I sat in class with my laptop screen up, for, of course, I was paying absolutely no attention to what the teacher was saying. I was a smart girl; I could pay no attention in class and get a B at the lowest. I also figured, if I could get away with not paying attention, why bother? But anyways, I'm getting off subject (as I often do). I was on my laptop popping around to various websites, when I came upon a list. Top Eight Signs That You're In Love. Immediately I glanced up at Mo. I felt ridiculous, seeing this list and immediately thinking of her. I thought about just skipping over it and not wasting my time, but boredom got the better of me, and I decided to just skim over it.
1. When you saw the title of this list, you immediately thought of a specific person.
Woah. This thing was smart. Well, it got one thing right. I glanced up at Mo again, but this time she noticed and our eyes linked. I'm pretty sure I blushed, and I quickly looked back at my computer screen. I continued on with the list.
2. You were most likely good friends before you fell in love with this person.
This thing was right so far. I've been friends with Mo ever since the first time I met her. We met in the cafeteria one day, maybe a year and a half ago. I was sitting all alone, when she came up to me.
"Mind if I sit here?" she had asked nicely. I had instantly noticed how pretty she was, and she was nice too.
"N-no, go ahead," I replied. I felt like an idiot, stuttering like that, but I couldn't help it. See, I stutter when I get nervous, and who wouldn't be nervous when one of the prettiest girls I'd ever seen (and one of the nicest and funniest as I now know) came and asked if she could sit by me.
"I'm Mo, short for Moser, my last name," she said, extending her arm across the table.
I reached out and took it, shaking it gently. "J-Jess, s-short for J-Jessica," I replied. I was so upset with myself for stuttering like I did. Luckily Mo was a very relaxed person, and after a bit my stuttering stopped, and I was able to have a real conversation with her. That lunch period ended much too quickly, and I feared that come the next day, she would return to her old friends, and once again leave me alone at my table. However, the next day she did return to sit with me, and she continued coming. Soon, other people started to sit with us as well, and I slowly found myself growing in popularity. Instead of the being the one no one knew, I was the one that was generally well-liked. I also became known as Mo's best friend. We told each other everything. Well, almost everything.
3. When people say that you're in love with this person, you get very anxious, even if the comment is meant as a joke.
This was doubly true for me. Since my love for Mo was not only love, but was a lesbian love, I especially didn't want my secret to get out. Since Mo and I were so close, there had been numerous times when people had joked around that we were lesbian lovers. I had always laughed and acted like I shrugged it off. However, the little me inside my brain always blushed uncontrollably and was extremely embarrassed by these types of statements, knowing that they were true.
4. You worry about saying something that will give away your love for this person.
I shrugged this one off. I did get a little nervous when talking to Mo, but it wasn't anything major. We were such good friends, that although I did watch what I said around her, I feel comfortable around her, and have managed so far to keep my mouth shut about… how I feel about her. I guess not everything on the list can be right.
5. All you want is for the other person to be happy, even if it doesn't include you.
I did want her to be happy. Actually it's all I wanted. I had watched Mo go through a couple boyfriends in the four or five months that I've liked her. It had always been painful for me to watch her with someone. To me, Mo dating these guys not only said that she didn't currently like me, but it also said that she was straight. It nearly killed me, watching the guy's arms around her, seeing them together. But I let it go, and strangest of all, I was happy that Mo was with them. The made her happy, and that was all I really cared about.
6. You walk especially slow when you're with them.
I smiled. Guilty as charged. When we were together, whenever I walked anywhere with her, I walked slowly. Mo would always joke around with me. She'd ask why I was walking so slow and I'd just shrug.
"I dunno," I'd say.
"Sure you do."
I'd always laugh. "Whatever you say." I'd say.
7. There are constantly little things that are reminding you of them.
This thing never ceases to amaze me. I couldn't go through a day without being reminded of Mo somehow. Every time I went by a Dairy Queen I would remember the time we got ice cream, then ran around in the field by her house for hours until we got exhausted and collapsed next to each other. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about her for the rest of the day.
