it was now or never.
"No..." she started faintly, then took a deep breath. Her heart was ready to explode and her palms were soggy with sweat, possibly the most fear she'd experienced in her 17 years. "It's because... you won't be there. I want to be with you..."
Miranda's stomach did an internal flip as she stared up at her friend, eyes wide with shock. The color practically drained from her face for just a second, until her brain found some way to rationalize the statement she'd just made. She snorted and sat up, nudging Holly's shoulder with her head gently.
"We can't be together always. Friends have to go their separate ways sometimes. But just because we go to different schools doesn't mean we can't see each other Hol," she replied, knowing every word went directly against the way she felt.
"Then... then maybe we shouldn't be friends!" Holly cried, looking distressed. Miranda frowned, thinking she was angry. This was the first time she had seen her friend this close to tears. "Miranda... I love you." There was a pause in which the words hung in the air, neither of them comprehending what had just been said. Holly felt this huge weight lift from her heart, like she had been freed from a cage. The words that had been in her mind for years were suddenly there, no taking them back and no more trying to hide. She turned to Miranda and looked directly at her as she continued, "I've loved you since middle school Mir. You're beautiful and wonderful and no one else on Earth can make me feel like you do. I don't want to be friends because I want you to be mine. I just... love you. I want to be with you."
Miranda continued to stay silent, her face a mask of shock as she slowly began to understand what Holly was saying to her. Love... love? She had never once thought if it like that before. She just knew she wanted Holly with her forever, that was all. She wanted them to be together with no distractions, no Jimmy's stealing her away again. She knew she should be disgusted, she should say girls aren't supposed to be like that together. But...she was happy. She was so happy she wasn't quite sure how to handle it. Holly had said the very thing she had wanted to hear all this time. She wanted to be with her. Not because they were friends, not because she wanted the comfort of knowing someone in a new place, but just because it was her. If that was how she felt, and Holly was calling it love, then did that mean... she loved her too?
Holly, on the other hand, was staring at her, trying desperately to read her expression. She couldn't tell if she was thinking or just so disgusted she was in shock. Finally, unable to take it she said, "I don't expect you to feel the same way. I was just... just telling you. I'll go, if you're grossed out. I'm sorry." She could practically feel her body getting cold, starting from her heart and slowly spreading to fingertips. Everything was over, she thought. She had blown it.
Still not getting a response, she stood up to leave. Miranda caught her by the arm, stopping her in her tracks. She looked back at the girl on the couch, who was looking up at her with tearful eyes. She hated herself, thinking she had brought the girl to tears.
"I'm sorry Mir. I'm so, so sorry," she repeated, even continuing as Miranda stood. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm..." She was abruptly cut off as Miranda's lips were planted over hers, stopping the conversation and her heart. Holly's head started spinning as the cold instantly turned to fire, Miranda's soft lips a million times sweeter then in her dreams. She pulled away not long after, then looked up at a dumb struck Holly.
"You should have told me sooner," she whispered. "We wouldn't have made each other so miserable that way." Holly stared at her, still looking utterly confused.
"I'm... awake, right?" she asked nervously, suddenly wondering if this was all too good to be true. Miranda smiled slightly.
"You tell me," Miranda replied, and reached up to kiss her again. Holly brought her hand up to Miranda's face, touching it gently like she's wanted to do for so long, and the two of them simply drowned in the happiness of their new revelation. It was real, they were together, and a double one sided love was no more.