When it snows, Mo and I go out and make snow forts then have a snowball fight. Usually it would end up in wrestling and rolling around in the snow, until we were either called back inside, or until we got cold and decided that we wanted hot cocoa. So now, every time I look at the snow, I am reminded of Mo.
I could tell countless other stories like this, the most prominent ones being about Diet Coke, waffles, fire, and the color blue. However I decided against this in likes of continuing on with viewing the final object on the list.
8. You have been thinking about one person this entire time, and now you really want to go talk to them.
Mo. My heart beat faster when I simply thought of her. I desperately wanted to see her now, but then again, I wanted to see her all the time. I looked over at the clock on my laptop. Only fifteen minutes left until class was over. All of a sudden my computer told me that I had a new email. I opened it up and saw it was from Mo.
"This is boring. What you doing?" I considered lying, but I decided that'd just be cowardly and stupid. It wouldn't really accomplish much either.
"I'm reading a list. What about you?" I clicked the send and watched as she glanced up at me when she received my email. She typed away at her keyboard for a moment, and I looked at my computer screen waiting for her email to arrive. After a few seconds it did, and I opened it up.
"Nothing. What list?" I copy and pasted the URL into an email and sent her the link. I don't know what I was thinking; my common sense was telling me not to send it to her, that it would start some conversation that I wasn't ready to have right now. I saw her reading the list, smiling a bit at the ones she knew were true, having the same reaction as I did when I read it.
Before Mo had a chance to reply, class was over, and we went out to the park behind our campus. Everyone else was in class and we were the only people there. We walked to the flower garden and sat on the bench as we always did. There was a bright blue sky, and the flowers smelled better than I had remembered. We talked about class, new couples, and other trivial things before the list came up.
"So, you know that list you sent me?" Mo said.
"Yeah."
"Well, I was wondering," She paused awkwardly and looked over at me her head cocked like a dog does when it hears a sound it doesn't recognize, "who were you thinking of when you read it?"
I was silent for a moment, and then I spoke up, deciding to avoid the question by making a joke. "I could tell you that, but then I'd have to kill you." Mo laughed and I smiled a bit at the gentle melody of her laughter. "Who were you thinking of?" I asked timidly.
Mo hesitated before giving me a very serious look. "I can't –. " I flashed her my sure-you-can't look, and she stopped. "Look I'd tell you, but I wouldn't want our friendship ruined because of it."
I put my hand on her shoulder, and she seemed to tense up (although it could have been my imagination). "Mo, nothing could ever ruin our friendship. I promise."
Mo looked into my eyes, tears forming in hers. "But," she took a deep breath. She sat debating whether or not to tell me. "Jess, it's you." My heart skipped a beat. Was this right? Mo liked me back? This had to be my imagination, it just wasn't possible. "When I read the list," Mo continued, "you were the only one on my mind." I sat silently, I was in shock. I couldn't believe what was happening. A tear fell from Mo's eye, she wiped it away. She stood up and started backing away slowly. "I'm sorry Jess. I shouldn't have said anything. It's ok if you never want to talk to me again. I understand." She turned and slowly started walking away down the path.
I sat in my stupid shock, unsure of what to do. Mo got about twenty feet away before I realized that this had just happened. And I realized this was my chance, and I was letting it walk away. So I chased it down. I got up and ran to Mo. I grabbed her arm and spun her around into my arms. Her eyes got big as I leaned in and kissed her. My heart was beating so fast, and I could hardly breathe. After a moment of her being tense, Mo relaxed into my arms, and wrapped her arms around my neck, burying her hands in my hair. I pulled her closer to me, and we kissed for a long time.
Eventually I pulled away, resting my forehead against hers. I brushed some hair out of her eyes.
"I thought about you Mo. Only you."